How to Love a Nice Guy!

Es Ee Ex

2010-06-28T09:24:00.000-07:00

I know it's rather old fashioned to spell out the word sex like I did in the title of this post. And maybe I am old fashioned in some ways! For instance, I remember the good old days when couples actually had sex. I know, hard to believe but true!

Back then, it seemed like you could hardly keep from doing it. There was the hot clinches in the back seats of cars, the making out where you could kiss for hours, and do everything but the real thing. Then when I was a young married with children there always seemed to be time for at least a quickie most nights, and more detailed excursions when time permitted.

As I get into middle age (some may point out that I have been there for a while!), I read magazines and books about the lack of intimacy, and I listen to my friends talk about sex like it is a dying activity. Recently while having lunch with a couple of old friends (both married, mind you), I found that I was the only one who could claim to have copulated within the last couple of years. I almost felt that same guilty pleasure I did from those first forbidden sexual encounters as a teen.

If you watch any sports programs on television, there are enough Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis commercials to suggest that any man over 40 can't even accomplish the act without medical enhancement. Even those who are younger than my cronies talk about kids and jobs and taking care of a household, and being too tired to want to make love anymore.

I just want to say that I think it is time to bring sex back! What if instead of watching that TV program or playing that computer game, we took one night a week, and just made out on the couch like old times? How about reading a racy novel, and then letting your partner get the benefit of the excitement it causes? How about just making sex as much a priority as mowing the lawn? Once a week, is that too much to ask for? And for those of you who are in middle age or above, I have just one word for you: Astroglide.

I hope this gets you thinking and doing!

Marquita

Alpha Who?

2010-05-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

This week, I have been thinking a lot about our relationships with our pets instead of humans. My love of the last eleven years, Riff, (he's the one in the photo) decided on Friday that he wanted to go to the great hunting grounds in the sky.

Riff and I have always had a somewhat complicated relationship. I wasn't sure I even wanted to get involved with him from the start. My co-workers had picked him up wandering around the state park where I worked, saving him from incarceration in doggie jail. They found his temporary owners, and were told he needed a new home, as he had been abandoned by his original owner. I was still grieving the loss of my last canine love, and was not sure I was ready for a new one. We met, and although we kind of liked each other, weren't sure it would work. As I often did in relationships, I took him home anyway!

From the start there was conflict. He felt he should be the Alpha male, and although he would concede living with me most of the time, he was a wanderer. I tried to keep him at home, but at some point just decided it was up to him and his higher power to take care of him. For those first few years, he stayed with me most of the time, but would occasionally find other families he liked in the neighborhood and he would move in with them for a while. He became the wing man of Looker, the neighborhood Alpha dog, and they kept it safe for all who entered. Riff loved to walk to the beach, and would go on his own, or with many of the neighbors on their daily sojourns. He became rather famous in Irondale where I lived.

Then the trouble started. He loved to chase cars. He got ran over several times, and suffered a broken pelvis. Reluctantly, he began to see that I was the one who took care of him, and he grudgingly let me believe I was his Alpha female, and he quit wandering. When my husband entered the picture about eight years ago, it was clear to Riff that Tom was an Omega like him, and should be treated as an equal. This never changed, he always saw him as a brother, and me the pack leader.

Five years ago, we moved to Discovery Bay, and Riff lost much of the freedom he had known in our old neighborhood. To get to the beach from here meant crossing a busy highway, and we knew he could not resist the temptation. He settled into middle age, and this last year had suddenly seemed much older. It didn't help that I brought home a large bratty one and a half year old female named Opa. When he injured himself jumping a small ditch last week, I knew that he wanted to go. I was with him at the last, and I loved him deeply. I miss him so!

Marquita

Breathing Space

2010-04-23T15:14:00.000-07:00

Just before I began writing this post, my husband called. He was letting me know when he would be home because we are going to a concert together this evening. I asked about dinner and he said "Maybe we can pick up some drive through on the way." I replied, "I think we'll have time to sit down somewhere." I could sense him getting tense and his reply was curt. I recognized that his "on time or two hours early" sensor had gone off. My first reaction was to get tense back, but then I relaxed and suggested we decide later. How did I relax? By breathing.

Breathing is often dismissed by most as something that just happens with very little input from us. We breathe, we live. But as I become more conscious of how I want to be, with myself and others, I find stopping to breathe can solve many problems. For instance, I know someone who has just broken up with her boyfriend, and she can't stop thinking about him, can't stop trying to change things, can't do anything. My suggestion to her was to take a couple of deep breaths and relax into her grief. Why, because when we are willing to do that the pain moves through much more easily, and we become stronger. She followed this suggestion, and took a few breaths, had a good cry, and realized that she can handle the situation.

The other place where breathing works is in following our intuition. This morning while walking my dogs, I lost my keys. Usually this wouldn't be a big problem, as I rarely go off road. Today was different. I took my critters through a large field, over a trail through some brush, and then up a logging road in the woods. When I got home, and reached for my keys to unlock the door they were gone. I panicked a little. I took off to retrace my steps and the first time I went back over the path, I hurried and worried. Then, I stopped. I realized what I wasn't doing, which was stopping and breathing. I took a couple of much needed breaths, and asked the universe and my instincts to help me out. Going back over my path a second time, I slowed down and paid attention. When I got to this spot that my dog had balked at going over on the first walk through, she balked again. I noticed this time, and looked down, and their magically were my keys. I had completely missed them when I was going hurriedly through and not paying attention.

Breathing can solve many situations, from anxiety and frustration, to reconnecting with out intuition. Do you have anything going on that is upsetting, or disturbing you right now? Well, take a couple of deep breaths, and relax into whatever it is, you will find the answer.

Take care,

Marquita

Cups of Love

2010-02-22T11:22:00.001-08:00

As most of you know, I am supposed to be some kind of relationship expert and coach. Primarily this is due to my long history of bad relationships and then finally getting my head out of "you know where" and learning how to do it right. This does not mean however, that I don't occasionally fall back into old thought patterns and end up a little twisted.

As most of you have read in previous posts, I make a point of noticing what men do, as opposed to what they say. I have also mentioned that one of the loving things my husband does is leave a cup waiting for me in front of the coffee pot each morning. I can simply stumble out of bed and walk over and pour my coffee on my way to the couch to curl up and begin my day. So what was I to think when not one, but two days in a row, there was no cup! I walked out both mornings and stood in front of the pot, and no matter how hard I looked, it wasn't there.

Now I realize most of you would not have given this a second thought. I didn't the first day. He is human, he might have forgotten. But when it happened a second time, I took notice. My mind started going down all our conversations and interactions in the previous days. I had thoughts like, "I wonder if he's mad at me" and "Does he not love me as much." This lack of cups had me worried! Did I ask him about it? No! I just stewed.

Then, that second evening, as we were sitting at the dinner table. My sweetheart said, "I think I have been drinking too much coffee the last couple of days." When asked why, he replied, "Well, I haven't been waiting for the coffee pot to perk in the morning, and have been making a cup of instant coffee first, then drinking coffee from the pot." I started laughing, and asked, "Is that why you haven't left a cup out for me?" He looked surprised. You see, his routine had changed and he had forgotten the cup, but didn't consider that I would notice. At that point, I let him in on how much those daily cups meant to me, and that they showed me he cared. We had a good laugh together about my personal insanity!

The next morning when I walked out and stood in front of the coffee pot, there were five cups lined up in front of the pot! He does love me a lot.

Love and Peace,

Marquita

As The New Year Turns

2009-12-31T14:48:00.000-08:00

This time of year naturally calls for the juxtaposition of both looking forward and looking backward. In looking back I find I have learned a number of important (at least to me) things. Here is a sample:

If you want your partner to treat you in a loving way, start by doing the same for them.

If they aren't giving you something you want or need, find a way to give it to yourself. Better yet, find a way to give what you crave to your partner.

Always pay more more attention to the things people do, than to what they say.

Try loving what is. What is perfect about the things that bother you most?

Live every moment fully. Don't waste time worrying about what you may or may not have tomorrow. Look around and appreciate today.

Try being instead of becoming. How wonderful are you right now without needed to become anything else?

If we consider the idea that we are entitled to nothing in this world, then every thing we have is a miracle and source of gratitude.

When you keep digging deeper, you excavate more @#$%, and leave room for more joy.

Growing your hair out takes a long time. So does growing your soul.

Everything is magic. There is enough magic for all of us.

I love you all.

Marquita

2009-11-23T19:41:00.001-08:00

The Gift of Gratitude

2009-11-23T19:05:00.000-08:00

Keeping a gratitude journal has been a regular part of my spiritual program for many years. I have found that writing down five things I am grateful for each day, has changed my life. Instead of everything being about "having what I want," I now find myself "wanting what I have."

I've noticed that this can be a life saver for relationships. For instance, I have been known to complain about wanting more romance in my marriage. Many of my friends are the same way. They might say something like, "I just wish he would take me out, buy me little gifts, bring me flowers," and so on. What I have learned is that many of these guys actually do incredibly romantic and loving things that go completely unnoticed by their mates. When I mention this, these same friends wonder if I am really talking about their partners. So let me write a gratitude list for some of the things my husband does to give you an idea of what I am talking about:

I am grateful that when I get out of bed each morning, there is a cup waiting for me in front of the coffee pot.
I am grateful that he never goes to bed without kissing me goodnight.
I am grateful that he takes me out for breakfast almost every weekend.
I am grateful that he loves catching and cooking salmon for me, and to top it off he picks wild blackberries, and insists on making the pie himself.
I am grateful that he is trying to find Buzz Lightyear pajamas on EBay as I write this, for our littlest grandson.

For men romance is often more about actions than words. It can be found in the things they do everyday to keep you safe and happy. What does your partner do for you that gets taken for granted? Try writing a gratitude list for the many ways they show their love that isn't about jewelry and flowers. See if you can see the everyday ways their love is given to you.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving,

Marquita

New Growth?

2009-09-28T14:49:00.001-07:00

I am growing out my hair. Yeah, so what! Well for the last ten years or so there has been this dilemma. To dye or not to dye. Since my early thirties, there has been these creeping silver strands which have slowly infiltrated my brown hair. (Keep reading there will be a self growth analogy here eventually, I promise.)

First, I tried highlights, because I thought if I added lighter patches, the grey would blend in. Well after a while, I just looked washed out! So, about a year ago, I decided to go for the full dye job. My natural color of medium to dark brown was back. At first, I loved it. I felt younger and liked the way I looked in the mirror. But the more I covered up the reality of my own hair, the dryer and coarser it got.

Meanwhile, over this year, I have to admit I have been working hard on growing out my life. (See, I told you I'd get there!) When I finished Master Coach training, I had a plan for where I was going to go, and lord help anyone who got in my way. Then something happened that derailed me. It forced me to work on myself once again. You see, I was still at some level following the path that others had decided for me. Because I loved them, and wanted their approval, I mistakenly believed that we would continue to work and grow together and all would be right with the world. What I missed was that was not really where I wanted to go. To be my most authentic self, I needed to be willing to grow, and let my roots show, and allow the tender new growth space to develop.

Now I am feeling more me, and more on track than I've felt all year. There is no one but me deciding who I am, or what I should do with my life, and it feels damn good. The new growth is getting stronger and feeling more right every day. And so is my hair.

I was due for a color a few weeks ago, and my hairdresser was out of town. I was frustrated because my roots were showing, and I wasn't sure about the color coming out of my head! But by the time, I could see her, I just asked her to cut off the old dead ends. Now my healthy new growth, in my own beautiful color is coming through. I can't wait until the last of the dye is gone, and I can enjoy the beauty I see in just being me.

Talk with you soon,

Marquita

Spoons and Fish and Trophies!

2009-07-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

I should warn you now, that I am not sure where this post is going to go! I have been spending a lot of time with my husband this summer and I have been noticing some interesting things.

First, spoons. In the drawer in my kitchen where we keep the silverware, there is a silent battle of spoons going on. You see, I believe this drawer works best a certain way. There is only enough slots for the regular size flatware, and so I put the larger serving size spoons behind the slotted organizer. This works for me, and when I cook, I want it that way.

Now, my sweetie for some unknown reason, likes to put the spoons on the side of the organizer, where they get jammed in and hard to pull out. When I go to get a spoon and find those he has placed on the side, I pull them out and put them in the back! And then the next time I go to get a spoon, guess where they are? You got it, back on the side. The funny thing is, I think this is quite hilarious. Neither of us ever mentions the "spoon issue." We just quietly wage the next battle. We each chalk up a point on our side of the Male vs Female scorecard and move on!

Today I was reorganizing my office. I like to think of this as my office because I work from home and that's where I work. However, my partner rightfully believes it is his office as well. In truth it started out that way, and his computer and files are also in there. Recently, I bought a new chair and huge bookcase for the office. My daughter came over and we spent four hours assembling the bookcase. The bookcase is so tall that I needed to take down a couple of pictures, and move my husband's prized stuffed bass.

While I was reorganizing, I put my beautifully framed degrees from two well know universities atop the bookcase, along with my Martha Beck Master Coach award. I asked my spouse where we should rehang the stuffed bass. I thought it would look good high up on the vaulted wall across from his other prized possession, his father's huge rack of deer horns. Then my love informed me that the bass needed to be down on the wall, because after all, why would he have a plaque attached showing how large this fish was, if people couldn't read it. We looked around and found a spot that showed this off well.

What I love about all this is the joy I find in embracing the differences between us. How many times in the past did I want to make my partner think like I did? Or wanted him to understand me! Now I realize that it is an honor to have a partner who is just who he is, and who accepts me for just who I am (well except maybe for the spoons)!

I'd love to hear how things work in your household!

Marquita

The Empty Elevator

2009-06-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

There is a saying that goes something like this, "When everyone you run into is an asshole, you need to look in the mirror!" Well lately everyone hasn't been an asshole, but they have sure been frustrating me!

This is actually unusual for me. For the last ten years or so I have worked hard at living a serene and even sometimes a zen like life. I felt a lot of gratitude for what I had, I gave others room to make mistakes, and grow, and be who they were. I even felt pretty cool with myself, and that old Inner Lizard of mine, was napping most of the time.

That is until recently. As you can tell by some of my previous posts, I have been going through a transition in thought, in who I am, in where I want to go. I have been learning a lot about what that means, and I am finding that I am becoming more fearful of the future. Why, because the other people around me aren't necessarily coming along with me! I am taking my new self into the realms I have always traveled, and the people there are simply being who they have always been. Why is this bugging me? Let me paint a picture of one of these episodes:

I have a group of women who I travel to Southern Oregon with each June. We go to a luncheon, river raft, jet boat, hang out and usually have a good time. There is always a certain amount of drama during the trip! Whenever you get 10-12 women of various ages and backgrounds together, it is hard to make decisions, and keep your own priorities straight without offending others. For several years, I have been struggling with this trip, because this group tends toward co-dependency, and occasionally one or two people hijack the trip. This is important, I knew this before the trip. However, I somehow thought that this year would be different. The definition of insanity, Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

I do have some enjoyment in the river and the things we do, but the rest is torture. I don't want to live in the drama anymore. So what do I do, I get upset, take things personally, and blame others! It feels easier to do that, than to acknowledge the truth. The truth is, I have changed and this trip doesn't work for me anymore.

This is the empty elevator that Martha Beck talks about in Steering by Starlight. When we change and grow and become more of who we are, we sometimes find ourselves alone, without our usual companions. Along with the truth that I am moving on a different path than some of those close to me, comes the pain of that loss. I am grieving some of these changes, and the anger and frustration is part of that grief. When we fight change, it is harder. Acknowledging who I am, and being willing to walk into that pain and grief will get me a lot farther than frustration, anger and blaming others. So I am turning the rudder of my life to move into the fire, and with that I will end up going downstream, and getting back to that peaceful life I cherish.

Care to come along? If not, I wish you well on your path to where you need to go.

Marquita

Why Don't They Just Behave the Way I Want Them To?

2009-06-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

You may think that because I am a Life Coach, and since one of my specialties is relationship coaching, that I don't go through periods of discontent or wishing my partner would change! I am fessing up right now that this is not true and that I am very capable of falling back into old ideas, and wanting things to be different than they are.

For instance a couple of weeks ago, I was feeling like I was carrying the weight of our relationship on my shoulders. I decided that what I really needed to do was sit my husband down, let him know what I needed, and set him straight. Now being a life coach, I do know that how I am feeling is not about the other person, it is about my thinking. Before moving forward with my plan to get him on board with my ideas for how things should be done, I realized I might want to look at my own thoughts.

My brain was saying things like, "if he would just do more of this," and "if he would just behave more like that........I would be happier." Next I looked at how I was behaving when I believed these thoughts. What I saw was that I was not doing any of the things I wanted my husband to do! And when I was thinking he should be doing more, I was behaving resentfully towards him! I began to wonder what would happen if I behaved the way I wanted him to. So, I did just that. I stopped expecting him to be more loving and helpful, and I began being more loving and helpful towards him. Before I knew it, I was feeling better, and happier in my relationship!

So here's the moral of the story: Before you start telling others how they should behave, consider what it is you want. See if you can give that to yourself, and the other person. Notice how much better you feel!

