Happy New Year!

Ah, a new year, a new vista to look out into and wonder, what will I do this year? Will I write more? Will I play more? Will I love more? These are all good questions to ponder as this year fades into twilight and 2009 gets ready to be born.


I can take or leave the holidays, but there is something about a new year that reminds me of clean slates, missions accomplished, and lessons learned. One of my fellow Master Coaches Michele Woodward recently wrote an article suggesting that we write down twenty five things that we accomplished this year, and better yet that we write down twenty five things that we will accomplish in 2009. There is something magical about putting wishes and dreams into voice or the written word. They are much more likely to come true that way. You can probably tell that I am a dreamer, an optimist, a believer in the power of our energy and thoughts. This is a gift that my mother instilled in me from an early age.


My husband is a bit different. He lives more in the present. He looks for the obvious and believes what he can see. This morning at breakfast, I brought up the idea of coming up with a few things to accomplish in the next year. His response was, "I want to get a job." He has been laid off for a couple of months, so this is understandable. Being who I am, I said, "How about a job that you love, that pays well, and is close to home." My practical husband replied, "Those would all be great, but I think I will just start with a job."


So here is where the relationships skills come in. I said nothing. Yeah, can you believe it, nothing! I am a life coach to the core, and I was itching to jump in and work with him to change his thoughts and help him see that he really can go for the best, not just the average. But I didn't. Because I know that he is who he is, and he will get a job and he will be happy. My job as his wife is to support him and love him and encourage him to follow his dreams, not mine.


My hope is that I will do this more in 2009. What do you want to see in your life next year? Write it down, tell it to someone, or keep it tucked inside your heart. Best of all do what works for you.


Love,


Marquita

Juicy Stories I Have Written

I know that some of you may wonder where in the hell I have been the last month, and at times, I was wondering the same thing! Life for me is a series of learning and changing and growing. I keep challenging myself to learn and do, and to be willing to keep trying new things.

In the past I was more likely to want everything in my life to settle into a nice happy place with a loving partner and everyone would live happily ever after. I know you have heard that one before! But since I have become a Life Coach and began working on myself, and challenging my thoughts and beliefs, I seem to have opened up a huge well of creativity that continues to want to create more.

In the month of November I did something that I had never considered before. I joined the ranks of writers who take part every year at this time in the National Novel Writing Month. The idea was to write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days. I had been wanting to write more, and thought what's the worst that could happen, and so I dived in.

I hadn't thought much about writing a novel before I started on November 1st. Most of my writing has been non-fiction, either self-help or biography. When I began writing, my thoughts of course went to relationships and self-esteem. So, I began writing a trashy, adventure, romance novel. I must tell you that I enjoyed this immensely!! This type of writing allowed me to get in the heads of my characters and try to figure out what they would say or do next. I completed the 50,000 words at about 4pm on November 30th, and have been recovering ever since.

This is what I learned from this experience:

• If I decide to do something, anything is possible.
• That challenging myself to stretch further in relationships and creativity helps build my self esteem.
• That writing sexually charged dialogue and scenes can be good for a marriage!
• That I love to write in any form, and that more of these types of challenges are in my future.
• That challenging you the reader to stretch yourself, feels like the right thing to do at this moment.

What are you not doing that you wish you could? Do you have a dream or idea that you are putting off doing?

My challenge to you is find a way to take that first step today!! You will not regret it!

Marquita

Honoring You!

Today I have been thinking about honoring, as it is Veteran's Day. Whatever your thoughts on war, we can still honor those who made the choice (or someone else made it for them) to serve as soldiers and fight for this country. So, if you are a veteran or soldier, I honor you today.


This got me thinking about how often we honor ourselves and the relationships in our lives. When you reach a goal or do something important to you and your self confidence, do you honor that? When you see others you love make a difference in the world, do you honor them? When you see a country decide that it was time to stand up for itself, do you honor it?


Today, I'd like you to sit for a few minutes and consider the people, institutions, relationships, co-workers, loved ones that you would like to honor. Then ask yourself, what can you do today to give that small show of love and respect that will lift them up and help them continue?


Here is my honor roll today:

• I want to honor veterans and soldiers, present and past, who fought for this or any other country.


• I'd like to honor my daughter for making a choice to not work in a situation that makes her feel icky.


• I'd like to honor my husband for being able to laugh at himself in any situation!


