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Are you ready? Have you spent the time to get to really know you? Good!! We are ready for the next step, which is figuring out what you want in a relationship. When I was getting set to go out and explore dating again, a friend of mine gave me the book, "If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?" by Susan Page. I found this to be a great book because it posed some questions that I had never considered before. Questions like, what do I want, need, and hope for in a relationship? What qualities are important in the partners I choose, and which ones are deal breakers? Ms Page suggested writing a list, and checking it over and over again.
Now this may seem really simple to a lot of you, but at the time it was new territory for me. I began writing down what I thought was important in a relationship. I knew that I wanted someone who was funny, dependable, and who had many of the same basic values that I had. I wrote and edited this list, and ended up with several columns. I found that I had a column for things I hoped for in a partner, that would be great to have, but not an absolute must. I had a column for characteristics that were extremely important and necessary for a long term partnership. The most important column was for the things I was no longer willing to accept in a relationship. I didn't want addiction, unavailability, current court dates, no job, and my favorite, needing fixing in some way.
The second point that Susan Page made that I found valuable was that not every one I dated needed to be a future marriage candidate. She suggested that some men were acceptable as dating material, but not relationship material, and that some who were boyfriend material, were not necessarily marriage material. What a concept!! I could go out on a date with someone for fun, and not worry about whether it was going anywhere. I could have a boyfriend without having it become a long term relationship. I really began to open up to dating as an art form. I let people know, friends, family, etc. that I was available, and I began dating men who I hadn't considered before. And the best part of all of this was that I was so comfortable with myself and my life that I had fun, did not jump into any relationships, and really enjoyed meeting new guys. The other great thing is when you feel good about yourself, and are open to dating, the men just seem to appear. They can tell you are not desperate, or heartbroken, or angry at men in general, and they love women who know what they want.
So the next step is to begin that list. Ask yourself these questions:
Now this may seem really simple to a lot of you, but at the time it was new territory for me. I began writing down what I thought was important in a relationship. I knew that I wanted someone who was funny, dependable, and who had many of the same basic values that I had. I wrote and edited this list, and ended up with several columns. I found that I had a column for things I hoped for in a partner, that would be great to have, but not an absolute must. I had a column for characteristics that were extremely important and necessary for a long term partnership. The most important column was for the things I was no longer willing to accept in a relationship. I didn't want addiction, unavailability, current court dates, no job, and my favorite, needing fixing in some way.
The second point that Susan Page made that I found valuable was that not every one I dated needed to be a future marriage candidate. She suggested that some men were acceptable as dating material, but not relationship material, and that some who were boyfriend material, were not necessarily marriage material. What a concept!! I could go out on a date with someone for fun, and not worry about whether it was going anywhere. I could have a boyfriend without having it become a long term relationship. I really began to open up to dating as an art form. I let people know, friends, family, etc. that I was available, and I began dating men who I hadn't considered before. And the best part of all of this was that I was so comfortable with myself and my life that I had fun, did not jump into any relationships, and really enjoyed meeting new guys. The other great thing is when you feel good about yourself, and are open to dating, the men just seem to appear. They can tell you are not desperate, or heartbroken, or angry at men in general, and they love women who know what they want.
So the next step is to begin that list. Ask yourself these questions:
- What are the qualities I would want in a long term partnership?
- What are the things I would like to have, but that are not absolutely necessary?
- What are the things that I don't want in a relationship?
- What are the absolute deal breakers, the things I never want to have in a relationship?
And then begin to do a little dreaming everyday about what that relationship and that partner would look like. Keep picturing it, until you have a clear idea of what is important to you, and then start making the dream happen in your life.
Marquita
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