If my husband only knew how often I didn't have to tell him what to do!

Until next time,

Marquita

The Marquita Thompson Show

2009-06-01T10:42:00.001-07:00

The Marquita Thompson Show

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Everything is Changing and That's Okay

2009-04-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

The fourth square of the Change Cycle, is called The Promised Land. This refers to the times in our lives when we have went through the fog and difficult times of square one, the dreaming and adventure of square two, and the hard work of square three, and reach the shores of success in square four.

So then how is it possible that the mantra for square four is Everything is Changing and That's Okay? Well you see the dirty little secret is this. The four squares of the change cycle repeat themselves many times throughout our lives. Sometimes they even repeat themselves completely while you are traversing any one of the separate squares. I know!! This is not what I thought I wanted either. Let me explain why.

We live in a society that places a lot of emphasis on getting somewhere, and an even greater emphasis on the idea that we will be happy when we achieve whatever it was that we were striving for. However, the truth is that we are often disappointed when we get there, and aren't as happy as we think we should be. Then before we know it we fall back into the soup of square one and start all over again.

I'd like to propose a different course. What if instead of believing and thinking that we will be happy when we get to square four, we simply enjoy life and be present and authentic in every square? Hard to do? Maybe. Let's look at one of the most common examples of the change cycle all over the world, the four seasons. I like to ask people, what time of year is their favorite. Many people say spring because of the beautiful flowers, and the new growth, and the opening of new possibilities and ideas. Others immediately choose summer, because they love the sun and the playtime, and the chance to vacation. For me, my favorite time is the fall. I love the colors, and the crispness in the air, and the feeling of stepping back and drawing in for the winter. My son in law loves the winter. He loves all the things you can do in the snow.

Everyone I ask has a favorite and least favorite time of the year. The same is true for the change cycle. Some people love dreaming, some people like implementing, and some even like when they need to go deep and deal with emotions. As I have been moving through the change cycle over the last six months or so, I have tried to stay present and enjoy each part of it, without a thought about what to do in the end. This has been difficult because it goes against what I have been taught early in life. What I have found though, is that is can be very satisfying. I have enjoyed digging deeper into my old thoughts and beliefs, and became willing to be open to pain as well as joy. I have loved the dreaming and scheming (this is my favorite square of the change cycle), I have loved the hard work, although that is not always easy, and now I am sitting back and enjoying the fruits of my labor.

Even as I write this, I can see that there is another change and more cycles to come. So I am doing what I can to stay present here and now, and to welcome all that is yet to come. Care to join me?

Marquita

Back to the Relationship Realm for a Moment

2009-03-19T15:22:00.000-07:00

I know that I have been blogging more about change and my own personal stuff of late, but I think it is time to fess up!! I have been struggling a bit with my relationship. Now don't go screaming out the door or anything, my marriage is fine, but it has growing pains occasionally.

What's happening is this. My husband got laid off from his job about four months ago. Yeah, I know, it sucks! Now financially we are good. He is getting unemployment and has some other resources, and my business couldn't be better. The issues are closer to home than that. You see, I work at home. This is my place of employment. I am my own boss, and I love my job. But there is this guy who seems to think he lives here, and at this very moment is in the living room watching a basketball game.

Can you see the problem? I now see why my neighbor, when her husband retired last year, immediately went out and got a job! We have talked about this, and he has tried to make himself scarce as much as possible and stay out of the office while I am working. He has had to put up with a lot of playing golf, and going fishing, and other tough sacrifices, to stay out of my hair. The problem really is not my husband. It's me!

You see I want it both ways! I don't want him around while I am working. In fact I want him to be out there working himself. I know that he thinks he's doing me a favor when he spends the day golfing, but I don't see it that way. So here's the deal. I have to work on me. Yep, back to that old standard. It is all about me.

Here is one of the thoughts I need to work on:

My security is threatened if he isn't working.

Is this true? No, we are actually doing well. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

How do I react when I think this thought? I get resentful and want him to fix it, even though he is doing all he can to find work and to keep busy around here. This makes things tense and uncomfortable for both of us.

Who would I be without this thought? I would maybe go watch my college basketball team play in the playoffs right next to him. I would enjoy having more time with him and be more willing to play more myself.

Turnarounds: My security is not threatened by my husband not working. My security is threatened by my thoughts about him not working. I am secure within myself.

Okay, got a basketball game to watch!

Until next time,

Marquita

This is Much Worse Than I Expected and That's Okay

2009-03-05T14:22:00.000-08:00

I spent the whole month of February of dreaming and scheming. I told you! I love Square Two and would gladly build castles in the air to live in, and never come down.

What happened though, is after a while of dreaming and scheming things began to interfere and my dreams started to become reality. I wanted to do more speaking engagements, and the energy whipped through the universe, and I landed my first paid speaking gig. Then a radio program asked me to be on their show! Can you believe this stuff really happens? You begin dreaming and envisioning and creating vision boards and all of a sudden, "Holy Cow," it works.

Anyway, this threw me directly into Square Three. Martha Beck calls Square Three "The Hero's Saga." The reason for this is that often when your dreams come true, or you get what you asked for, then you begin a period of hard work. Now I like hard work as much as the next girl, but I have to be honest, I sometimes still prefer the dreamland!

So here's what happened. I began working very hard to get ready for these precious engagements. Then a lot of people decided they want life coaching right now. I got so busy I hit the wall. The wall is the mantra for Square Three, and that is This is much worse than I expected and that's okay.

The part of this mantra that is the most important of all is "that's okay." Sometimes I get bored with hard work. I forget how enjoyable it can be. The reason I forget is that I along with a lot of other people have developed a taste for instant gratification. We want what we want, when we want it. Just take a look at the current economic crisis to see what I am talking about. A lot of people, myself included, thought we could keep building on dreams that were based more on instant gratification, than anything real.

It's made me look back a little at how I managed before I was successful, and how I lived when there weren't options like credit cards and home equity in my life. What I did was work hard and focus on the joy of the work. I would play hard too. The thing is, I would do both things, work and play, with what was available to me at the time and that worked just fine.

So that's my plan here in Square Three. I will work hard. If something doesn't work and I am met with failure, I will explore other ways of doing what I want. I will work on my thoughts every day and remind myself that this is okay. Life is sometimes harder than we think. Sometimes it's easier than we think. Either way is okay.

I will talk with you all soon. Gotta go, work to do!

Marquita

There Are No Rules, And That's Okay!

2009-01-29T14:50:00.000-08:00

Let's see. A couple of weeks ago I promised to talk with you the next week, about Square Two. There was just one little problem with that. I wasn't there! To be able to talk about where you are in the change cycle, it helps to be there!

So now a couple of weeks, and a lot of personal work and insight later, I am glimpsing Square Two. Life tends to be like the picture to the left. The road ahead appears straight, but ultimately there are always curves ahead. When you are moving into square two, you often find yourself changing things in your life. You might color your hair, or cut it all off. You might paint a room, or redecorate the whole house. Ideas begin to pop up about adventures you are considering, new careers seem plausible, and for some, a complete revamping of their whole life, flashes before there eyes.

One sign that I have been moving into Square Two is that I went shopping for light bulbs and came home with paint to color the walls of my guest room. Another sign is that I suddenly want to rewrite the novel I finished in November, and I am loving the creativity of my work.

Often people are better at some squares than others. Even though Square One is confusing and hard for some, there are those who enjoy the fog and seem to feed off of the continued pain and drama. For me, I really love Square Two! The mantra for this square, which Martha Beck talks about in Finding Your Own North Star, is There are no rules, and that's okay. This is the war cry of people like me, those Aquarius's who want to change the world, discover the answer, and traverse the wonders of the world on foot! It can be a lot of fun and is such a creative place that I could just set up housekeeping and stay for good.

If fact, right now I'm moving in. I've brought my books and computer, and all the material to create, and hopefully I will remember to come back to earth now and then and check in on my family and my business.

If any of you out there read this post, leave me a comment, so I will have to come back to ground to answer it.

Asta la vista,

Marquita

I Don't Know Where the Hell I'm Going and That's Okay!

2009-01-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

I saw this picture and it reminded me of the "summer of my discontent." That was the summer about eighteen years ago where I was the closest I've ever come to wanting to give up. Believe me I am one stubborn woman and I have been through a lot, but I would hang on for dear life to outmoded ways, men, and bad habits, like they were a lifeline.

That summer my marriage was falling apart, my mother had died the January before, and I had no clue how I was going to make it. I had this vision of sitting on the porch of a mental institution somewhere, wearing a bathrobe, and doing absolutely nothing. Occasionally someone kind would stop by and bring me a cup of tea and that was the whole of my vision.

"Why am I bringing this up now," you ask? I am bringing it up because what I am describing above was Square One of the Change Cycle. The mantra for Square One, (according to Martha Beck in Finding Your Own North Star) is "I don't know what the hell is going on, and that's okay."

This last week or two, I have been visiting Square One again. It is a much mellower, less dramatic Square One, but it is Square One. This often happens when things change in our lives. It can be brought on by changes at work, national disasters, new relationships, and completion of goals. Anything that makes us question what we want and where we are going, can push us into Square One.

My visit this time is due to an amazing year! I became a Master Coach. I traveled a lot and had miraculous experiences. I began making a lot more money. I learned so much about myself that at this point I am wondering how much more to learn could there possibly be! What I forgot to do along the way was stop at a few crucial points and breathe and soak in my experiences. I just kept plunging into new territory and eventually found myself doing some work that I didn't love. I didn't hate it, but it did not resonate with me. My stubborn streak is still there and it took someone else deciding that it wasn't working for me, to make me willing to quit.

Again, I know you are probably wondering why I am telling you this! I am telling you this because this is the way life works. For all of us there are times when life happens, good or bad, up or down, and we find ourselves wondering where to go next. When you find yourself in Square One, there are some things you can do to help.

Be kind to yourself. Make sure you practice good self care. Don't forget to eat, sleep, and excercise.
Don't make huge changes or decisions if at all possible. Take baby steps. This is a time for slow easy moves.
Take time to be still and listen to your heart and body. They can tell you when you are ready to move ahead.
Seek support and guidance from friends and family. If you need more help than that, contact a Life Coach or Counselor.
Remember that you have survived, even thrived, through change before and will again.

I began listening to my own advice and can report that I am feeling much better about where I am. I am beginning to feel the excitement and creativity of Square Two. If you are wondering what that is about, I will write more next week.

Right now, I think I need a cup of tea!

Marquita

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T15:09:00.000-08:00

Ah, a new year, a new vista to look out into and wonder, what will I do this year? Will I write more? Will I play more? Will I love more? These are all good questions to ponder as this year fades into twilight and 2009 gets ready to be born.

I can take or leave the holidays, but there is something about a new year that reminds me of clean slates, missions accomplished, and lessons learned. One of my fellow Master Coaches Michele Woodward recently wrote an article suggesting that we write down twenty five things that we accomplished this year, and better yet that we write down twenty five things that we will accomplish in 2009. There is something magical about putting wishes and dreams into voice or the written word. They are much more likely to come true that way. You can probably tell that I am a dreamer, an optimist, a believer in the power of our energy and thoughts. This is a gift that my mother instilled in me from an early age.

My husband is a bit different. He lives more in the present. He looks for the obvious and believes what he can see. This morning at breakfast, I brought up the idea of coming up with a few things to accomplish in the next year. His response was, "I want to get a job." He has been laid off for a couple of months, so this is understandable. Being who I am, I said, "How about a job that you love, that pays well, and is close to home." My practical husband replied, "Those would all be great, but I think I will just start with a job."

So here is where the relationships skills come in. I said nothing. Yeah, can you believe it, nothing! I am a life coach to the core, and I was itching to jump in and work with him to change his thoughts and help him see that he really can go for the best, not just the average. But I didn't. Because I know that he is who he is, and he will get a job and he will be happy. My job as his wife is to support him and love him and encourage him to follow his dreams, not mine.

My hope is that I will do this more in 2009. What do you want to see in your life next year? Write it down, tell it to someone, or keep it tucked inside your heart. Best of all do what works for you.

Love,

Marquita

Juicy Stories I Have Written

2008-12-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

I know that some of you may wonder where in the hell I have been the last month, and at times, I was wondering the same thing! Life for me is a series of learning and changing and growing. I keep challenging myself to learn and do, and to be willing to keep trying new things.

In the past I was more likely to want everything in my life to settle into a nice happy place with a loving partner and everyone would live happily ever after. I know you have heard that one before! But since I have become a Life Coach and began working on myself, and challenging my thoughts and beliefs, I seem to have opened up a huge well of creativity that continues to want to create more.

In the month of November I did something that I had never considered before. I joined the ranks of writers who take part every year at this time in the National Novel Writing Month. The idea was to write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days. I had been wanting to write more, and thought what's the worst that could happen, and so I dived in.

I hadn't thought much about writing a novel before I started on November 1st. Most of my writing has been non-fiction, either self-help or biography. When I began writing, my thoughts of course went to relationships and self-esteem. So, I began writing a trashy, adventure, romance novel. I must tell you that I enjoyed this immensely!! This type of writing allowed me to get in the heads of my characters and try to figure out what they would say or do next. I completed the 50,000 words at about 4pm on November 30th, and have been recovering ever since.

This is what I learned from this experience:

If I decide to do something, anything is possible.
That challenging myself to stretch further in relationships and creativity helps build my self esteem.
That writing sexually charged dialogue and scenes can be good for a marriage!
That I love to write in any form, and that more of these types of challenges are in my future.
That challenging you the reader to stretch yourself, feels like the right thing to do at this moment.

What are you not doing that you wish you could? Do you have a dream or idea that you are putting off doing?

My challenge to you is find a way to take that first step today!! You will not regret it!

Marquita

Honoring You!

2008-11-11T13:56:00.000-08:00

Today I have been thinking about honoring, as it is Veteran's Day. Whatever your thoughts on war, we can still honor those who made the choice (or someone else made it for them) to serve as soldiers and fight for this country. So, if you are a veteran or soldier, I honor you today.

This got me thinking about how often we honor ourselves and the relationships in our lives. When you reach a goal or do something important to you and your self confidence, do you honor that? When you see others you love make a difference in the world, do you honor them? When you see a country decide that it was time to stand up for itself, do you honor it?

Today, I'd like you to sit for a few minutes and consider the people, institutions, relationships, co-workers, loved ones that you would like to honor. Then ask yourself, what can you do today to give that small show of love and respect that will lift them up and help them continue?

Here is my honor roll today:

I want to honor veterans and soldiers, present and past, who fought for this or any other country.

I'd like to honor my daughter for making a choice to not work in a situation that makes her feel icky.

I'd like to honor my husband for being able to laugh at himself in any situation!

I'd like to honor my two and a half year old grandson who refuses to let anyone help him with absolutely anything these days. He will do it himself, thank you.

Just as importantly, I want to honor myself for learning to stand up, to be willing to shine, and to help others learn to do the same.

Who do you want to honor today?

Marquita

Stand Up and Vote

2008-11-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

In all the discussion we have been having about self esteem and standing up for yourself, I have to mention the ultimate in walking your talk, and that is by VOTING!

This election year more than any other has reminded me that what I believe counts. How my country behaves in the world and supports its people, is my business. If I want things to be different than I have to be willing to stand up and say YES or NO to what I feel is right.

Whether you are a life long voter or new to the process, I guarantee that you will feel a sense of satisfaction and unity by getting out and casting your vote.

If you think it won't make any difference, you can take a look here in Washington state. Last election our governor was elected by just over 100 votes. In a state with millions of people that is extremely close. If the same number of people had not exercised their right to vote, the outcome would have been different. The same race is just that close again this year.

So, get out and vote. Show yourself that you count by standing up for what you believe. Whatever your political affiliation, whatever your path, stating your case and honoring your choice by voting will help build your self esteem.

Thank You!

Marquita

Trick or Treat!

2008-10-31T07:59:00.000-07:00

What you have been reading here, and being asked to do recently, is hard work! The hard work of becoming a person who loves and cares enough about themselves to stand up for what they need, even if that means standing up to their own thoughts.

Last week we talked about throwing a fit and letting go of anger. This week I want to talk about how to be kind to yourself and give yourself a treat for all your hard work. Today is Halloween, and I would like to suggest that today you call a moratorium on walking through fire, on tricking yourself in any way, and instead taking the day to relax and breathe.

This can be as hard for some people, as it is to be overwhelmed with things to do. So start with something you know you can do. That might mean something as simple as relaxing for 10 minutes while you take a break from work. For others, (I know you are out there!) who are good at gifting themselves with self care, go full out. If you are working today, can you take an hour and get a massage, or a manicure, or go for a walk in the park. Can you call some friends and do something relaxing with them tonight. For me, I am such a kid at heart, that I am taking the afternoon off and going to the local pumpkin patch with my grandkids. We will enjoy the corn maze, drink hot apple cider, launch some pumpkins and go for a hay rid. We will undoubtedly laugh a lot, eat something bad for us, and generally act like kids.