• I'd like to honor my two and a half year old grandson who refuses to let anyone help him with absolutely anything these days. He will do it himself, thank you.


• Just as importantly, I want to honor myself for learning to stand up, to be willing to shine, and to help others learn to do the same.

Who do you want to honor today?

Marquita

Stand Up and Vote

In all the discussion we have been having about self esteem and standing up for yourself, I have to mention the ultimate in walking your talk, and that is by VOTING!

This election year more than any other has reminded me that what I believe counts. How my country behaves in the world and supports its people, is my business. If I want things to be different than I have to be willing to stand up and say YES or NO to what I feel is right.

Whether you are a life long voter or new to the process, I guarantee that you will feel a sense of satisfaction and unity by getting out and casting your vote.

If you think it won't make any difference, you can take a look here in Washington state. Last election our governor was elected by just over 100 votes. In a state with millions of people that is extremely close. If the same number of people had not exercised their right to vote, the outcome would have been different. The same race is just that close again this year.

So, get out and vote. Show yourself that you count by standing up for what you believe. Whatever your political affiliation, whatever your path, stating your case and honoring your choice by voting will help build your self esteem.

Thank You!

Marquita

Trick or Treat!

What you have been reading here, and being asked to do recently, is hard work! The hard work of becoming a person who loves and cares enough about themselves to stand up for what they need, even if that means standing up to their own thoughts.

Last week we talked about throwing a fit and letting go of anger. This week I want to talk about how to be kind to yourself and give yourself a treat for all your hard work. Today is Halloween, and I would like to suggest that today you call a moratorium on walking through fire, on tricking yourself in any way, and instead taking the day to relax and breathe.

This can be as hard for some people, as it is to be overwhelmed with things to do. So start with something you know you can do. That might mean something as simple as relaxing for 10 minutes while you take a break from work. For others, (I know you are out there!) who are good at gifting themselves with self care, go full out. If you are working today, can you take an hour and get a massage, or a manicure, or go for a walk in the park. Can you call some friends and do something relaxing with them tonight. For me, I am such a kid at heart, that I am taking the afternoon off and going to the local pumpkin patch with my grandkids. We will enjoy the corn maze, drink hot apple cider, launch some pumpkins and go for a hay rid. We will undoubtedly laugh a lot, eat something bad for us, and generally act like kids.

So, you have been working hard! The next step is to be willing to recognize that, and give yourself time to breath, and relax. What will you do? What do you deserve? How can you love yourself, by treating you today?

Love,

Marquita

Maybe It's Time to Throw a Fit!

I was talking with another coach and they mentioned that they had just threw a huge tantrum and it was a great way to get rid of unwanted emotions. Often when we are trying to walk through fire the emotion that comes up is not always sadness or grief, it is anger and frustration.

What better way to get past this than to let it out! Now I am not suggesting you immediately throw yourself on the floor and kick and scream (particularly if you are surrounded by co-workers or your family). What I am suggesting is that you have a private tantrum.

One of the ways I like to do this, is to get out paper and pen and just write a letter to whatever or whomever is really @#%$ing me off, and write down everything I would say to them if I could do it without repercussions. I don't send these letters, I often burn them afterward to enhance the walking through fire feeling. If you are more visual than that, a picture of your fit is another way to go. Imagine yourself with a paintbrush and bold colors like red and purple and painting all your emotions onto the paper. This is a glorious way to release!

For me, physical fits can be a great release. I used to have a wood stove in my house, and every weekend I would go out to my wood pile, pick up my splitting mall and chop all my frustrations away. Now I attend a workout class that includes martial arts, and it is amazing how some good punching and kicking can take my anger away. Any form of good physical exercise can be used to relieve anger. If you live near a beach, throwing rocks until you release all those pent up emotions is another good tool.

So my suggestion for this week is to have a tantrum. Pitch a fit. Release your anger about whatever is going through your life right now. Make sure that you don't do this in a way that harms another person or thing, because then you'll just have more things to work through!

I'd love to hear ideas for releasing your emotions that are creative and satisfying. Email me with any you have.

Take care,

Marquita

Fire Building Material

In my last post, I talked about being willing to walk into fire. This week, I want to talk a little more about what you will be using as fuel for this fire.

As we grow and change in our lives we find that there are a lot of twists and turns along the way. We may change our partners, careers, homes, bodies, and many other things as we get to wherever we are today. When we find ourselves making these big changes, especially ones where we feel pain, (think lost relationship here), we don't always wait until we have resolved all of our feelings of pain, or anger, or sadness, before we move on down the road.