So, you have been working hard! The next step is to be willing to recognize that, and give yourself time to breath, and relax. What will you do? What do you deserve? How can you love yourself, by treating you today?

Love,

Marquita

Maybe It's Time to Throw a Fit!

2008-10-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

I was talking with another coach and they mentioned that they had just threw a huge tantrum and it was a great way to get rid of unwanted emotions. Often when we are trying to walk through fire the emotion that comes up is not always sadness or grief, it is anger and frustration.

What better way to get past this than to let it out! Now I am not suggesting you immediately throw yourself on the floor and kick and scream (particularly if you are surrounded by co-workers or your family). What I am suggesting is that you have a private tantrum.

One of the ways I like to do this, is to get out paper and pen and just write a letter to whatever or whomever is really @#%$ing me off, and write down everything I would say to them if I could do it without repercussions. I don't send these letters, I often burn them afterward to enhance the walking through fire feeling. If you are more visual than that, a picture of your fit is another way to go. Imagine yourself with a paintbrush and bold colors like red and purple and painting all your emotions onto the paper. This is a glorious way to release!

For me, physical fits can be a great release. I used to have a wood stove in my house, and every weekend I would go out to my wood pile, pick up my splitting mall and chop all my frustrations away. Now I attend a workout class that includes martial arts, and it is amazing how some good punching and kicking can take my anger away. Any form of good physical exercise can be used to relieve anger. If you live near a beach, throwing rocks until you release all those pent up emotions is another good tool.

So my suggestion for this week is to have a tantrum. Pitch a fit. Release your anger about whatever is going through your life right now. Make sure that you don't do this in a way that harms another person or thing, because then you'll just have more things to work through!

I'd love to hear ideas for releasing your emotions that are creative and satisfying. Email me with any you have.

Take care,

Marquita

Fire Building Material

2008-10-06T14:11:00.001-07:00

In my last post, I talked about being willing to walk into fire. This week, I want to talk a little more about what you will be using as fuel for this fire.

As we grow and change in our lives we find that there are a lot of twists and turns along the way. We may change our partners, careers, homes, bodies, and many other things as we get to wherever we are today. When we find ourselves making these big changes, especially ones where we feel pain, (think lost relationship here), we don't always wait until we have resolved all of our feelings of pain, or anger, or sadness, before we move on down the road.

What happens then, is that these feelings get buried deep inside us, and we use a variety of ways of not dealing with them. So to be able to walk through fire we need to take these out of their storage place, look at them, and feel them. So here is a simple way to begin finding fuel for your fire.

Go back through your life and write down anyone you are angry with or sad about, or that you feel you have unfinished business with. These might be your parents, your exes, your bosses, maybe even your children. Just make a list of all these people.

The next step is to look at each individual situation and write down how you are feeling about it. An example for me would be my ex partner. I left him when I was making a big change in my life and I didn't give him a chance to be a part of that change. Right now I feel sorry that I did that, sad that I wasn't able to be more open at the time, and regretful that he was hurt by my behavior.

The next step is to sit with those feelings for as long as it takes to feel them. In my case, it doesn't take long, I have done this before and although there is still some sadness, it isn't a big issue today. For some big issues, it may take a while to feel all the feelings. Be willing to devote a small amount of time each day to do this, until you feel them all.

Once you have done that, you need to ask yourself, "Is there any action I need to take to finish grieving or dealing with this person?" In my case, what I would like to do is talk with my ex partner about this, and let him know that I am sorry for what I did. I have not been able to locate him, and so I can do this symbolically. How do I do that? I can write him a letter and express my amends to him that way. I can then put the letter away, or burn it and then I need to let go of it.

When there are things that need to be done to finish your grieving or deal with the pain, then do them. Do whatever it is until you feel that you are done with this person. You may not ever totally feel clean about everyone, but this is a good start.

In her book Steering by Starlight, Martha Beck offers what she calls a simple prayer to end things with. This is when I would use that prayer. It is, "Thanks, I quit." What a great way to let go once you have worked through an issue and came out the other side of the fire!

So, my hope is that you will start that list today. Just write as many people on the list, and stop when you feel you are done for now. Then pick it back up tomorrow, and keep doing this until you have navigated your own personal ring of fire.

Marquita

Walking Through Fire

2008-09-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons that it is difficult for people to stand up for themselves is they fear the consequences of living an esteemed life. What I mean by this, is that when you start being true to yourself, and you begin challenging the way things are in relationships, people often react in a negative way. This doesn't always mean they are bad people, or they shouldn't be in your life. It often means that they are scared of the changes you are making and worry about how it will affect them. So what happens is that both partners end up scared and fearful.

When this happens, it is important to be clear with those you love. Let them know that this is about being you and that you need to make these changes. It is equally important to let them know that you want them to be right there with you. When this works well, people get the opportunity to grow together and it benefits everyone concerned.

When this doesn't work well, and people decide that they are not going to accept change, than you can be left with the pain of loss, as well as the pain of growing. It often feels like becoming who you are means walking through fire. (Martha Beck calls this "The Ring of Fire" in her book Steering by Starlight). At this point many people decide they can't do it, and go back to their old way of life. They change their story to read something like this, "I tried to get what I wanted, but it didn't work, so I am stuck living this way." They can go telling that story for a very long time. Others begin to feel the pain, and instead of moving backwards, they stay stuck by finding ways to avoid, deny, or anesthetize the pain. They use behaviors such as overwork, smoking, drinking too much, and overeating. All of this is done so as not to feel the pain.

Neither of these ways of dealing with pain works well! In fact, both of these options can last far longer and be much more agonizing than actually feeling the pain. What does work well, is stepping into the fire. You may be thinking, "There she goes with those crazy ideas again. No way am I going to walk into pain!" Let me explain this course of action to you. When you decide to walk forward even if you are terrified, what happens is that you find something you may have lacked before. That thing is courage. You stand up straighter, you square your shoulders and you say, "Let me have it."

Then what occurs is pretty amazing. When you decide to accept and deal with the pain of loss in your life, and the pain of growing, and willingly walk forward in your life, your ability to gracefully feel, embrace and resolve pain is unbelievable. When you do this, the pain is processed, felt, released, and you move through it much quicker than if you try not to feel it, or to avoid it at all costs.

So here is my suggestion. Is there any pain, grief, or loss, that you are not dealing with at this moment? I want you to spend fifteen minutes a day over the next week, taking that pain or loss out and examining it. Look at it, describe it, feel it, embrace it, and release it in any way that feels right to you. This might mean crying, yelling, going to the beach and throwing rocks till your arms hurt, writing about it, using what works for you. Then I want you to let it go, until the next day. Let it go, and get up and keep moving towards your life. And then do it again the day after that.

I know you can do this.

Marquita

Walking Your Talk

2008-09-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

Last week I asked you to think about the times in your life when you haven't stood up for yourself. This included times when you were the one who was pushing yourself down, and not living the way you wanted.

This week I want to talk more about what to do when you feel as if others are holding you back, pushing you down, or not allowing you to grow and change. So, what do you do then? Good question. I don't want you to think there is always an easy answer. Sometimes it takes time to get to the place where you are ready to change, and ready to risk the fallout of being authentic and true to yourself.

The first thing I want to ask this week is, are you ready to move forward? Are you at that point where you know that if you do not do this, that you are consciously choosing a jail sentence, a death sentence, a slow erosion of everything you stand for? Okay, I am being dramatic. What I know is the more sure you are that you are ready, the easier it is to move forward. So if where you are is still more comfortable than changing, stay there. Do nothing. Wait until you are ready, and then move ahead.

If you are ready to move ahead, here are a few suggestions on how to begin:

First spend some time thinking about what you want and becoming clear on your needs. For example, if you want to get an education or go to school and your partner or parents are not enthusiastic. Think about exactly what you want to do, explore ways of doing it, and explore the costs and financing available. When you know all you need to know, it is much easier to be clear with others.
Once you have clarity on what you want to do, ask yourself if you can move ahead with your plan without the help and support of others. In the example above, can you go to school without support from your parents or partner? If this is true then it is simple to move on to the next step. If it is not true, how can you make it true? Can you do something to get in a position to do this without help. If so, do it. Now you can move to the next step.
Present your plan to the interested parties. Ask your partner or parents to sit down with you and share your plan with them. Start with something like this, "I have decided to go to college. Here is my plan. (Detail where you are going, and what you are majoring in, and your plans to follow through and pay for it). I am excited to be doing this and will keep you posted on my progress." If they start finding reasons you can't go, or telling you you shouldn't, simply answer with, "I understand you feel that way. I am confident I can do this without your support." Whatever you do, don't get into an argument, or let them feel they have control over whether you follow through or not.
The final step is just doing it. Walk your talk. Act as if. Follow through with your plans and don't let them spoil it for you. If you find that they are constantly interfering and trying to stop you from moving forward, there is a simple way of letting them know that won't work anymore. Take a couple of deep breaths, look them in the eye, and say, "I plan on moving ahead with this. It is very important to me. I would like to have you as a supportive person in my life. I understand that may not be possible right now. So, I will simply do this without that support." And then do it.

We will keep working on this. It is not easy, but I know you can do it.

Take care,

Marquita

Standing Up!

2008-09-06T08:03:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I began a discussion on building self-esteem in order to better love ourselves. I want to continue this with how to stand up in situations where we find it difficult.

First, what do I mean by standing up for ourselves. Most of us can relate to this in situations where we are being bullied in our relationships at home or at work. There are many places where we don't stand up for ourselves that may be much more subtle, and sometimes we put our own constraints on our self without anyone else being involved.

For example, when I married my husband there was a point in the first year of our marriage where I decided consciously that "I can just sit back now and work at the hospital and quit looking for adventures and just keep doing the same thing until I can retire." My husband never suggested this to me. But I was putting these brakes on myself because I was now secure and it seemed what I was "supposed" to do.

Thinking about this situation, I have to laugh at myself because it so ridiculous if you really know me. Here I was pushing myself down and no one was asking me too. Not too long after this I sought help from a support group and it wasn't long before I began following my heart and began coaching and finding every adventure I can! So fast forward to this year, when my business and my career have taken off and I was feeling that I wasn't getting the support I wanted from by husband. We talked about this and he was scared about security, and whether I would be able to accomplish all I wanted. I agreed with him that he had the right to be scared, but I told him "this is something I am going to do because I love coaching, and creating, and traveling, and although I love you, I can't give up myself for anyone." Fast forward again until now, and it's clear to both of us that my business is successful and my husband is more and more supportive all the time.

Last week I asked you to commit to doing one small thing for yourself and stick with it to build self esteem. This week, I'd like you take a look at where you push yourself down and stuff yourself away and don't stand up to others or your own thoughts. All I want you do is begin to look at these and next week I will expand more in how to stand up for yourself with others.

Until then,

Marquita

Self Esteem 101

2008-08-29T15:35:00.000-07:00

What makes someone feel good about themselves? How is it that some people seem to radiate self assurance in such a way that we are drawn to them, and want to feel the way they do?

Why am I asking these questions? Good question! One of the things I have always said is that to have the best relationships whether they are at work, at home, or at play, is to love ourselves first. My definition of self esteem is self love.

I recently listened to a CD by Caroline Myss on self esteem and I really love her take on what this is, and how to get more of it. Myss suggested that every problem in the world from a single relationship to global wars are caused by lack of self esteem. Her idea is that whenever someone feels there is a power imbalance there can be conflict.

Okay maybe that is a little more than you want to read in a relationship blog! But Myss's ideas about how we lose and how we build self esteem are worth looking at. She suggests this:

To build self esteem we need to take a close look at our daily lives. First, we need to look at how many times we let others take our power by not standing up for ourselves in some way. Second, we need to look at how many times we do something that puts another person down, or hurts them in any way. This is not for the faint of heart, because until you start looking, you may not realize how many times one or the other of these things happen. To really love who you are, it is vital to begin looking at how this happens in your life, and start the process of changing those two areas. I know that sounds like a huge bit of work, so I am going to suggest you do one small thing this week to start the process.

Each time we commit to doing something for ourselves, however small, and stick with it, we show our spirit that we care about ourselves and our esteem grows. Let me give you an example. Let's say you want to be more fit, and you decide to walk every day. If you follow through with this, you feel better about yourself and your esteem grows. However, if you start doing what is good for you and don't follow through, you let yourself down, and your esteem goes down.

To begin building self love for yourself, I want you to think about one small thing you can start today to create self esteem. Make sure that it is small enough, and doable enough that you will keep doing it no matter what. If you do this, I guarantee your esteem will start growing because you will trust yourself to do something good for you.

Go on, give it a try. What do you have to lose?

Marquita

On Vacation!

2008-08-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

One of the best ways to have good relationships is take care of yourself. To that end, I am on vacation and will resume my blogging with new vigor when I return later this month.

I hope that you are taking the time this summer to relax and play and soak up the sun. I love this time of year, and I am working on recharging my engines and loving life.

Talk to you soon, Marquita

"He's Still a Guy"

2008-07-31T17:22:00.000-07:00

This morning I got up and the song "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith was stuck in my head. The reason for this was that last night I watched a video about this lion who was raised by a couple of guys, and then let back into the wild. The guys went to see the lion after a year, and were told he wouldn't recognize them. The lion was so happy to see them that he was literally hugging and licking them and so excited to be reunited with his people. The song that was playing in the video was "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." It was all very beautiful and heartwarming.

As I was drinking my coffee, (which my husband had poured and ready for me as I stumbled out of the bedroom), my husband said that he had the song "I'm Still a Guy" by Brad Paisley stuck in his head. This song has a verse that reads:

I don't have highlights in my hair,

I've still got a pair,

I'm still a guy!

These two songs stuck in our heads as we start out day are a great symbol of the differences between men and women! I'm thinking of this beautiful song about not wanting to fall asleep because I might miss some of this great love, and he's thinking about a song that reinforces his manhood!

What I love about this is that I wouldn't have it any other way. He can be the hunter gatherer that he is, he can prefer action movies to chick flicks, and he can be all the things that make him a man. When it comes to men it usually isn't about romance and frills. It is about providing and laughter and physical needs.

My husband expresses his love by pouring that coffee for me in the morning, by fixing a great steak on the barbecue, and by kissing my chap stick off every night. So when you are wishing your partner was more romantic or giving, pay close attention to what they do. What they do is much more important than what they say any day!

Marquita

Horse Play

2008-07-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

I'm in love! Don't tell my husband, but yesterday, I began the most amazing relationship with a horse. What's more, I don't even know her name. I just know that she and I joined up in an amazing way during a leadership training with Koelle Simpson the owner of the Gift of Equus.

"What does this have to do with relationships?" you ask. Everything. What Koelle teaches is that nonverbal communication is a much bigger part of relationships than verbal communication. In our relationships we might say the right things and do the right things, and yet to an outside observer there is obviously something wrong. For example have you ever had a conversation with a friend and they were telling you how fantastic their new boyfriend is, yet there eyes were downcast, their shoulders were slumped, and they spoke without conviction. Did you believe what they were saying?

With horses, it is all about body language. They have specific ways of knowing by how we behave, whether or not they will trust us to lead them. They are herd animals and are very happy to be lead, but they must feel safe and want to be led by you. This is what the Gift of Equus teaches, and it is magic. If you want to feel some of this magic check out Koelle at www.giftofequus.com.

So my thought this week is take a look closer at the relationships around you. Are you feeling confident when you are with those you love? Do you feel safe being who you are when you are around them? Do you make a safe place for them to be who they are around you? If you have never spent much time watching people, try going to a public place and just watch people go by. See if you can pick up on their energy by watching what their bodies are telling you. Do the same thing with friends and family. Don't just listen to what they say with their voice, notice what they say with their bodies.

I know that for me, I am going to look a little closer at my nonverbal communication, and what message I am giving others. I am good at reading others, and I want to make sure I am good at reading myself as well. The other thing is, I can't wait to do this again, and fall in love with the next horse who joins with me. It felt too good not to do it again!

Happy Trails,

Marquita

I am Me, You are You, and We are All Together

2008-07-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

It was just Independence Day here in America, and it got me thinking about love and independence rather than co-dependence. When I was learning about love and how to be a whole person, I had this idea that two people would meet, come together and form a whole. That belief led me to accept a lot of unacceptable things and to stay in relationships I should have never entered into in the first place.

What I learned in my journey to wholeness, is that I need to be able to depend on myself. I need to know that whatever happens in my life and my relationships that I will be okay. Really loving yourself is about being good with or without someone. Really loving someone else is wanting them to feel the same way, and allowing them to be who they are in life.

My husband and I are going on trips this year without each other. He is going fishing in Alaska, and I am going to Costa Rica with my granddaughter. We were talking about this over coffee this morning and I mentioned that I would be in Central America during hurricane season. He began joking about getting more life insurance for me, and we had a good laugh about it. The truth is I know he would be heart broken if something happened to me, but then he would heal and be all right because we don't have a co-dependent relationship. I wouldn't want it any other way.

I like the way love and indepencence is writtten about in this poem by Kahlil Gibran:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Happy Loving,

Marquita

How's Your Relationship?

2008-06-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

In the June issue of Self Magazine there is a great article about red flags in a partnership. These are flags that would indicate whether there is trouble brewing and what to do to get things back on track.

I think there are some great ideas in the story, so I will give you my interpretation here:

Does he really need to know what you had for lunch and what happened at work today? The answer is a definite yes. When we don't take time to go over our day and let our partners into our more mundane life, we miss the opportunity to grow closer, and it makes it harder to talk about the more important things.

Is it okay to be really independent and enjoy separate interests (and like it that way)? This is more of a yes and no answer. It is okay to be independent and have separate interests. The problem is when you don't spend time doing things you enjoy together you lose out on a lot of fun, and end up disconnecting from each other. Date nights and time together are key to a happy relationship.

Is it okay to never fight? I've always said in my marriage that we occasionally just need to have a good fight! If you don't talk about the small things or the big things in a relationship and be willing to put yourself out there to work things out, there could be trouble ahead.

On the other hand, is it okay to resort to low lows in a fight? No, it is never okay to resort to low blows. These include name calling, threats, stomping around, or other forms of verbal or physical abuse.

Do you think your relationships would be so much better if only he or she was more .........(insert just about anything here)? This is a good question to bring up, and it is one of those things that I tell myself and others all the time. The only person you can change is you. However, you can be honest and live authentically for you, and sometimes people change because of the examples we set. I would suggest writing down all the things you are grateful for in your relationship and look at the whole person, not just the one thing that drives you crazy.

What if we aren't that affectionate with each other? Everyone has different needs for affection. Some people love to cuddle all the time and others are uncomfortable with cuddling. What is true is that if you want more affection try initiating it yourself. Start small. Do things like hold hands when you walk. Make sure you hug and kiss good bye in the morning. As your partner gets used to more affection you can slowly increase the amount of cuddling you do.

What if our sex life is just ....fine? There is a quote in the article that says "Life is filled with difficulty and challenges, sex can help repair wounds and bring you together." I love that. Sometimes we find ourselves wanting to fix everything first before we are willing to have sex. My suggestion is try having sex first and see if it might help fix other issues!

Take Care,

Marquita

The River

2008-06-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

Last week I was on a trip with a bunch of women friends and we went river rafting. This is something I do every year, and I am always amazed by how much I love the river and the joy of running rapids and working together with a group to keep the raft upright and not end up in the water.

As I was considering writing this post, it dawned on me that running the river is a great metaphor for life and relationships. This is what I mean by that statement:

Making the choice to go river rafting is not an easy one. You need to be open to new things, you have to like the outdoors and the adventure, and you need to be able to trust yourself and the people you are with. Often when we are going through life, there are people and situations that we are not open to and we don't trust ourselves or them and we choose not to take that ride.

Once you decide go rafting, you need to gear up and learn what you need to do to stay afloat. This means that you don a life jacket, a helmet, and sometimes a wet suit. In life you take on protections in the form of boundaries to keep you safe as you move through life. Then you need an education. In rafting that is learning how to listen to your guide and when to paddle and when to hold on.

Once you begin the journey, there is no way to go but follow the river. Sometimes you float along peacefully and there is not a lot required of you. Sometimes you find rapids that require you to listen to your guide, to do your part to keep the raft on course, and enjoy the feel of the river flowing over you.

Occasionally someone comes out of the raft and if you do, you need to lean back, point your feet downstream and let the river take you until you can be picked up. If someone is in the water, you may need to rescue them. This is accomplished by grabbing their life jacket and falling backward into the raft and pulling them in on top of you! I find in relationships, if you become derailed by something, just moving forward and doing the next indicated thing is often the best advice. Then at some point, you find yourselves grabbing on to each other and ending up on top of each other again. And then you laugh, and breathe, and move on down the river.

So how do you want your life and relationships to flow today?

Marquita

What If.......

2008-06-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

What if you you are in a difficult relationship and you have tried to work things out, and things just stay the same, and you can't let go?

This is a question I hear all the time. The answer is you stay and keep working on yourself and let the outcome work itself out. You are probably wondering why you can't fix this. I always wanted to find the easy way out and I am living proof that there isn't one. I remember asking a mentor once, "Why do I keep walking back into the same old problems over and over again?" Her reply was simple, and very wise. It was "You'll do it til you don't."

There are definitely things that can be done to work on a relationship through counseling and coaching and sometimes religion or spirit. If both people are willing to work together, things can and do get better. The problem occurs when only one person wants to change things and the other doesn't, or isn't willing to participate in working things out.

When this is where you are at, the best option is to seek help or guidance for yourself. Often there is no easy answer, and that is when you have to choose to stay and feel your feelings and work through your truth to get to the answer that is right for you. Only then can you make a decision that feels peaceful. When you have done all that you can, and worked through your issues and know exactly what you want, the future becomes clear and the path is laid out for you.

I never tell anyone to stay or go in a relationship. The truth is those answers are ones that people must figure out for themselves. I have seem brave souls who have stayed and loved and worked on their relationships in such an amazing manner, and been awed by their ability to keep going until they got to the place they were meant to go. It is a joy to be a relationship coach and be a witness to the beauty of watching someone figure it out, and step into their right life. I intend to keep doing it for a long time!

Take care,

Marquita

Spider Love

2008-05-31T20:26:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been the fly in a case of spider love? You know what I mean, its when it seems like you are being held captive in a web of sweet words, and carefully taken care of, and then when you least expect it the other shoe drops. It is the kind of love I like to call crazy making. It is where the person is often charismatic and exciting and you fall hard and fast for them, and then when they know they have you, they suddenly start eating you in slow, painful fashion.

I know this sounds terribly dramatic, and not like much fun. However in my coaching practice and my experience I have met people who do exactly what I have described. And the funny thing is, the other person, the "victim" of the spider keeps walking right back into the web. Why is this?

This is because many of these so called spiders are either sociopaths or narcissists. They are often smart, they know exactly what a woman (or man) wants to hear. They treat you better than you have ever been treated in your life, and they draw others to them exactly like flies to a web. When they are sure you are truly deeply involved, they begin testing the waters with small betrayals, to see if you will let them get away with it. If you tend to be insecure about your boundaries, they will see this and begin to try bigger and bigger betrayals. When you call them on it, a spider love will always find a way to suggest you brought it on yourself. They will say something like, "I didn't want to hurt you, but I had to because of (insert something you did to make them do it here)" or they will say, "I love you more than life itself, I didn't mean it, It'll never happen again," and what's worse they are so convincing people fall for it.

Why am I bringing this up here? Because if you are in a relationship with someone like this, I want you to know there is help. You are not crazy! There is no good reason for a person ever to be hurt over and over again by someone who doesn't have the capacity to love anyone but themselves. I'd like to tell you that you can fix spider love. However, I have yet to see a case where it worked out to happily ever after.

The hardest thing about being caught in the web of spider love, is that it is extremely difficult to extricate yourself. Spiders try to hold on to their prey at all costs. These are the kind who harass, stalk, cajole, try to bribe, wine and dine, and do anything to stop people from leaving. The truth is that they don't really care about the person leaving, it is that they cannot stand being left. It is once again about them and not you.

I keep trying to tone this post down, make it sound better, leave a happier note. The happy note is this. You can decide to take care of you and love yourself. You can decide to be true to you, and to have the life you want. You can be strong and get the love you want. I am here to help you, and there are lots of others who are willing to help to.

Marquita

Practical Magic for Love

2008-05-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

Finding the love you want often feels like magic. There is that special thrill, that feeling of walking on air, and the way you find yourself smiling so much your cheeks hurt.

When I am coaching people in how to find love, there sometimes seems to be a big gap between where they are and the love they want. It often seems that to bridge that gap would require superhuman power, magical intervention, or at the very least a complete restructuring of their whole life!

Some times all the above are needed, and I am here to tell you it can be done. How do I know this? Because I have done that very thing in my life. Through the course of this blog, I have been sharing the path I took in hopes that some of you would find hope and strength in what I have learned and find some tools that will take you to your power, your magic, and that completely remade life.

Recently I have had the opportunity to compile this information in a more cohesive and readable format. I compiled my blog entries into a book so that I could share the tools for finding love to more readers. While putting this together, I edited some, and added some, and made the format easy to follow.

The result is a book by the name of Practical Magic for Love. I would love to share it with any and all of you, and will soon have it available on both this blog and my website. If you are wanting to get a preview copy of the book, please send me an email and I will gladly share it with you.

Here's to magic in life and love, and when you need a parking space!

Marquita

Mother's, You Gotta Love Them!

2008-05-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

This time of year I think a lot about my mother. She is often missing in the stories I tell, and my father usually gets top billing. This isn't because she didn't influence my relationships, its just that my father was the first dysfunctional male relationship in my life and is often cast somewhere between the villain and the person who told me I could do anything if I put my mind to it.My mother was the stable parent. She was round and warm and kept us dressed and fed. I was not her favorite, and I can understand that, as I was a lot like my Dad.

When I was growing up, I made an early decision that I would never be like her. She was the one who let men and children rule her life and I always thought she could have done better. Needless to say, if you have read my earlier posts, you know that I turned out to be just like her. I picked the wrong men, made many of the same mistakes, and ended up warm and round and a bit wiser as the years have gone by.

My mother passed away over seventeen years ago. I miss her a lot. I think that we would have a great relationship once I wised up and started to become the woman I am today. Each year around Mother's Day she is on my mind more than usual and I want to honor her in this post.

So, here's to my mother. If she was here today I would not hesitate to thank her for the person she was, and the person she helped me to be. She was so strong, and loved deeply, and always tried to do the best she could for her family. She loved God, and believed she would be with him when she died, and I am sure she is. We did not share that faith, but she was certain of it and never seemed to question it.

If she was here today, she could join me tomorrow as I go to my daughter's house to share Mother's Day brunch with her and my son and grandchildren. And she would be the matriarch instead of me. I would bring her back to my house and show her the Shirley tulips I planted for her, and she would cry for joy.

What is the story of your mother today? Is there a way to tell it that makes it better or honors her more? Are there truths you need to talk about with her? This is your chance. You may not get another.

Marquita

What Sends You to the Moon?

2008-04-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was literally floating on air! I think I went so high as to feel I was walking on the moon. This is the feeling I get when I am living the life that feels so right to me, I almost can't stand how good it feels. As I spend more of my time doing work that I love, and having relationships that actually work, the more often I have to pinch myself to make sure it's real.

To be honest, I don't feel this way everyday! Just a couple of days ago, I was cranky, tired, and wondering how to make sure I got through the day without causing irreparable damage in any of my relationships.

In the past, when my life wasn't working very well, I used to tell the people around me, "I'm not fit for human consumption today, so be aware that if you get too close, I might bite."

The one thing I have learned in life is that there will be highs and lows, with a lot of "life's pretty good" in between. What I need for all these situations is tools to deal with whatever comes my way. Here's what I have found works for me:

I start each day with a routine that works whether I wake up feeling great, or I wake up wondering how I am going to get through the day. I have some time for me, I drink really good coffee, I walk, whatever the weather, with my dog, and I eat a good breakfast.
I read at least one good meditation book and list five things I am grateful for everyday.
I have at least a couple of people I can call and talk with whether I feel wonderful, or I feel like dog doo-doo.
I let people know who I am. This is really important for relationships. I don't pretend anymore that life is always okay. If I am struggling or soaring, my partner, family, and confidants know the real me. I don't take my moods out on them, I am just honest about where I am, and this allows them to be open and honest with me.
I am coachable on a daily basis. I don't know all the answers, and when I need help, I coach myself, I get coached by others, and sometimes I get coached by someone I talk to in the supermarket who doesn't even know they are sharing their wisdom with me.
I work hard every day to be open to what life has in store for me. If I close up and am not open, I miss everyday opportunities to learn and grow.

This is what works for me. It may not work for you. I am willing to bet that you know what will work to ground you everyday, so that you can start off on the right foot, and some ways to pull you back to earth when you float too far into the atmosphere. Take a moment to consider this, and ask yourself, "What can I do each day to lay the groundwork to live my most awesome, stellar life?" And then, do it. Put it into action today, and see what happens.

Marquita

The Importance of Dates

2008-04-21T07:58:00.000-07:00

Whether you have been married 50 years or you just met last week, the importance of dating can't be stressed enough. Dating is a wonderful way to get to know someone, even if you already have known each other a long time.

Why is this? It is because when two people decide on an activity together, they are committed to sharing that time with each other. It brings the focus of both participants on being together and doing something they enjoy.

This may seem unnecessary in a long term romance. The truth is, the world today is full of distractions. We are distracted by silly things like work, children, money, home, family. Okay these are not silly, but they do distract us. Often relationships get put way down on our list of have-tos, and end up getting pushed to the back burner.

The other thing that is great about dates is that they can be about anything. I am an outdoor girl and although I love a good movie and dinner, I like to try different outdoor activities. One of the things that kept me coming back when I was dating my husband was because our dates often happened outdoors. We played golf, went fishing, went clam digging, hiking, and many other nature based activities.

Sometime it's fun to try something new, so be open to new things, and find adventure in dating! If you are single and meet someone, try thinking of something different than the standard date. This can keep people coming back for more.

If you are in a long term relationship, is there something new you both could try to add surprise and joy to your next date?

Let me know where you end up!

Marquita

Cleaning Out the Cobwebs

2008-04-11T19:17:00.001-07:00

The weather has been warming up and as the sun begins shining through my windows for the first time in a long time, I am beginning to see all the dust and spider webs that have accumulated this winter.

Sometimes our relationships need to be dusted off and the cobwebs swept, so that they don't become stale and lose their luster. My plan for this weekend is to spend a little time airing out my marriage and shining it up a little.

I have been so busy lately that it seems my husband and I have been going so many different ways that we haven't had much time for romance or spending time with each other.

We are both somewhat low maintenance as a rule. He is pretty secure in who he is and is able to take care of himself and his needs when I am busy. I am also good alone, and don't need to be constantly attended too. The problem with this, is that when we get busy, we don't get enough time together.

When this happens, it is important that we talk, and remind ourselves how much we love each other. One thing we always do is eat dinner together and talk about our day. When we get a free evening, we see a movie or take a long walk together and make sure that we don't put making love on the back burner.

If you are in a relationship, does it need some dusting off and sprucing up? How about a date night? Go out, spend time together, and make out like high school kids.

If you are not in a romance, how is your relationship with you? Do you need to call some friends and make a date to go out dancing, see a ball game, go camping?

Relationships require tending, just as flowers or pets do. If you are seeing dust and cobwebs and weeds, how can you tend to your relationships this week?

Marquita

Spring Break

2008-04-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

It is time to give yourself a break! Yes, YOU.

When was the last time you spent time with yourself and enjoyed just being?

I was asking myself the same question earlier this week. I have (supposedly) taken the week off. My granddaughters are here as they are out of school for the week and usually spend time with me during breaks.

I have a lot of work that is also due this week, consequently the word supposedly. I have learned a few tools along the way for relaxing even during times when we are busy or have obligations to meet.

Here are a few of them:

Every day I get up a half hour earlier than I need to. This half hour is all mine. I get a cup of coffee, curl up on the couch and do nothing for the full length of time.

When I have to get some work done, I allow myself time to play first. This makes the work go a lot faster when I am feeling like my needs are met.

Make a list of all you have to do for the day and then Bag It, Barter It, or Better It.

Bag It means: Is this something that is really necessary for me to do today or at all? If the answer is no, then don't do it, Bag It.

To Barter It means: Can someone else do this for me? What do I need to do for them in exchange? If someone else can help, then Barter It.

To Better It means: Is there some way I can make this project more fun, or easier to do. If so, then Better It.

Lastly if you can't take the whole week off, then take at least one day during the week where you do only what you feel like doing. I am doing this tomorrow, as I am going to the coast and spending time with family, and just relaxing.

This week, where can you use some of these tools to make your life more peaceful and relaxing for you? Or better yet, what tools do you already use to do this? And how can you use them this week?

Marquita

Steering by Starlight

2008-03-24T14:19:00.000-07:00

This week I have been joyously reading the new book by Martha Beck, Steering by Starlight. In this book Martha goes where no coach has gone before and it is fabulous.

There are many tools in the book for living the life you want. One of the first exercises in the book is a great one to adapt for use in relationships. You can use this when you are looking for a partner or when you are already involved with someone and find yourself wanting them to fulfill all your needs.

There are three parts to this exercise:

The first part is to ask yourself, "What do I want from a partner right now?" For example, some people may want to feel loved, or cared for. Just write down what you want from either your current partner or a future partner.
The second part is to picture yourself getting what you want. For example, if you want to feel loved, picture what that feels like. Now write down the feeling you get, when you have what you want.
The third part is to ask yourself, "How can I get this feeling now?" If you are in a relationship, it may be as simple as asking for more time together. If you are not, you need to be creative. Do you have a pet you can cuddle with? A friend who will come over? A Teddy Bear to love?

These tools can help you get your needs met, without waiting for some future that doesn't exist. One of the best parts of working on yourself and meeting your own needs, is that other people find it very attractive, and who know where that might lead!