What happens then, is that these feelings get buried deep inside us, and we use a variety of ways of not dealing with them. So to be able to walk through fire we need to take these out of their storage place, look at them, and feel them. So here is a simple way to begin finding fuel for your fire.

• Go back through your life and write down anyone you are angry with or sad about, or that you feel you have unfinished business with. These might be your parents, your exes, your bosses, maybe even your children. Just make a list of all these people.


• The next step is to look at each individual situation and write down how you are feeling about it. An example for me would be my ex partner. I left him when I was making a big change in my life and I didn't give him a chance to be a part of that change. Right now I feel sorry that I did that, sad that I wasn't able to be more open at the time, and regretful that he was hurt by my behavior.


• The next step is to sit with those feelings for as long as it takes to feel them. In my case, it doesn't take long, I have done this before and although there is still some sadness, it isn't a big issue today. For some big issues, it may take a while to feel all the feelings. Be willing to devote a small amount of time each day to do this, until you feel them all.


• Once you have done that, you need to ask yourself, "Is there any action I need to take to finish grieving or dealing with this person?" In my case, what I would like to do is talk with my ex partner about this, and let him know that I am sorry for what I did. I have not been able to locate him, and so I can do this symbolically. How do I do that? I can write him a letter and express my amends to him that way. I can then put the letter away, or burn it and then I need to let go of it.


• When there are things that need to be done to finish your grieving or deal with the pain, then do them. Do whatever it is until you feel that you are done with this person. You may not ever totally feel clean about everyone, but this is a good start.


• In her book Steering by Starlight, Martha Beck offers what she calls a simple prayer to end things with. This is when I would use that prayer. It is, "Thanks, I quit." What a great way to let go once you have worked through an issue and came out the other side of the fire!

So, my hope is that you will start that list today. Just write as many people on the list, and stop when you feel you are done for now. Then pick it back up tomorrow, and keep doing this until you have navigated your own personal ring of fire.

Marquita

Walking Through Fire

One of the reasons that it is difficult for people to stand up for themselves is they fear the consequences of living an esteemed life. What I mean by this, is that when you start being true to yourself, and you begin challenging the way things are in relationships, people often react in a negative way. This doesn't always mean they are bad people, or they shouldn't be in your life. It often means that they are scared of the changes you are making and worry about how it will affect them. So what happens is that both partners end up scared and fearful.

When this happens, it is important to be clear with those you love. Let them know that this is about being you and that you need to make these changes. It is equally important to let them know that you want them to be right there with you. When this works well, people get the opportunity to grow together and it benefits everyone concerned.

When this doesn't work well, and people decide that they are not going to accept change, than you can be left with the pain of loss, as well as the pain of growing. It often feels like becoming who you are means walking through fire. (Martha Beck calls this "The Ring of Fire" in her book Steering by Starlight). At this point many people decide they can't do it, and go back to their old way of life. They change their story to read something like this, "I tried to get what I wanted, but it didn't work, so I am stuck living this way." They can go telling that story for a very long time. Others begin to feel the pain, and instead of moving backwards, they stay stuck by finding ways to avoid, deny, or anesthetize the pain. They use behaviors such as overwork, smoking, drinking too much, and overeating. All of this is done so as not to feel the pain.

Neither of these ways of dealing with pain works well! In fact, both of these options can last far longer and be much more agonizing than actually feeling the pain. What does work well, is stepping into the fire. You may be thinking, "There she goes with those crazy ideas again. No way am I going to walk into pain!" Let me explain this course of action to you. When you decide to walk forward even if you are terrified, what happens is that you find something you may have lacked before. That thing is courage. You stand up straighter, you square your shoulders and you say, "Let me have it."

Then what occurs is pretty amazing. When you decide to accept and deal with the pain of loss in your life, and the pain of growing, and willingly walk forward in your life, your ability to gracefully feel, embrace and resolve pain is unbelievable. When you do this, the pain is processed, felt, released, and you move through it much quicker than if you try not to feel it, or to avoid it at all costs.

So here is my suggestion. Is there any pain, grief, or loss, that you are not dealing with at this moment? I want you to spend fifteen minutes a day over the next week, taking that pain or loss out and examining it. Look at it, describe it, feel it, embrace it, and release it in any way that feels right to you. This might mean crying, yelling, going to the beach and throwing rocks till your arms hurt, writing about it, using what works for you. Then I want you to let it go, until the next day. Let it go, and get up and keep moving towards your life. And then do it again the day after that.