Take care,

Marquita

Love's Crazy Quilt

2008-03-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I wrote about time challenged relationships. It seems that since that post, my life has been time challenged! I want to publish a new post each week, and I am recommitting to doing that, as my life becomes more crazy.

This week I would like to talk about another kind of crazy, the crazy quilt of patterns that can occur in our relationships and our lives. The more I work with people who are healing their love lives and figuring out what is most authentic for them, the more I find that we tend to create a pattern in our relationships.

My pattern when I was out there in relationship hell was to find men who on the one hand were exciting, adventurous, and funny, and on the other hand were lost, sometimes abusive, often addicted, and not good long term relationship material. I would meet men who were kind, loving and hardworking, but I tended not to stay with them long.

These issues became the pattern of my relationships. When I took the time to write about each relationship and look at what happened, both good times and bad, I found a familiar pattern. It was even predictable after a while. There would be a couple of squares of excitement and fun, and then a dark square of abuse and addiction. When I would add in a nice guy, there might be a mellow and peaceful square.

If you have already made a list of your relationships and looked at what happened in each, my suggestion is looking for the patterns.

Do they always start the same way, or end the same way? Are there periods where the pattern has shifted?

Do the patterns remind you of other close relationships, such as those with one or both of your parents?

Once you recognize the patterns it is much easier to work on changing them, or doing something different, so that the patterns change. The patterns in my life shifted as I recognized something different. The squares of abuse and addiction started to come less often and eventually disappeared. The squares of peace and fun continued to multiply and grow. Now, my love quilt, has an occasional "We really need to have a good fight square!", and a lot of enjoying out lives together squares.

If you drew a pattern for your crazy quilt of love, what would it look like? What can you start doing today, to make the pattern work better for you? Whatever it is, start doing that!

Marquita

Resetting the Clocks!

2008-03-08T15:57:00.000-08:00

Tonight is the night we have to set our clocks forward to begin Daylight Savings Time here in the Pacific Northwest. This got me thinking about our own internal clocks and how difficult it can be to change them.

I have always been more of a night person than a morning person. Well, that isn't exactly true. Once I am up and have had my daily dose of caffeine I enjoy mornings and have a lot of energy.

In the past I have always stayed up until 10 or 11pm on weeknights and preferred to roll out of bed around 6:30am. On weekends, I would stay up late and often sleep in and enjoy the extra time to relax. That may not sound like a night person to you, but compared to my husband, it qualifies! He prefers to be up before the crack of dawn, go to work early, come home early, and be in bed by 9pm every night.

This is a huge improvement over when we first met. Until I met him, I had never been in a relationship where we were what I would like to call "Time Challenged."

What is a time challenged relationship? For me it was one where I was finding it hard to end up in bed with my husband when we were both awake. This made it hard for us to find time for sex, and even just to cuddle in bed. When we first got married, I wasn't sure this was going to work for us. He would go to bed before I did, and get up before I did. My staying up later would bother him and, his getting up earlier would bother me!

Something had to change if we wanted to get enough sleep. My husband took a while to understand how important it was to work this out so we could both be happy. When it got to the point where I suggested separate bedrooms, he saw how serious I was. What we have done over time is move closer to each other in our schedules. He now goes to bed an hour later than he used to, and I go to bed an hour earlier, and we both end up in bed about the same time.

I have talked with other couples about what they do when they are Time Challenged. For those who can't find a way to get their schedules the same, because of different shifts, the challenges of children, and other unfortunate circumstances, the idea of having a room of their own can be a good idea. Sometimes this can even add some excitement to a relationship because they look forward to when they can get together.

Whatever your time challenges are, my suggestion is to be honest with each other and find creative ways to find intimacy and get the rest you need. What works for you? I would love to hear comments from anyone who has some experience with time issues.

Marquita

Soul Mates

2008-02-29T12:18:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I decided to work on myself and learn how to have better romances, was because of a bad break-up with a man who felt very much like a soul mate.

In my coaching I find that these relationships are the hardest to get over and the hardest to understand why they didn't work. Why is it that some people meet a person who feels like home, and it works, and for others it doesn't?

I really don't know the answer to that. I am not sure there is an easy one. For me personally it was because I still had a "Broken Picker." I was still picking people who had addictions, and were wrong for me in many ways. I did learn a lot from this relationship about how much I could love someone, and still love myself enough to let them go. Difficult as this was, it set me on the path of becoming the person I am today and I am very grateful for that.

This last week I was reading the book Eat Pray Love by Elisabeth Gilbert and I found a great passage about soul mates. I am going to share it with you here:

"And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's hard for me to get over this guy is because I believed (he) was my soul mate"

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is you perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But live with your soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for that."

I like this explanation. It fits right in with what happened to me. So if you are grieving the loss of a "soul mate" maybe this passage will give you comfort and set you on the path to finding yourself.

Marquita

What Story are You Telling?

2008-02-20T15:09:00.001-08:00

When I was struggling with love, my stories all had a predictable format. I was always cast as the heroine and the men I was with were usually cast as the villains. When I began looking at my love life and realized that I was not a victim, I decided to recast these stories.

To do this, I needed to look at the real truth of what had happened in each of these relationships. I started by creating a timeline that showed each relationship and how long it lasted, and who had ended it. Usually I was the one who called it quits.

Then I wrote down the characteristics of each man I had been involved with. I wrote down both good and bad things about each one, and I only allowed myself to write down actual facts, not the embellishments my mind wanted to add.

Next I wrote down my part in the problems of each relationship. For example, sometimes I lied to my partners, sometimes I allowed them to treat me in ways that I shouldn't have allowed, sometimes I didn't give them the chance they deserved. In each partnership, there were things I had done that contributed to the problems.

The hardest thing I did was make amends to some of my partners for the things I had done. This helped me to forgive them for what they had done, and also to forgive myself for the mistakes I made.

Now the stories of my relationships are much different. There are no heroes. There are no victims. They are just stories about people trying to find love without the proper tools.

What stories are you telling about you love history? Is it time to recast and rewrite? You might be surprised by the happy endings you find!

Marquita

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

This is my valentine to you. I want to tell you how amazing each and every one of you are. If you don't believe this, consider reading on and see if what I say might change your mind.

First of all, you are here trying to find love for yourself and for others and that is one of the most difficult and honorable things anyone can do in their lifetime.

It is made even more difficult when you consider the odds of being open to love and at sometime in this life getting your heart broken because of that openness. Yet you find ways to learn how to stay present, to be authentic to yourself and others, and to let others into your life.

Being human in a world full of magic and spirit is sometimes like rowing a boat with a soup ladle. You move forward in your lives a little and often slip downstream and lose ground. Yet, being human, there is this part of you, that with resilience and sometimes just plain stubbornness, gets up each morning and walks out in to this world and says "What can I do today?" "How can I keep moving and learning in how to love others today?"

And finally you keep loving yourself. Being true to who you are is what makes you capable of being able to love others. When you don't know how to do this, you ask for help. You wouldn't be reading this post if you were'n't asking for help for yourself. Asking for help is the essence of self love.

Happy Valentines Day!

Love,

Marquita

Lets Talk About Attraction

2008-02-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

The Law of Attraction is on my mind this week. I actually had an opportunity to be picked to go on the Oprah Winfrey show if I had a unique story about the Law of Attraction. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided I wasn't sure if I had a unique story, or that I could be "Oprah ready" in a couple of days when they wanted to tape! But it did get me thinking about this principle. I know many of you have read books like The Secret and a lot of what I have been writing about in the last few posts is about attraction. When I suggest ideas such as visualizing your ideal mate or life, and talk about things like Wildly Improbable Goals, what I am really talking about is the principle of attraction. Being sort of ADD in the way my mind links from one thing to the next it was inevitable that I would eventually get to attraction and relationships.

What is it that attracts people to each other? I know that for me when I was struggling with my broken picker, I seemed to gravitate to men who were similar in looks and in behavior, and it wasn't usually good behavior! When I learned to love myself first, and then figured out the qualities I wanted in a relationship, I attracted a very different type of person. What is really attractive about my husband is his sense of humor and his integrity. I also love that he is an outdoor guy and we enjoy a lot of the same activities.

How did I attract this different sort of person to me. First of all, by being the type of person I wanted to attract. I wanted someone who was dependable and hardworking, so I became dependable and hardworking. I wanted someone who was outdoorsy and knew how to have fun, so I enjoyed the outdoors in many different ways and had a blast doing things I enjoyed. I wanted someone who was truly available to be in a relationship, and so I became that way myself. It is much easier to attract the type of person you want if you treat yourself the way you want to be treated and work on being the ideal you.

It also helps to believe that you will attract the type of person you want. If you go around thinking "It might work for others, but it won't work for me", then you are right it won't. So right now I want you to do two things:

First write out a short descriptive paragraph that contains all the qualities you think are necessary for the person you want to be with. Don't forget to add some fun things too, not just serious, but maybe you want a guy who tells great jokes or make the best pies you ever ate, and loves his dog too.

Now rewrite the statement starting with the words, "I am in a wonderful relationship with a partner who" and then add all those qualities after this. The statement has to be written as if it is already happening.

That's it. Now keep that paragraph somewhere. Take it out every so often and read it out loud if possible, and see what happens. Let's see who you can attract into your life.

Let me know what happens,

Marquita

Snow Days

2008-01-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

Today is a snow day. I didn't really want it to be a snow day, I actually wanted to go to work. When I have done other jobs in the past I have always wanted snow days so I can stay home and play. Now that I am a life coach I love my work days, they feel like play to me.

Sometimes the universe has other ideas for me! I am doing some work from home, but I am also enjoying the snow day, and I think there are some relationship lessons I can learn from this. Here they are:

Most of us don't get enough time to play as adults. I bet some of you think that play is for kids. How wrong you are! The first thing everyone should do on a snow day is play. This morning when I went for my walk with my dog, I asked my husband to go along so that we could play in the snow. We enjoyed walking in six inches of glorious powder where no one else except for a rabbit had gone before. We watched my dog who is a Husky/German shepherd mix enjoy the excitement of fresh snow. We threw a few snowballs, and of course we made a few snow angels!
The second thing to do is relax. This is the time to come in sit beside a fire if you have one, and drink hot liquids. Get out the hot chocolate, the marshmallows, the brandy, whatever works for you and enjoy. Is there a movie you have been putting off watching or a book you haven't read because of lack of time, NOW is the time
If you and your partner are stuck at home together, and you haven't had time to talk recently or to relax together, to make love, to snuggle on the couch, a snow day is the perfect time to catch up with each other.
If you are single or alone you can use a snow day to stay in your pajamas all day long, read trashy magazines or novels, take a hot bath, make yourself a nice pot of soup, and catch up on friends and relatives by phone or email.

Whatever you choose to do on a snow day, make sure you take time to treat yourself to some relaxation and pleasure and make it an enjoyable day! That's exactly what I plan to do.

Marquita

If You Build It, They Will Come

2008-01-21T14:26:00.000-08:00

What do you do when you are waiting for romance in your life? What do you do when you are single and trying to love yourself first? The answer is simple you build the life you have always dreamed of! Doesn't sound simple, well it is easier than you think.

What I do is spend some time visualizing that life every day. My coach told me to start pretending I was the Ideal Marquita, and then as I went through my day, to ask myself "Would the Ideal Marquita be doing this right now?" If the answer was yes, than I should keep doing more of that. If the answer was no, then I should ask myself how much longer I would keep doing something that is not part of my most authentic life. Let me give you an example. When I picture the Ideal Me, she is athletic, trim, enjoys hiking, rafting, golfing, snorkeling, traveling, hanging out with grandchildren (yes, I have grandchildren!), being married to her husband, and she absolutely loves adventure, and she works for herself and is a great writer and coach. Boy, that was a mouthful! The truth is some days I spend a lot of time being the Ideal Me, and some days she doesn't even come into the picture!

What happens when I consider what is ideal for me is that I look a lot closer at how I spend my time, and as in the last post, I consider what story I am telling. What I try to do is spend a little more time each day doing things that will lead me closer to who I want to be. This might mean that if I want to be trim and athletic, I need to add more movement to my life. This might mean that if I want to be a good coach, that I continue to learn and grow and be open to new ways of coaching.

If you will take a few minutes each morning and visual your ideal life and who the Ideal You is, you will find ways to move closer to being that person. I promise you that if you do this, people will be drawn to the amazing person you have become and will be ecstatic to spend time with you!

Marquita

I Am NOT a Victim!

2008-01-16T09:20:00.000-08:00

One of the issues I had in learning to be different in my relationships was the story I was telling. We all have stories we tell about our lives, and sometimes we are the hero or heroine in the story, sometimes we are the clown, and sometimes we are the victim.

In my stories about my relationships, I was usually the victim. They would go something like this: Girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, boy misbehaves (and this might be by being abusive, having an addiction, being unfaithful, or any combination), and then girl finally gets fed up and leaves. In each story, I was cast as the good intentioned one who just happened to find people who would need fixing in some way. What I didn't realize until I began doing work in a twelve step program which suggested I take a thorough inventory of myself, was that in each and every relationship I had been in, I had at least some of the responsibility for how it turned out. When I did this work, I was no longer able to see myself as a victim. What an eye opener!! My whole world began to change as I realized that "I" was responsible for how my relationships turned out. After this, my stories began to change, and although I still occasionally begin to cast myself as a victim, I usually end up the heroine, or else I laugh at myself and I become the clown.

Recently, while reading a daily meditation book the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, I came across an entry about this very thing, and it included a formal waiver of responsibility. I am going to share it with you here, because it is very powerful.

WAIVER

I understand that during the course of my life I will be required to make many decisions, such as where I want to live, whom I want to live with, where I work, how much fun I have, and how I spend my money and time, including how much time I spend waiting for things to get better and people to change, and whom I choose to love.

I understand that many events that occur will be out of my hands and that there are inherent dangers and risks in all decisions I make. Life and people have no obligation whatsoever to live up to my expectations; I have no obligation to live up to the expectations of anybody else. Life is a high-risk sport, and I may become injured along the way.

I agree that all decisions I make are mine and mine alone, including how I choose to handle the events that are beyond my control. I hereby forfeit my right to recourse as a victim, including my rights to blame, complain, and whine or hold someone else responsible for the path I choose to take. I am responsible for my participation-or lack of it-in life. And I take complete responsibility for the outcomes and consequences of all the decisions I make, understanding that ultimately it is my choice whether I become happy, joyous, and free or stay miserable and trapped.

Although people may voluntarily nurture and love me, I and I alone am responsible for taking care of and loving myself.

Signed:______________________

Dated:______________________

I love this, I have my signed copy! What stories are you telling today? Where do you want to take responsibility?

Marquita

THE Most Important Relationship!

2008-01-08T12:43:00.000-08:00

This blog originated to help women in their relationships with men. The idea was to use my expertise, in particular my experience of failing in relationships, to assist others in working through their difficulties and finding lasting love. There are still many issues to talk about and many questions to answer for this topic.

The tools I have used and outlined here can be used for any relationship in our lives, most of all the relationship we have with ourselves. This being a new year I'd like to take this relationship off the back burner and bring it front and center. One of the tools we used in looking at romantic relationships was figuring out what we wanted from our partners. Today we are going to figure out what we want in our relationship with ourselves. To do this may take a little digging, and may even require a little self care along the way!

Use a journal or notebook and write down how you want to be treated on a daily basis. We did this when we were writing about the qualities we want in a good partner. Write down what your needs are for sleep, nutrition, exercise, time to yourself, fun, relaxation, spirituality, time with others, sex, creativity, and any other items necessary for your healthy well being.
Many of you have already done some of this on the way to loving yourself first. Now is a good time to really expand this into areas you may not have considered. If you are in a romantic relationship, are there any areas where you have slid backwards in your own self care.
Now under each area you have identified, check off which ones you are doing well at. For me, I have gotten good at getting eight hours of sleep each night, so I would check off that area. Don't forget to give yourself credit for all the progress you have made since you began this work!
Now take another sheet of paper and write down the areas where you need more self care. Under each area list at least three ways you can add self care in this particular area to your daily routine. One way I have added more exercise is too allow an extra half hour every morning to walk with my dog.
Now this is one of the most important steps. Take your time adding these to your routine! Pick only one item from the whole list to add this week. It could be eating breakfast everyday or going to the gym twice a week, or initiating sex once a week, just make sure it is only one thing this week.
Once you have incorporated your self care item into your routine and it feels like a normal part of your week, then and only then add the next item.
Keep doing this until you have the kind of daily self care built into your life that works for you. Don't forget that nobody is perfect and be kind to yourself along the way.

Take care, and take care of yourself,

Marquita

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but I love a new year. Over time I have welcomed New Years Day for many reasons. Sometimes I was so sick of the year that had just passed and so unhappy in my life and relationships, that I couldn't wait for January 1st to come. Sometimes the year was an exciting adventure where I learned a lot, spent time with people I loved, and enjoyed my life. Occasionally the year was just okay, a year where life was mixed, and I was just moving along without a lot of big changes.

This year has been wonderful for me. This is partly due to all of you. Yes, you! I'd like to let you know how grateful I am that there are others out there who struggle with relationships and want to know how to make them better. This tells me that everything I have gone through in my life to got me here today, was worth it. Thank you for that!

One thing I do every year, whether the year sucked, or the year rocked, is take an inventory of what I have accomplished. I feel a large groan from some of you, so I want to emphasize that this is an inventory of accomplishments, not failures. What I'd like you to do is write down at least 10 things that you accomplished this year. If you feel you haven't accomplished a lot this year begin with things like, "I managed to stay alive the whole year." Feel free to be as facetious as you want. Another might be, "I fed my cat every day this year." These are accomplishments. If you start with the small or silly, and keep thinking, I know you can come up with at least 10 things you did.

After I finish this inventory, I set goals for the next year. Now, I am not talking about things like organizing your house or losing weight. What I am talking about are Wildly Improbable Goals or WIGS. If you have read Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck, PhD. you will know what these are. These are your absolute wildest, craziest, most seemingly impossible, dreams for your future. Take the same journal or notebook you wrote your accomplishments in, and write down at least 5 Wildly Improbable Goals for 2008. These can be anything you want. One word of caution about these, BE CAREFUL THEY MIGHT HAPPEN!

The reason I know this, is about a year ago, I jokingly made a WIG about owning a retreat center. Now I didn't think this out, or even really check with myself to see if this was really what I wanted. About a month later, I was directly on the path of buying the place, and I had to really sit down with myself and figure out that I had other goals that were much more authentic for me. So if your WIG is that Prince Charming will show up and you will live happily ever after, make sure you have done your own work, so that you will recognize him when he shows up!

One of my WIGS is that you get what your heart desires in 2008.

Marquita

Dysfunctional Family Bingo

2007-12-24T10:14:00.000-08:00

This week, I think it would be fun to look at family relationships, and learn a unique way to get through the holidays. I come from a dysfunctional family, whom I love and am grateful for today. This wasn't always true. Often before I worked through my relationship issues, I was the one who had several squares on this Bingo game.

The game was designed and suggested by Martha Beck, PhD. When Martha talked about Dysfunctional Family Bingo as a way to get through family gatherings by stepping back from the fray, and being able to laugh at ourselves and our family, I jumped right on board.

If you find that your family gatherings are difficult and there are people you can count on to do the same obnoxious, silly, or even sad things every year, playing this game can help you get through, and be able to laugh at yourself as well. I find it also works great for office Christmas parties, and business meetings. So here are the rules, as written by Martha Beck, for Dysfunctional Family Bingo:

INDICATIONS: For relief of boredom, frustration, cringing, revulsion, childhood regression, and surges of violence due to holiday celebration.

INSTRUCTIONS: Prepare your Bingo card before any gathering you dread attending. Get at least one other player to create his/her own Bingo card to provide competition.

Begin by listing 24 dysfunctional events that are likely to happen at the gathering of your choice (for example, "Mom begs Morris to stop gambling," "Jim gets drunk," "Little Bobby Sue sets a fire," etc.).

Write ONE event into EACH of the blank squares on the Bingo card.

Take your Bingo card to the gathering. When the specified event occurs, mark off the corresponding square on your card.

When you have marked off one entire line of five squares, horizontal, diagonal, or vertical (the middle square is a freebie), sneak away from the dysfunctional gathering, call your competitor(s), and whisper "BINGO" into your cell phone.

DOSAGE: Create and fill out one (1) Bingo card per dysfunctional group interaction.

WARNING: May cause explosive laughter and family discord if discovered by hostile relatives. Do not use in combination with hallucinogens.

KEEP AWAY FROM ADULTS.

Happy Holidays!

Marquita

Change is in the Air!

2007-12-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

How many times have you went into a relationship with the idea that you can change the other person? Or, even better, figured that they would miraculously become the person you wanted them to be without you having to communicate anything at all to them!

Today, I want to talk about what you can and can't change in a relationship. This is actually really simple to do, because there is only one thing you can guarantee to change in a relationship and that is YOU! Not again, you cry, it can't still be about ME. Yes, it can.

However, it is possible to be so clear with your needs and boundaries, that your partner will treat you the way you want, because they realize that nothing else is acceptable. If you are obviously not a person who will put up with lying, cheating, or other bad habits it becomes extremely difficult for a person to do these things when in a relationship with you. This is because when they do these things, you make it clear that the behavior is not acceptable, and either end the relationship then, or make it apparent that another occurence of the behavior will result in the relationshp ending.

There is opportunity for growth in relationships for both people by being totally authentic to who we are. For example, let's say you love to travel and your partner doesn't. This actually was true for me when I first began dating my husband. Since he was not very open to travel, I didn't often push him to go to exotic places with me. What I did was to continue traveling with other friends who enjoyed the same things I do, like river rafting and adventure. Not too long into the relationship, I asked my partner to go to Alaska with me. When he sounded like he couldn't go, I said, "that's okay, I'll go by myself." He actually said to me, "You mean you would go without me?" And I assured him that I would. Amazingly, he was able to get the time off, and went with me. We had a fantastic adventure on an 85 foot fishing boat, hosted by some friends of mine. Since then, we have also had other great adventures, including going to Hawaii.

So, you can change others through your behavior and influence, as long as you are not trying to force them to do things they really don't want to do, and you are not purposely manipulating them. It is no good to pretend you are going to do something to get your partner to change, you have to actually authentically be doing what you love, and often they will follow.

It is particularly difficult to change things that are important values or choices that others have made. For example, you meet someone and decide to have a relationship, but they really want children and you don't. This is not an area where you can expect them to change. I'm not suggesting that people don't change, but with really important issues like whether to have children, expecting that over time someone will change can lead to heartbreak for both parties. When you have strong differences in values or needs, it is important to be honest with your partner, and decide together whether the relationship can work within the boundaries of those differences.

So, it is almost a New Year and I always think about the future and change at this time. I hope that if there are things you personally want to work on this year that you will add a comment or response to a post, and I would love to respond.

Marquita

Mars Vs Venus

2007-12-11T09:55:00.000-08:00

I know, this is a picture of Jupiter, but I like the look of it! The reason for the topic today, is that if you are going to love men, you have to like them for who they are, and understand that they are very different from us. I am sure most of you just read that statement and went "Are you nuts, they are really from Mars, how am I supposed to understand them?" It is true that we probably won't ever totally understand men, any more than they will truly understand us. That isn't what I am hoping to educate you on in this posting. What I am hoping to do is to help you see that by men being wired different than women, we can learn to love and enjoy the differences.

Let me tell you a little about my husband. He is what I call a "hunter-gatherer" to the core. He gets great pleasure out of going fishing, crabbing, clamming, picking wild blackberries, growing tomatoes, anything that will provide food for our table that doesn't have to be bought at a store. Now sometimes the cost of going fishing, etc. can be very expensive. When you consider gas prices for the truck and boat, fishing licenses, bait, equipment, and all the trip entails, a ten pound salmon can cost a lot. This doesn't matter, as the act of fishing and bringing it home and cleaning and cooking it give him so much pleasure, it is worth it to him. And, I am not complaining. I enjoy some of these activities as much as he does, what I lack is the drive to do them every chance I get.

The other thing that really makes my husband happy is (no it's not sex, although that ranks up there too!) is having his "cave". At our house, this looks a lot like a garage. When I get up and start working indoors, my husband heads for the garage. He can spend hours doing all kinds of things out there! I once tried to give advice to a woman who had just bought a new home with her husband and kids, and he wanted to turn the garage into a music studio. I said something like, "sounds good, that way he will have a space of his own." Her reply was, "are you kidding, I don't want him to have a space of his own, I want him in the house helping me with the kids." When I tried to show that men need their "cave", she made it clear that was not going to happen in her house. I'm still worried about that situation today!

Now, don't get me wrong. I have spent a lot of time suggesting you love yourself first, and I have not changed my opinion on that. If you need a room of your own, and space to be who you are, you should definitely have that! What I am suggesting by noting some of the things that men need or find important is that one of the best ways to love someone is to respect and honor and enjoy their choices and needs. I love the things that make my husband a guy. I don't want him to be a man who feels and acts just like me. Think back on the men you know that are happy in their lives and relationships, and think about why they are happy.

The other thing that helps is to be able to acknowledge with each other the differences and even talk and laugh about them. My husband and I both joke about our differences and realize that we are not ever going to think alike about many things. What we don't do is try really hard to change each other, and we work hard at loving what is.

Marquita

I Don't Know if I Even Like Men!

2007-12-03T11:04:00.000-08:00

One question I had to answer when I began being open to relationships again was, "Do I even like men?" Now, I wasn't questioning my sexuality, I knew that I am basically heterosexual in nature. What I was questioning was my belief that decent men existed. How many times have you heard someone say, "There aren't any good men left" or "All the good ones are married", or even "I hate men!" These statements are usually made by women who have been hurt in the past, and feel they are open to relationships, but in reality are not ready yet.

So, how does one learn to like men again when they have been hurt before? In my healing process, there were several practices I used. First, I spent time with men who were safe, and not available for me to date. One of the best people I hung out with during this time was my brother. I certainly was never going to date him, but he was a great person to go places with, play and watch sports with, and enjoy his male energy without the fear of being hurt. He is a wonderful guy, (and by the way single), and he showed me that no matter how much I said "Men are dirt!", that I was definitely not 100% correct.

The next thing I did was join a twelve step group. This group usually had more male participants than women. This was during the time where I was learning to love myself, and I was committed to staying single. What happened was, that as I listened to the honest and heartfelt sharing from the men in the group, I realized that men can hurt, love, care, feel, and grow, just as the women in the group did.

I was also on a co-ed softball team during this time. This was a good place to see men in all their testosterone's glory, and witness men who were able to accept me as part of the team, and witness a few men who did not. I made friends with some of these men, who are still good friends of mine today.

From all of these experiences, I learned that men are not so different than women (Oh, I know they are very different in some ways, but here I am talking about basic human nature, not male-female stuff). Men may express their feelings differently than women, but they do have them. Men also get hurt, struggle to find the right women, and become fearful of opening up to the opposite sex.

I also learned that men can tell if you like men or not. Really nice guys will not usually ask a man hater out. Men could tell that I was not open to them, and consequently I didn't get attention from the type of men I would have wanted to date. Once I got to the place where I no longer feared, disliked, or looked down on men, there were men who were ready and willing to get to know me.

If you have man issues, and you are not able to see men as inherently okay then try these steps:

Find men to hang out with who are safe, these might be family members, people you work with, part of an organization you are a part of, anyone who you can enjoy without any sexual tension.
Join a support group, there is Codependents Anonymous, Al-Anon, or try a local therapy group that is focusing on communication, relationships, etc. It is good to be able to witness men who are willing to express their feelings.
Practice being open to men as decent human beings. When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about men, ask yourself "Is this really true?" Come up with instances where you have met men who are kind, generous, and loving. If you can't find any in your personal life, consider movies you have seen, books you have read, public figures you know that are kind and loving.
If you get really stuck on this issue, work with a coach, a counselor, or someone else who can help you get to the limiting beliefs that are keep you from being open to men.

I hope that this has helped you feel better about men in general. If anyone who reads my blog has other ideas and comments, I would love to hear them.

Marquita

Love Lessons

2007-11-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

I apologize for missing my post last week, I was lost in a stupor of turkey and family and pumpkin pie! I have now returned to share my wisdom (or is that insanity!) with you again.

After writing the last post I realized that it is important to talk about the long and winding road that got me here, and the men I met along the way. What I hope that you take from this posting is that whether a relationship lasts a week or a lifetime, there are things that can be learned from each one. When I take the time to look back on the route that brought me to where I am today, and the man I married in the Little Church of the West Wedding Chapel, I find that each relationship brought with it lessons that got me here.

Some of these people were husbands, and some of them were long term relationships, and I am not going to name them or give incriminating details, those I save for my closest friends!

My first love was an Imago love, I met him and for a long time never wanted anyone else. I was instantly attracted and in love with him. He was smart and crazy. He could be the nicest man in the world and in the next go into insane rages. From him I learned that you cannot stay with someone when you keep imagining them dead. The biggest lesson I learned from him was that violence is never okay in a relationship. I made a decision when we split that I would never be treated with violence again, and I haven't been.

My second love was sweet and funny and sexy. He was not gainfully employed, and after we had been together a while I found out that he had never gotten divorced from his wife. He was a lot of fun for a while, but what I learned from him was that monogamy was important to me. I don't like to share, when it comes to men!

The next man taught me that you can get into your thirties and still have the job you dreamed of having as a youth. He lived life with gusto, and was extremely generous. During this relationship, I took a look at my life and decided that I didn't want to use alcohol or other substances to alter my moods anymore. Unfortunately, he did not want to give up his six pack or his bag of weed, and we parted ways. I learned that I didn't want active addictions in my life any more.

The next man was a mistake! He was another one of those Imago boys! I fell hard and fast, he swept me off my feet, and I thought this was it. Unfortunately, shortly after we merged households, he decided he didn't like where we lived (he picked it out!), he didn't like my daughter, he didn't like my dog, and he didn't like his job. We didn't last long, and in this relationship, I learned to never go for that instant love at first site stuff again. I also learned that emotional abuse is never okay.

My next relationship was the closest I have ever come to a soul mate. I knew this guy through and through. He was Native American, and a Vietnam Vet, and he turned me on just to look at him walk away in his Levis and Cowboy Boots! However, after a couple of years this little gambling addiction he had reared its ugly head. I went to counseling and stuck it out as long as I could, and in the end I learned that sometimes you love someone so much you need to let them go. This lesson was the hardest yet, and led me to staying single long enough to learn to love myself first.

Today, I am married to a man who is there for me in every way. I know that he would not even think about abusing me, emotionally or physically. I know that he wouldn't cheat on me. He is strong, and really funny, and is a wonderful friend. He traveled his own path with women and along the way learned a lot of the same things I did, and I am going to do my best to be as good to him as he is to me for a very long time!

The moral of the story is don't give up, don't stop learning, and don't stop believing that you will find the right love eventually.

Marquita

The Wrong Answer

2007-11-14T12:42:00.000-08:00

What happens if you have invested a lot of time in a relationship you have the discussion, and your partner absolutely does not want the same things you do? This is a difficult question. Usually by the time this happens you have built a strong foundation of love for this person, and it is difficult to believe they do not feel the same way you do, or want the same things in life.

Before getting to this place, I asked you to be really clear on what you want before having the discussion, and to be confident that you will be okay whatever the outcome. But doing that in reality is much harder than in the planning stage. So let's look at a specific scenario, and work on possible ways forward. Suppose you want a committed relationship that is exclusive and leading towards marriage and children. You have the discussion with your partner and he wants to continue dating, and is open to being exclusive for now, but wants to see what the future brings before making a big commitment. You feel really let down by this, but came to the discussion prepared for any options. After more discussion, it becomes clear that this is as far as he will go. Here are some suggestions for working with this, without going straight into "he doesn't love me, or he doesn't want to commit to me" mode.

Give yourself some time to think about and absorb this turn of events. I would suggest taking as long as you need to do this. You can let your partner know that you need some time without making it seem like punishment, by being open and honest about your needs.
Make sure to take inventory of the relationship and notice all the good things, and no matter what the outcome, what you have learned from this partnership.
Talk with friends, an advisor, a coach, others that you trust to listen to your issues and give good feedback if you ask for it.
Decide whether you are able to continue on in the relationship without a commitment for now. Then the next step will logically come from that decision.
If you feel you want to go ahead and see where things go, then let your partner know that you want to continue in the relationship, and that you will let them know if you get to a point where that no longer works for you.
If you feel that you cannot continue without a commitment, then you can discuss that with your partner, and let the relationship go if necessary.
Whatever you do, continue to practice the good self care and loving yourself first that you have learned along the way.

If you stay connected to who you are and that your life is good with or without a partner it is much easier to be okay with any outcome. Continue to be kind and loving to yourself, and to your partner in any circumstance, and the best outcome can occur.

Marquita

Keep Dreaming

2007-11-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

One of the hardest things to do is stay grounded when you have finally achieved your goals. You have spent some time enjoying your relationship, seeing where your path has led you, and are in a relationship that is on track with your essential self.

At this point, there is sometimes a let down, as we have spent all our time planning for this moment, and now that it is here we aren't sure where to go next. This can also happen when the answers we got in our discussion weren't what we were hoping for. You may still be committed to seeing where the relationship goes for the time being, but you are back to the great "not knowing". I actually hate the great "not knowing". This is where you are sure you want to keep moving on, but the future is an absolute mystery. Learning to stay in the now, and enjoy what is happening this moment is difficult for most and particularly for people like me!

One thing that can help is to allow a certain amount of each day for dreaming and future tripping. For me, this is during my morning walk with my dog. I allow myself to build my own castles in the air, and I work hard on visualizing myself living the life I want. To make this a more concrete action, you can allow yourself to dream, and then write down all the details of your ideal future. Include all types of description, including smells, sounds, sights, textures, so that you will have a rich detail of what that future looks like. Better yet, create a collage or picture board of what you want to bring into your life.