I know you can do this.

Marquita

Walking Your Talk

Last week I asked you to think about the times in your life when you haven't stood up for yourself. This included times when you were the one who was pushing yourself down, and not living the way you wanted.

This week I want to talk more about what to do when you feel as if others are holding you back, pushing you down, or not allowing you to grow and change. So, what do you do then? Good question. I don't want you to think there is always an easy answer. Sometimes it takes time to get to the place where you are ready to change, and ready to risk the fallout of being authentic and true to yourself.

The first thing I want to ask this week is, are you ready to move forward? Are you at that point where you know that if you do not do this, that you are consciously choosing a jail sentence, a death sentence, a slow erosion of everything you stand for? Okay, I am being dramatic. What I know is the more sure you are that you are ready, the easier it is to move forward. So if where you are is still more comfortable than changing, stay there. Do nothing. Wait until you are ready, and then move ahead.

If you are ready to move ahead, here are a few suggestions on how to begin:

1. First spend some time thinking about what you want and becoming clear on your needs. For example, if you want to get an education or go to school and your partner or parents are not enthusiastic. Think about exactly what you want to do, explore ways of doing it, and explore the costs and financing available. When you know all you need to know, it is much easier to be clear with others.
2. Once you have clarity on what you want to do, ask yourself if you can move ahead with your plan without the help and support of others. In the example above, can you go to school without support from your parents or partner? If this is true then it is simple to move on to the next step. If it is not true, how can you make it true? Can you do something to get in a position to do this without help. If so, do it. Now you can move to the next step.
3. Present your plan to the interested parties. Ask your partner or parents to sit down with you and share your plan with them. Start with something like this, "I have decided to go to college. Here is my plan. (Detail where you are going, and what you are majoring in, and your plans to follow through and pay for it). I am excited to be doing this and will keep you posted on my progress." If they start finding reasons you can't go, or telling you you shouldn't, simply answer with, "I understand you feel that way. I am confident I can do this without your support." Whatever you do, don't get into an argument, or let them feel they have control over whether you follow through or not.
4. The final step is just doing it. Walk your talk. Act as if. Follow through with your plans and don't let them spoil it for you. If you find that they are constantly interfering and trying to stop you from moving forward, there is a simple way of letting them know that won't work anymore. Take a couple of deep breaths, look them in the eye, and say, "I plan on moving ahead with this. It is very important to me. I would like to have you as a supportive person in my life. I understand that may not be possible right now. So, I will simply do this without that support." And then do it.

We will keep working on this. It is not easy, but I know you can do it.

Take care,

Marquita

Standing Up!

In my last post, I began a discussion on building self-esteem in order to better love ourselves. I want to continue this with how to stand up in situations where we find it difficult.

First, what do I mean by standing up for ourselves. Most of us can relate to this in situations where we are being bullied in our relationships at home or at work. There are many places where we don't stand up for ourselves that may be much more subtle, and sometimes we put our own constraints on our self without anyone else being involved.

For example, when I married my husband there was a point in the first year of our marriage where I decided consciously that "I can just sit back now and work at the hospital and quit looking for adventures and just keep doing the same thing until I can retire." My husband never suggested this to me. But I was putting these brakes on myself because I was now secure and it seemed what I was "supposed" to do.

Thinking about this situation, I have to laugh at myself because it so ridiculous if you really know me. Here I was pushing myself down and no one was asking me too. Not too long after this I sought help from a support group and it wasn't long before I began following my heart and began coaching and finding every adventure I can! So fast forward to this year, when my business and my career have taken off and I was feeling that I wasn't getting the support I wanted from by husband. We talked about this and he was scared about security, and whether I would be able to accomplish all I wanted. I agreed with him that he had the right to be scared, but I told him "this is something I am going to do because I love coaching, and creating, and traveling, and although I love you, I can't give up myself for anyone." Fast forward again until now, and it's clear to both of us that my business is successful and my husband is more and more supportive all the time.

Last week I asked you to commit to doing one small thing for yourself and stick with it to build self esteem. This week, I'd like you take a look at where you push yourself down and stuff yourself away and don't stand up to others or your own thoughts. All I want you do is begin to look at these and next week I will expand more in how to stand up for yourself with others.