Once you have spent you dreaming and scheming time for the day, whether it is fifteen minutes or an hour, then put it away. Come back to where you are right now, and try to be completely present in your relationship, your career, and all other parts of your life. Be sure you don't miss what is happening right now. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens, while you are making other plans." So although planning can help you attract what you want into your life, make sure you live your life too.

Marquita

Take Time to Enjoy!

2007-10-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, so now you have had the discussion, and guess what, he feels the same as you do, or at least he is on his way to feeling as you do. What now? First of all, take some time to enjoy where you are. When you started this whole adventure you were not sure how to love yourself, let alone love someone else. Now, you have gone through a huge transformation. Let's look again at the steps along the way.

You worked on yourself to figure out why you chose the kind of partners that you had in the past.
You really began to look at who you were, and spent some time loving yourself completely.
You made lists of what you wanted in a mate, and you sorted that list into what was really important for you to be in a relationship with someone.
You made yourself as authentic, open, and available as possible.
You let your friends, relatives, and co-workers know that you were single and looking for dating opportunities.
You got out there, and tried dating, and didn't write off the types of men you had in the past, and you had some fun while you were at it.
When you met someone you were interested in, you made sure that they had many of the qualities you were looking for, and if they had a lot of qualities you didn't want, you let them go.
You stayed authentic to who you are throughout all of this, and you allowed some mystery in your romantic life.
You gave it time to let the relationship unfold, rather than forcing it into your time schedule or agenda.
You decided when the time was right to move forward in the relationship, and you allowed your partner into you heart, and let him know where you wanted to go.
You prepared yourself for the outcome of this discussion, by being ready to accept his hopes for the relationship, and know that you would be strong no matter what the outcome.

And now you are ready to more forward and begin the relationship of your life. What next? The next step is called "acting as if", and this step is used to attract and build what you want.

First however, I want you to take this next week to reflect back on how far you have come, and enjoy it all. This is your chance!

Marquita

The Discussion

2007-10-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you but I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I have a feeling I am not the only one! As a result of this I have a hard time bringing up topics with people I care about that might be met with any kind of strong emotional response. In my last post I wrote about talking with your partner. In this post I want to give you an idea of a sample script for this discussion. This script is a good tool to use whenever you are getting ready to talk with anyone about a subject that can be scary or when you are bringing up an emotional or difficult issue.

The first thing to do when you need to talk with your partner, is spend some time really considering what you want out of the discussion. In letting your partner know about your End Game, you should already be fairly clear about what that is for you. The second step in the process is to find a time to talk, and to ask your partner to be a part of the process. This can be difficult, as just about every man I know, wants to run when they hear the words, "I think we need to talk". What I did, was wait until we were alone together in a comfortable place, and I knew we had time to discuss things. Then I said to my partner, "I'd really like to share some ideas with you, is this a good time to talk?" This phrase is a little less likely to provoke flight than the first one. Secondly, if they say that it is not a good time to talk, you can say, "I understand, when would be a good time?" Once you have agreed upon a time, than let the subject go until then.

When presenting something like an end game, I like to start the discussion by letting my partner know how important they are to me, and that my goal is to see our relationship grow over time. You can say something like this, "I want you to know that our relationship is very important to me, and I love you more all the time. I'm really interested in hearing your goals, plans, and hopes for this relationship." Use your own words, not mine, but something to let them know that you aren't wanting to point out where things aren't right, and that you really want to hear what they have to say. Sometimes it is hard to get your partner to talk much about his ideas. A phrase that I found that works is "Tell me more". If you are genuinely interested in what they have to say, they will be more willing to talk.

As I mentioned in a previous post, when I had this discussion with my now husband, he was clear that he wanted us to at least merge households, but the "M" word did not come up. This was where I needed to step out of my comfort zone and be clear about what I wanted. This is much easier when you have spent the time really working on yourself to be sure of your needs. When their idea of the future is different than yours a good way to begin talking is something like, "I too, would really like us to be able to come home to each other every day, but my idea involved a larger committment than moving in together, can we explore that idea?" or "It makes me happy that you want to get married and have kids, I am not sure that is where I am yet, can we discuss interim ideas?" Whatever their response, you will get farther by acknowledging their hopes and dreams, and then suggesting more exploration of the possibilities than just going straight into any "my way or the highway" discussions.

You and your partner may have a clear understanding of where your relationship is heading after that first discussion, and you may not, until much later on. Whatever the outcome, it is important that you keep being open and willing to see what the universe brings. Sometimes, we think we know exactly what we want and by being open and willing to share with someone, we end up with something far different and much better.

Take care,

Marquita

The Way Forward

2007-10-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

Once you are clear on your End Game, it is important to share it with your partner. Again, I am assuming that this is a relationship that has been building for some time, and not brand new. Even if you know before you ever date someone that your long term goal is marriage and children, it is not a good idea to bring this up on the first date!! Or second or even the tenth. Building a relationship takes time and needs to be somewhat free flowing. Otherwise you may find that the relationship becomes derailed by expectations about where it is going.

However, once you have a built a relationship and figured out your End Game, it is good to discuss this with your partner. I know this can feel risky, and is often difficult to bring up. So there is another step before the discussion. This step is being ready for what your partners End Game might be. Sometimes you already have a good idea from talking and getting to know each other what your goals in life are. Still you might want a committed long term relationship and he may want to continue a more open relationship, or maybe just the opposite. One of the things I found helpful was to consider what I would do if my choices for the future were completely different than my partner's. I was clear that when we talked, I wasn't at the point where I wanted to make any sort of ultimatum.

In fact, let's talk for a minute about ultimatums. When I was struggling in a previous relationship a wonderful woman I knew, who had been married for over twenty years told me to never make ultimatums in relationships unless I was absolutely prepared to follow through with the consequences. This was great advice. I told my partner at the time, that I wasn't going to make an ultimatum to him, unless I absolutely was sure I meant it. And considering where the relationship was headed (straight down the toilet!), he knew I was talking about splitting up. He agreed that if and when I came to the decision, he would willingly leave because he knew I meant it. This was a lot better way to do things, then when I would get frustrated and ask him to leave and then give in and take him back later!!

So when I was ready to present my End Game to my partner, I really thought long and hard about what I wanted, and what I would do if his future was compatible with mine, and what I would do if it was not. When I did discuss the future with him, I was clear about what I wanted, and I was also clear that if he wasn't thinking along the same lines, that I would be just fine. I also let him know that I was still wanting to continue our relationship as it was, until such a time as we decided either together or individually that it was no longer working for us. Quiet authority works better than ultimatums anytime!

Next time I will talk about how to script this discussion for those of you who have never done anything like this. It can help to have a clear plan before this big step.

Marquita

The End Game

2007-10-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

Once you have met someone who you are attracted to, and want to have a long term relationship with, it is good to consider what your End Game is. What I mean by this is what are your hopes and goals for the future. Not everyone wants to end up married, or monogamous for that matter. Look at the relationship of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, they have chosen as their End Game to be who they are as individuals and not get married, but to enjoy each other as long as they want.

For me, the End Game I wanted was marriage. I wanted the security, monogamy, and commitment of matrimony. When I started getting to this point in my relationship, I wanted to be clear of what I wanted. My past history had shown me that if I wasn't clear, I might not get anything near what I wanted. (I also want to say that I had been married in the past, but to people who were definitely did not have what I wanted in a relationship, so once I found someone with the right qualities, I knew I would do whatever I could to make it work.)

I had been in a couple of long term (if you consider four or five years long) relationships prior to meeting my husband. In both of these relationships, I had gone into them without considering the End Game. I dated for a period of time, then we moved in together, and then after around four years we split up. One of the things I found was that it was easy for us to split up when we weren't married, and that marriage was hard to commit to when you had every thing but the marriage certificate already.

When I started looking at the End Game this time, I knew that I did not want to live with my partner without the commitment of marriage. I did not want to break up with him, if he wasn't ready for that commitment yet, but we would need to keep our home lives separate, and keep dating, until we either decided to make that commitment, or decided to move on. When we had been dating for a couple of years, and skirted the issue of where the relationship was going a few times, I decided it was time to let my partner know what my hopes for the future were. Now, I know that many women feel that this is up to the man to do, but many men and especially nice guys often need the subject broached for them.

So I asked him is we could talk about our future, and he brought up the need for us to live in the same place. At that point, as difficult as it was I let him know where I stood. I let him know I loved him and wanted to be with him, but did not want to live with him without the commitment of marriage. Thankfully, my partner was happy that I wanted that kind of commitment, and we got engaged about four months later.

So your assignment this week is to consider your End Game. Is marriage what you want, or would you prefer something more free flowing? Do you see yourselves living in the same house or staying in separate residences? Are there children in your future, or are you happier with your Labrador retriever? What does your relationship look like in five years, ten years, twenty years? Begin taking a few minutes a day to visualize the possibilities until you have an idea of where you want to go, and next time we will talk about making it happen.

Marquita

On Vacation!!

2007-09-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

Hi All, I am going on vacation this week so I won't be doing a formal post. However, I am looking at a challenge on vacation. We are going to spend a week in Oregon and California with my husband's family.

This is somewhat scary for me, as I haven't met some of the relatives we are staying with. I am going to need to use all my own coaching tools this week to make sure I stay authentic, and true to who I am. So I hope you all have a great week, I know I will too, just a little pre-vacation nerves. I will write when I return!! Marquita

A Word About Mystery!

2007-09-24T12:59:00.000-07:00

What's the next stop the road to having a fantastic relationship? If you've met someone, you are having a good time, and you are doing well at being authentic and setting boundaries, then the next step is be a little mysterious. Again, I want you to be authentic, don't be someone you are not, but I find that to hold a person's attention, it is a good idea not to give all of yourself right up front. Men in particular really like to be the pursuer in a relationship. What I am suggesting is let them!

I know that if you have waited a long time getting ready to be in a relationship, and especially if that biological clock is ticking, it is hard to go slow. Many of you want to have him hog tied, and on the road to marriage and babies withing a short period of time. I think you'll have a better chance of this happening, if you don't lay all your cards on the table. Remember my earlier post about desperation, this may be a good time to reread it, if you are feeling the urge to push the relationship too fast.

I found that if I wasn't always available, and had plenty of interests and pleasures in my life, that I had a certain mystery about me. My future husband kept coming back time after time, because I let him pursue me for quite a while. As we got to know each other more, I slowly let him into other parts of my life. What I tried to do for myself throughout the first year we dated, was to really enjoy myself and be authentic when we were together, and to not be invested in the outcome. By that I mean not concentrating too hard on whether we would end up together for the long haul.

By doing this, I allowed our relationship to unfold in a way that made me feel safe, to trust him, and to really be open and ready for a long term commitment. By not being fully available to him, whether it was about dating or about sex (which by the way can be really hot, if you keep it mysterious for a while), or about getting too involved in each others families, I allowed myself to have the security I needed. By the time I was ready to tell him I loved him, and move into a much more serious phase of our relationship, we had built up a good friendship, as well as a relationship. This may not have happened, or we might have not even stayed together, if I had jumped in with both feet from the beginning.

So my suggestion this week is to allow yourself a little time and mystery in your relationship.

Marquita

Boundaries, Did She Say Boundaries?

2007-09-19T13:55:00.000-07:00

I just read over my last post, and I was wondering if the word boundaries struck a chord with anyone? I know that most of you have worked hard to love yourself first, and in doing that have set some good boundaries along the way. Sometimes when we are faced with a new relationship, it becomes a whole new ball game where boundaries are concerned.

One coaching trick that I find works well for setting boundaries is the Body Compass, designed by Martha Beck, PhD. Our bodies are great predictors of what is right for us. They can also be used as an easy lie detector, but that is another story. To use the Body Compass takes some practice. To get skilled at using it, try to do it often.

First, picture an event in your past that has been painful for you. Close your eyes and focus on this event. Then check out your body and see what you feel. Is there tightness anywhere. Are you feeling tired, or sore in any part of your body? Do you feel like you can't breathe or can't talk? Notice whatever you are feeling in your body, and what it feels like for you.
Now picture an event from the past that was very happy for you. Again close your eyes, and remember everything that happened. How is you body feeling now? Does it have more energy, feel lighter, and freer? Notice whatever your body is feeling when you remember this happy event.
Once you get used to knowing the difference between how your body feels when you are happy and when you are unhappy, you can use the Body Compass in any situation.
When you are faced with a situation that is uncomfortable, and you are not sure whether you should set a boundary, or what that boundary should be, you can use this exercise. First don't make any quick decisions. Let your partner know that you need time to think about what you need to do.
When you are alone and have had some time apart, check in with your body about the choices before you. Your body will ALWAYS feel more energetic, and freer when you are making a choice that is right for you.

Our happiest times are usually when we are being our most authentic self. Our unhappiest times are often when we are trying to fit the mold that someone else has designed for us. You can learn to be authentic and to have a relationship that is loving and right for you.

Marquita

Oh My God! I Met Someone!

2007-09-10T13:19:00.001-07:00

Okay, so let's say you meet someone, and you are interested in seeing where it will go. What now? First of all you need to really be clear on what you want. Is this person someone who is relationship material? Remember that list you made of the qualities you wanted? Take a look at it, and see if they have what you are looking for. If they have some but not all of the qualities, it might be worth dating them a few times to see where it might lead. If they obviously have qualities that you don't want, and few of the qualities you do want, don't continue seeing them. I can hear you going, "What? I spent all this time looking and now I find someone who I'm attracted to, and you say I should let them go?" Yes, I am saying you should let them go, unless you are capable of having a completely fun, expectation free, relationship with them. Because if you give up what you really want in a relationship to pursue someone who is not right for you, you will end up back here reading my first blog again. Save yourself the heartbreak!

If the person you have met has many of the qualities you want in a relationship, then move ahead and date them. Remember in my post about Internet dating when I talked about setting the tone for your date. Well I want you to continue doing that. Let me explain in a few short sentences what I mean by setting the tone.

Take things at a speed that works for you. If you want to go out for coffee, and he wants to take you away for the weekend, go out for coffee. Someone who really likes you will respect your boundaries in dating. If they don't, they may not be right for you.
Be open to new possibilities however. Say he wants to take you to the opera, and you would rather go to a Nascar race. Be open to the opera, and suggest a race another time.
Take intimacy slowly. I know, again you are going to think I am a prude. I happened to come of age in the 70s, and was a part of that whole do your own thing generation, and have never been pegged as a prude in my life. But what I found is that if I respect myself and take intimacy at a pace that works for me, when we do become intimate, it is much more satisfying.
If a person treats you in anyway that is not acceptable to you, you need to let them know that their behavior is not acceptable. If a person is really interested in you, they will be willing to listen, and they will respect your boundaries. If they do not, then let them go.

Alright that is enough to think about for now. I know that these are hard steps to take, so let me sum it up in a few words. Check in with yourself on a regular basis to see how you are feeling, and let the relationship unfold in a way that feels good to you.

Marquita

The Return of the Inner Lizard

2007-08-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

Once you begin meeting men and entering the dating scene again, you may find that your Inner Lizard rears it's head again!! What I mean by this, is that even though you have worked on your issues and worked hard to love yourself, your reptilian brain still has a picture of who it thinks you should be dating.

For me this tended to be short, dark, and somewhat stocky men, often with an exotic and adventuresome bent. I had my list of what I wanted in a relationship, and I thought I was open to new ideas, and to a new kind of man. When I met my husband, he was all wrong for my Inner Lizard. He is tall, has light brown hair, blue eyes, and is pretty average on the adventure scale. Lucky for me, he had a great sense of humor and made me laugh on our first date, or me and my lizard might have written him off. He also met a lot of the qualifications I was looking for on my list, so even though I had a hard time believing this incredibly nice guy could be right for me, I gave it a chance.

This may not seem that hard to some of you who have always met and dated nice guys, but I found it very difficult. I wanted more adventure. I thought I would be bored stiff if I stayed with him. Over the first year we dated, I thought about ending it any number of times but I didn't. Here's why. First, I never told him about my misgivings, and he just kept coming back, showing up, being accountable and reliable, and all those things I knew I wanted, but found confusing. And second, even though he didn't look my type physically, when he kissed me for the first time, it definitely left me wanting more. Even though my brain didn't know it, my body knew the chemistry was there.

The point is, that after you have done all that hard work figuring out who you are, and what you want in a relationship, don't let your Inner Lizard mess it up. Be willing to date men that are totally different than you are used to. Remember that the other ones didn't work so well, or you wouldn't be reading this. Nice guys are not always as forward as the men you have dated in the past, they may not immediately make your knees go weak, but given a chance they can be everything you need.

Marquita

The Web of Love

2007-08-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

Last post I talked about meeting my husband on the Internet. Considering my earlier statements about the Internet not being a good dating ground I am a little embarrassed. But you have to realize it was an accident!!