Until then,

Marquita

Self Esteem 101

What makes someone feel good about themselves? How is it that some people seem to radiate self assurance in such a way that we are drawn to them, and want to feel the way they do?

Why am I asking these questions? Good question! One of the things I have always said is that to have the best relationships whether they are at work, at home, or at play, is to love ourselves first. My definition of self esteem is self love.

I recently listened to a CD by Caroline Myss on self esteem and I really love her take on what this is, and how to get more of it. Myss suggested that every problem in the world from a single relationship to global wars are caused by lack of self esteem. Her idea is that whenever someone feels there is a power imbalance there can be conflict.

Okay maybe that is a little more than you want to read in a relationship blog! But Myss's ideas about how we lose and how we build self esteem are worth looking at. She suggests this:

To build self esteem we need to take a close look at our daily lives. First, we need to look at how many times we let others take our power by not standing up for ourselves in some way. Second, we need to look at how many times we do something that puts another person down, or hurts them in any way. This is not for the faint of heart, because until you start looking, you may not realize how many times one or the other of these things happen. To really love who you are, it is vital to begin looking at how this happens in your life, and start the process of changing those two areas. I know that sounds like a huge bit of work, so I am going to suggest you do one small thing this week to start the process.

Each time we commit to doing something for ourselves, however small, and stick with it, we show our spirit that we care about ourselves and our esteem grows. Let me give you an example. Let's say you want to be more fit, and you decide to walk every day. If you follow through with this, you feel better about yourself and your esteem grows. However, if you start doing what is good for you and don't follow through, you let yourself down, and your esteem goes down.

To begin building self love for yourself, I want you to think about one small thing you can start today to create self esteem. Make sure that it is small enough, and doable enough that you will keep doing it no matter what. If you do this, I guarantee your esteem will start growing because you will trust yourself to do something good for you.

Go on, give it a try. What do you have to lose?

Marquita

On Vacation!

One of the best ways to have good relationships is take care of yourself. To that end, I am on vacation and will resume my blogging with new vigor when I return later this month.

I hope that you are taking the time this summer to relax and play and soak up the sun. I love this time of year, and I am working on recharging my engines and loving life.

Talk to you soon, Marquita

"He's Still a Guy"

This morning I got up and the song "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith was stuck in my head. The reason for this was that last night I watched a video about this lion who was raised by a couple of guys, and then let back into the wild. The guys went to see the lion after a year, and were told he wouldn't recognize them. The lion was so happy to see them that he was literally hugging and licking them and so excited to be reunited with his people. The song that was playing in the video was "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." It was all very beautiful and heartwarming.

As I was drinking my coffee, (which my husband had poured and ready for me as I stumbled out of the bedroom), my husband said that he had the song "I'm Still a Guy" by Brad Paisley stuck in his head. This song has a verse that reads:

I don't have highlights in my hair,

I've still got a pair,

I'm still a guy!

These two songs stuck in our heads as we start out day are a great symbol of the differences between men and women! I'm thinking of this beautiful song about not wanting to fall asleep because I might miss some of this great love, and he's thinking about a song that reinforces his manhood!

What I love about this is that I wouldn't have it any other way. He can be the hunter gatherer that he is, he can prefer action movies to chick flicks, and he can be all the things that make him a man. When it comes to men it usually isn't about romance and frills. It is about providing and laughter and physical needs.

My husband expresses his love by pouring that coffee for me in the morning, by fixing a great steak on the barbecue, and by kissing my chap stick off every night. So when you are wishing your partner was more romantic or giving, pay close attention to what they do. What they do is much more important than what they say any day!

Marquita

Horse Play

I'm in love! Don't tell my husband, but yesterday, I began the most amazing relationship with a horse. What's more, I don't even know her name. I just know that she and I joined up in an amazing way during a leadership training with Koelle Simpson the owner of the Gift of Equus.

"What does this have to do with relationships?" you ask. Everything. What Koelle teaches is that nonverbal communication is a much bigger part of relationships than verbal communication. In our relationships we might say the right things and do the right things, and yet to an outside observer there is obviously something wrong. For example have you ever had a conversation with a friend and they were telling you how fantastic their new boyfriend is, yet there eyes were downcast, their shoulders were slumped, and they spoke without conviction. Did you believe what they were saying?

With horses, it is all about body language. They have specific ways of knowing by how we behave, whether or not they will trust us to lead them. They are herd animals and are very happy to be lead, but they must feel safe and want to be led by you. This is what the Gift of Equus teaches, and it is magic. If you want to feel some of this magic check out Koelle at www.giftofequus.com.

So my thought this week is take a look closer at the relationships around you. Are you feeling confident when you are with those you love? Do you feel safe being who you are when you are around them? Do you make a safe place for them to be who they are around you? If you have never spent much time watching people, try going to a public place and just watch people go by. See if you can pick up on their energy by watching what their bodies are telling you. Do the same thing with friends and family. Don't just listen to what they say with their voice, notice what they say with their bodies.

I know that for me, I am going to look a little closer at my nonverbal communication, and what message I am giving others. I am good at reading others, and I want to make sure I am good at reading myself as well. The other thing is, I can't wait to do this again, and fall in love with the next horse who joins with me. It felt too good not to do it again!

Happy Trails,

Marquita

I am Me, You are You, and We are All Together

It was just Independence Day here in America, and it got me thinking about love and independence rather than co-dependence. When I was learning about love and how to be a whole person, I had this idea that two people would meet, come together and form a whole. That belief led me to accept a lot of unacceptable things and to stay in relationships I should have never entered into in the first place.

What I learned in my journey to wholeness, is that I need to be able to depend on myself. I need to know that whatever happens in my life and my relationships that I will be okay. Really loving yourself is about being good with or without someone. Really loving someone else is wanting them to feel the same way, and allowing them to be who they are in life.

My husband and I are going on trips this year without each other. He is going fishing in Alaska, and I am going to Costa Rica with my granddaughter. We were talking about this over coffee this morning and I mentioned that I would be in Central America during hurricane season. He began joking about getting more life insurance for me, and we had a good laugh about it. The truth is I know he would be heart broken if something happened to me, but then he would heal and be all right because we don't have a co-dependent relationship. I wouldn't want it any other way.

I like the way love and indepencence is writtten about in this poem by Kahlil Gibran:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Happy Loving,

Marquita

How's Your Relationship?

In the June issue of Self Magazine there is a great article about red flags in a partnership. These are flags that would indicate whether there is trouble brewing and what to do to get things back on track.

I think there are some great ideas in the story, so I will give you my interpretation here:

Does he really need to know what you had for lunch and what happened at work today? The answer is a definite yes. When we don't take time to go over our day and let our partners into our more mundane life, we miss the opportunity to grow closer, and it makes it harder to talk about the more important things.

Is it okay to be really independent and enjoy separate interests (and like it that way)? This is more of a yes and no answer. It is okay to be independent and have separate interests. The problem is when you don't spend time doing things you enjoy together you lose out on a lot of fun, and end up disconnecting from each other. Date nights and time together are key to a happy relationship.

Is it okay to never fight? I've always said in my marriage that we occasionally just need to have a good fight! If you don't talk about the small things or the big things in a relationship and be willing to put yourself out there to work things out, there could be trouble ahead.

On the other hand, is it okay to resort to low lows in a fight? No, it is never okay to resort to low blows. These include name calling, threats, stomping around, or other forms of verbal or physical abuse.

Do you think your relationships would be so much better if only he or she was more .........(insert just about anything here)? This is a good question to bring up, and it is one of those things that I tell myself and others all the time. The only person you can change is you. However, you can be honest and live authentically for you, and sometimes people change because of the examples we set. I would suggest writing down all the things you are grateful for in your relationship and look at the whole person, not just the one thing that drives you crazy.

What if we aren't that affectionate with each other? Everyone has different needs for affection. Some people love to cuddle all the time and others are uncomfortable with cuddling. What is true is that if you want more affection try initiating it yourself. Start small. Do things like hold hands when you walk. Make sure you hug and kiss good bye in the morning. As your partner gets used to more affection you can slowly increase the amount of cuddling you do.

What if our sex life is just ....fine? There is a quote in the article that says "Life is filled with difficulty and challenges, sex can help repair wounds and bring you together." I love that. Sometimes we find ourselves wanting to fix everything first before we are willing to have sex. My suggestion is try having sex first and see if it might help fix other issues!

Take Care,

Marquita

The River

Last week I was on a trip with a bunch of women friends and we went river rafting. This is something I do every year, and I am always amazed by how much I love the river and the joy of running rapids and working together with a group to keep the raft upright and not end up in the water.