To begin with, I originally saw the Internet as being a fun place to meet men. I could have some very interesting and exciting discussions with people, and not have to follow through unless I felt like it. I joined a couple of online dating sites and checked out men in my area. I talked to a few, but they seemed to want to jump too fast into intimate details about me and my life. I was cautious, as I still believe everyone should be about opening up about personal details. When I did meet someone, who lived in my small rural area, we talked for quite a while getting to know each other. I found this very exciting (actually I now realize my inner Cinderella was still fantasizing about happily ever after!), and enjoyed the ability to get to know someone without the physical constraints of actually meeting. It was apparent from the way he wrote back that he was feeling the same way. This went on for several months, and then we decided to meet. We met and frankly our meeting was a big dud. All those expectations we had built up by talking so long fell flat when we actually met in person and had no chemistry whatsoever.

In talking with a good friend who had a much longer history of Internet dating, she told me that she had met over a hundred men and was still looking for mister right. I don't know about you, but I didn't want to go through that torture at all. Five years later, this same woman is getting ready to go to Morocco to meet a man she has been talking with for two years. Then one of the women I worked with met someone on the net, promptly left her husband, and had the guy move in with her on the night that they actually met in person!! I decided after a few more months of lackluster discussions that the Internet wasn't for me. I would wait until I met someone in person and we could judge all areas of chemistry, and I stopped looking on the net.

What happened was that I met a guy in person who I thought was really interesting, and we started the getting to know each other. Then one day I got an email from one of the old match sites, that said someone had written to me. I checked it out and the guy said that he thought we had a lot in common. I looked over the profile, and not only did he live close to me, but he liked to play golf and do outdoorsy things. We began talking by email, and so I had two men that I was interested in at the same time.

As I was getting to know my Internet fellow, I decided to follow certain rules in Internet dating. For any of you who are currently using the Internet or want to start, I would suggest the following:

Be honest about who you are on your profile, and provide a good picture of how you look on an everyday basis, not one of those mall fashion shoot pictures. People who are attracted to the real you, will be more suited to you.
Don't give away any personal information, such as full name (I used a pseudonym to start), address, telephone number, or work place, until you are sure that you would want to actually date the other person. I would suggest a first name, and a phone number after you are interested, and are considering meeting. I wouldn't give out your address or work place until after you have met, and feel safe.
If you are interested, and he is writing regularly, consider meeting. I found that I couldn't really gage chemistry or what a person was truly like without meeting them. If you wait too long it is easy to build up an unrealistic attachment, on your part or his, and you will be disappointed.
Meet only in a public place for coffee or a light meal such as lunch. Make him come to you, and to a place you are familiar with. Never go to another town, state, country, planet, etc. to meet someone. If they are into you, they will meet you on your turf. Drive your own car and meet them at the restaurant. You set the tone of how you want the date to go. If at any time you feel uncomfortable, excuse yourself and leave. A good trick is to have a friend call you about half way through the meal at a predetermined time, and you can use them to excuse yourself if you have to.
Again keep the meeting on your terms. Whether or not you shake hands or hug or don't touch at all is up to you. When lunch is over if you had a great time suggest another meeting in a public place. I know some of you are going, "Wow, this woman is such a prude!" Believe me, I'm not. If you learn early in a dating relationship of any kind to set good clear boundaries for yourself, the relationship has a better chance of progressing.

But that is another post down the road. I'll talk to you next time.

Marquita

Available, Authentic, and Open

2007-08-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

Now that you are ready to get out there, what next? Most of us, myself included still bought into the Cinderella idea that somehow the universe would provide me with the right mate. Unfortunately, the universe is often busy with other things, and might forget to look my way. The next step to finding someone is being truly open, authentic, and available. This is harder than it seems. Most of us have spent a long time building lives that we are proud of, and we work hard to maintain them. This can mean long work days, many projects and activities in our time off, and not a lot of time left for relationship hunting.

When I first entered the dating field again, I thought I was totally ready and available. However, I had a busy job, was getting my Master's degree, had several busy pass times, as well as a family I was close to. This didn't leave a lot of time and energy for relationships, or even dating for that matter. My life was great, and very full, but I still wanted more. So what I did was get a little help from my friends. You know how your friends are always wanting to set you up with their crazy brother Randolph, or their favorite cousin Duke? Well in the past, I shied away from set ups, I didn't do blind dates, and I thought the Internet was for losers.

Well, I was wrong. When you have limited time, and don't necessarily want to look in bars, friends and relatives are a good place to begin. Let them know that you are ready to join the dating scene, and see if they have any single friends that might work for you. I still don't like blind dates, but small parties and get togethers with friends is a great place to meet other single people. I met and dated a couple of people this way, and although we didn't hook up, it was a place to start.

Another area that is often overlooked is social clubs, or sports clubs, classes etc. I would suggest if you have a hobby or sport you love, that you look around and see if there are any regular clubs, or sports teams to check out. I played softball, so in my not so spare time, I joined a co-ed softball league. It was allot of fun and I met some great people. If you've always wanted to learn to ballroom dance, there are many local places to learn, and you don't usually need a partner. One of my best friends has been married for 10 years to the man she met and partnered with, while she was learning to swing dance.

I am wondering if some of you at this point are going, "I don't want to do any of those things." I would ask myself, am I truly ready and available for a relationship? When I first started this process I thought I was a lot more ready than I was. The reality was that I was still not completely open to a relationship. This was due to a fear of opening myself up to being hurt again. What I would suggest is to go back and read the last post. Don't do more than you are ready for. Be open to the idea of dating, and see what happens. Along the way you may meet someone who is safe enough to open up with. One trick I used was to practice openness, by asking the universe (or any higher power you believe in) to put someone in front of me if that was their plan. Otherwise, I would go about my business enjoying life, until the universe did just that. And it did, via the Internet, which we will get to in my next post.

If you keep trying, and keep finding you are not ready, then you may need to go back a few steps, and work more on loving yourself, and making sure you know what you want in a relationship.

Until next time,

Marquita

Ready, Set, Dream

2007-08-04T20:23:00.001-07:00

Are you ready? Have you spent the time to get to really know you? Good!! We are ready for the next step, which is figuring out what you want in a relationship. When I was getting set to go out and explore dating again, a friend of mine gave me the book, "If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?" by Susan Page. I found this to be a great book because it posed some questions that I had never considered before. Questions like, what do I want, need, and hope for in a relationship? What qualities are important in the partners I choose, and which ones are deal breakers? Ms Page suggested writing a list, and checking it over and over again.

Now this may seem really simple to a lot of you, but at the time it was new territory for me. I began writing down what I thought was important in a relationship. I knew that I wanted someone who was funny, dependable, and who had many of the same basic values that I had. I wrote and edited this list, and ended up with several columns. I found that I had a column for things I hoped for in a partner, that would be great to have, but not an absolute must. I had a column for characteristics that were extremely important and necessary for a long term partnership. The most important column was for the things I was no longer willing to accept in a relationship. I didn't want addiction, unavailability, current court dates, no job, and my favorite, needing fixing in some way.

The second point that Susan Page made that I found valuable was that not every one I dated needed to be a future marriage candidate. She suggested that some men were acceptable as dating material, but not relationship material, and that some who were boyfriend material, were not necessarily marriage material. What a concept!! I could go out on a date with someone for fun, and not worry about whether it was going anywhere. I could have a boyfriend without having it become a long term relationship. I really began to open up to dating as an art form. I let people know, friends, family, etc. that I was available, and I began dating men who I hadn't considered before. And the best part of all of this was that I was so comfortable with myself and my life that I had fun, did not jump into any relationships, and really enjoyed meeting new guys. The other great thing is when you feel good about yourself, and are open to dating, the men just seem to appear. They can tell you are not desperate, or heartbroken, or angry at men in general, and they love women who know what they want.

So the next step is to begin that list. Ask yourself these questions:

What are the qualities I would want in a long term partnership?

What are the things I would like to have, but that are not absolutely necessary?

What are the things that I don't want in a relationship?

What are the absolute deal breakers, the things I never want to have in a relationship?

And then begin to do a little dreaming everyday about what that relationship and that partner would look like. Keep picturing it, until you have a clear idea of what is important to you, and then start making the dream happen in your life.

Marquita

Timing and Desperation

2007-07-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

I know a lot of you are going, "Oh, my God, what does she think, I can wait for ever to be out there finding the right person". I understand that there is a lot of press given to how difficult it is too find a relationship as we get older, and biological clocks do tick, whether we like it or not.

What I know is that you can do the work now, and be ready in time to find and love a nice guy. Or, you can not do the work, and still be one, two, or ten years older and still making the same mistakes and be alone. When I used to worry about this, I had a good friend who loved to tell the story of her Aunt Irene who went to Hawaii at the age of 80, met a man on the plane, fell in love, and they lived happily with the time they had. Now I am not suggesting that you have to wait till your are 80!!! But the fact is, there is no deadline for love, there is no point where we run out of time to have the life we want, and the universe is out there for those who are willing to find it.

Now let's talk desperation. Have you read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You", by Greg Behrendt. I think Greg is right on about many things. He talks about men being able to sense desperation, and then they run from it like the plague. I can't count the women who I have met, who believe there is a timetable, and they have to be married and have children by a certain point in their lives, or they have failed miserably. Don't get me wrong, it is perfectly okay to want marriage and family. But when our time frame is getting short, and we are desperately trying to find and marry, and mate with a person on our agenda, men do sense it, and they do run like crazy.

Desperation is a turn off. I didn't like it when I met men with similar agendas. I believe if we take the time to get clear on what we want in our lives, build the life we want as a single person first, we can then attract into our lives the kind of people who are right for us. The one thing we can't control is the timetable. To find the relationship that works for you, you have to feel like you are a whole person, who would have a good life, with or with out a partner.

Timing is not everything. Being authentic to you is. Be willing to give yourself the gift of time.

Marquita

How do I love myself first?

2007-07-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

This is the question that bothered me the most while I was trying to be a whole human being. There was part of me that figured I deserved to be loved and taken care of by somebody else. I grew up in the 60's and 70's and still had a fairy tale belief in some wonderful person coming along, and loving me without reservations. I dreamed of a Cinderella story with a happy ever after in my future. What never occurred to me was that to find my prince charming, I needed to know what I wanted in my life, and be grounded in the reality that I was a whole person first.

This required me to know how to take care of myself in a healthy way in all areas of my life!! This was something that I had never done. I had always been in a relationship or trying to find a relationship, or in the middle of leaving a relationship. Looking back now, I can't believe how long I held on to the myth of "If I just meet the right person, it will work out". It never dawned on me that the right person was me.

I have to tell you, that I didn't choose to be alone, so that I could love myself, and become the person I am today. What happened was I had been deeply in love with someone who I believed was the one for me. Unfortunately, after a couple years, this one small flaw in his character appeared, and a latent gambling addiction became completely out of control, and soon both he and I were all wrapped up in trying to control his addiction. This led me to counseling, where I learned to let go of the addiction, and eventually the relationship. I was so devastated after this relationship, that for the first time in my life, I could not conceive of wanting to be in another one. I decided I was terminally in love with someone I couldn't be with, and decided I would probably spend my life that way.

Dramatic, huh? Well at the time it felt that way. But what happened was that I spent the next two years, getting to really know me, without the presence of a relationship. What I found was that being alone was wonderful!!! I would come home and my house was clean, I could eat the food I liked, there was no fight over the remote, and I could go out dancing, or to the movies, or to retreats, and never worry about what some man wanted or needed. I also learned a few great tips for making myself feel better when I was lonely or needed support.

1. I learned to develop some wonderful non-romantic relationships with others. I have a group of friends today that regularly goes to self care retreats, and has great adventures together.

2. I learned that I loved to hike, golf, whitewater raft, travel, dance, and that all of these did not require a man in my life.

3. Whenever I felt low, I would buy myself a low cost bunch of flowers at the grocery store, light a candle, and read, or make myself something delicious to eat, and pamper myself for the evening.

4. I learned that even as an adult, it is okay to have a Teddy Bear, and to snuggle up with it when I was lonely.

5. I learned that sex was too intimate for me personally to have with someone casually, and found I could truly love myself first!!

6. I learned who I was, by trying anything that truly felt authentic to who I was.

7. I learned that having gratitude in my life, for all I have been given, helps be to want what I have right now. Writing a daily gratitude journal, a suggestion I heard from Oprah, got me started, and keeps me grateful today.

Each person is different. So what will work for you will be unique to your essential self. My suggestion is that you spend enough time learning about yourself, and learning to really love your life and who you are, that it continues when you are ready to dive into a relationship.

Until next time,

Marquita

Broken Pickers

2007-07-13T17:06:00.000-07:00

So, what is the first step to finding not only the right person, but having a relationship that lasts?

Well, for me, it was dealing with my "broken picker"! Most of you are wondering if I am talking about harvesting fruit or finding men. I am talking about the men I picked. I think it was in a support group meeting where I first heard the term "broken picker", and someone was telling me that I had one. I thought they were nuts!! I knew that I went into every relationship expecting the best, and thought each one would work out. The person clarified the fact for me, that I was the person who picked, not necessarily in correct order, men who were unavailable, who were not going to commit, who were not always faithful, sometimes had addictions, and rarely had jobs that would support themselves, let alone a family. Subsequently the determination, that my picker was broken.

Now, up until this point in my life, my belief was that the problem lay with the men, and that somehow I had nothing to do with these relationships not working out. What a shock to find that it was about me after all. And why, you ask, did I pick people who were destined to break my heart, leave, or more commonly drive me to leave them? Well, a lot of it was because of a guy, Martha Beck, PhD, the well known life coach, (and my personal Coach Trainer) would call, my Inner Lizard. All of us have a part of our brain that goes back to the days when we were still crawling around in the primordial soup, and today scientists still call it our Reptilian Brain.

This is the part of the brain that tells us when to run if we are in danger, or stand and fight if running isn't an option. It is also the part of our brain that learns to recognize certain people, who we feel a strong emotional response to. This often begins with our parents or other caregivers who raised us. When I've had a strong emotional response to people in the past, I often thought it was charisma or intense attraction, what I didn't realize was that my Inner Lizard was responding to them, and not necessarily in a good way. It took me a lot of work with counseling and coaching to realize, that I was intensely attracted to men, who my Inner Lizard recognized as having some of the traits of my father (eeeuuuu!), and that my brain wanted somehow to heal our relationship through my relationships with men.

Now not everyone out there has a broken picker. And some people have them in varying degrees. What my picker did, was lead me to believe that I was intensely attracted to the wrong men, and that I wasn't that attracted to the right men. I did meet some very wonderful men along the way, but I would usually not stick around. So having a broken picker was a problem, but it didn't stop me from meeting decent people. Once I recognized this fact, I could learn to fix the problem.

So the first assignment along the path of finding and loving a nice guy, is learning to make peace with your Inner Lizard. This is accomplished first through committing to being single, while you work on your relationship issues. Now, don't run, it sounds really difficult, but the first key to having a keeping a relationship with a whole, healthy, human being is being one yourself. So, ask yourself a few questions:

1. Do I have a lot of turmoil in my relationships, whether they are with family, friends, co-workers, or romantic in nature?

2. Am I still working through childhood issues with my parents?

3. Am I often angry, tearful, moody, or depressed?

4. Do I use any substance to the extreme?

5. Am I truly available to be in relationships, or am I still in one that isn't working, grieving one that has recently broken up, in the middle of a divorce or separation, still in love with someone from the past?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, the first step is to work with a life coach, a counselor, or other program to deal with these specific issues. Martha Beck says, "you've got to live it, to give it". That means that to be in a relationship with a healthy person, you need to be a healthy person. For myself, I spent a couple of years working on building the life I wanted, and learning to be great alone, before I was ready to love a nice guy.

I would be happy to work with you to do the same. This may take some time, but not as much time as it will take if you do nothing. So start today, with me or someone else, because he is out there waiting, and wondering when he will find a nice girl.

Marquita

In The Beginning

2007-07-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I spent a lot of my life involved with the wrong men, and wondering if I would ever find Mr. Right. I would meet men, and if I found them attractive, and they were interested, I would date them. Sometimes this would evolve into a relationship that would last a while. But what would happen, was that inevitably I would get tired of the behavior of my partner, or get tired of waiting for a commitment that wouldn't come, and I would leave.

What was constant about these relationships was that I would pick men that I found exciting, adventurous, and often a little on the wild side. They were a lot of fun, but not often that dependable. They would sometimes be self supporting through their own contributions, but not always. In every instance, I found myself trying to make something secure and lasting with someone who wasn't really into secure and lasting!

When I would meet someone who I considered a "Nice" guy, I usually found them boring, and wouldn't stick around. Fast forward to the present, and I can tell you that I am married to a really "Nice" guy, who is funny, hard working, dependable, and we are really happy.

Most of you are probably going, "now wait a minute, how did you get to him, considering your track record." I can understand your doubt. What happened in between was a lot of looking inward, a lot of finding out who I was, and what I really wanted, and then figuring out how to get it. I am willing to share my expertise and help others find the man of their dreams, but it will probably take more than this blog. I will share parts of what I did here, and I will be happy to answer specific questions that are put forward.

I am a life coach with a program that works to help people find love. And by people, I am focusing on women, because that is who I am. I am glad to help men also, but feel more capable on the female side of things. Check out my website: http://www.stellarcoachingsolutions.com/ for the info on my coaching services. Stay tuned to this blog for the the next post which will include the first step towards getting the relationship you want!!

Marquita