As I was considering writing this post, it dawned on me that running the river is a great metaphor for life and relationships. This is what I mean by that statement:

Making the choice to go river rafting is not an easy one. You need to be open to new things, you have to like the outdoors and the adventure, and you need to be able to trust yourself and the people you are with. Often when we are going through life, there are people and situations that we are not open to and we don't trust ourselves or them and we choose not to take that ride.

Once you decide go rafting, you need to gear up and learn what you need to do to stay afloat. This means that you don a life jacket, a helmet, and sometimes a wet suit. In life you take on protections in the form of boundaries to keep you safe as you move through life. Then you need an education. In rafting that is learning how to listen to your guide and when to paddle and when to hold on.

Once you begin the journey, there is no way to go but follow the river. Sometimes you float along peacefully and there is not a lot required of you. Sometimes you find rapids that require you to listen to your guide, to do your part to keep the raft on course, and enjoy the feel of the river flowing over you.

Occasionally someone comes out of the raft and if you do, you need to lean back, point your feet downstream and let the river take you until you can be picked up. If someone is in the water, you may need to rescue them. This is accomplished by grabbing their life jacket and falling backward into the raft and pulling them in on top of you! I find in relationships, if you become derailed by something, just moving forward and doing the next indicated thing is often the best advice. Then at some point, you find yourselves grabbing on to each other and ending up on top of each other again. And then you laugh, and breathe, and move on down the river.

So how do you want your life and relationships to flow today?


Marquita

What If.......

What if you you are in a difficult relationship and you have tried to work things out, and things just stay the same, and you can't let go?

This is a question I hear all the time. The answer is you stay and keep working on yourself and let the outcome work itself out. You are probably wondering why you can't fix this. I always wanted to find the easy way out and I am living proof that there isn't one. I remember asking a mentor once, "Why do I keep walking back into the same old problems over and over again?" Her reply was simple, and very wise. It was "You'll do it til you don't."

There are definitely things that can be done to work on a relationship through counseling and coaching and sometimes religion or spirit. If both people are willing to work together, things can and do get better. The problem occurs when only one person wants to change things and the other doesn't, or isn't willing to participate in working things out.

When this is where you are at, the best option is to seek help or guidance for yourself. Often there is no easy answer, and that is when you have to choose to stay and feel your feelings and work through your truth to get to the answer that is right for you. Only then can you make a decision that feels peaceful. When you have done all that you can, and worked through your issues and know exactly what you want, the future becomes clear and the path is laid out for you.

I never tell anyone to stay or go in a relationship. The truth is those answers are ones that people must figure out for themselves. I have seem brave souls who have stayed and loved and worked on their relationships in such an amazing manner, and been awed by their ability to keep going until they got to the place they were meant to go. It is a joy to be a relationship coach and be a witness to the beauty of watching someone figure it out, and step into their right life. I intend to keep doing it for a long time!


Take care,

Marquita

Spider Love

Have you ever been the fly in a case of spider love? You know what I mean, its when it seems like you are being held captive in a web of sweet words, and carefully taken care of, and then when you least expect it the other shoe drops. It is the kind of love I like to call crazy making. It is where the person is often charismatic and exciting and you fall hard and fast for them, and then when they know they have you, they suddenly start eating you in slow, painful fashion.

I know this sounds terribly dramatic, and not like much fun. However in my coaching practice and my experience I have met people who do exactly what I have described. And the funny thing is, the other person, the "victim" of the spider keeps walking right back into the web. Why is this?

This is because many of these so called spiders are either sociopaths or narcissists. They are often smart, they know exactly what a woman (or man) wants to hear. They treat you better than you have ever been treated in your life, and they draw others to them exactly like flies to a web. When they are sure you are truly deeply involved, they begin testing the waters with small betrayals, to see if you will let them get away with it. If you tend to be insecure about your boundaries, they will see this and begin to try bigger and bigger betrayals. When you call them on it, a spider love will always find a way to suggest you brought it on yourself. They will say something like, "I didn't want to hurt you, but I had to because of (insert something you did to make them do it here)" or they will say, "I love you more than life itself, I didn't mean it, It'll never happen again," and what's worse they are so convincing people fall for it.

Why am I bringing this up here? Because if you are in a relationship with someone like this, I want you to know there is help. You are not crazy! There is no good reason for a person ever to be hurt over and over again by someone who doesn't have the capacity to love anyone but themselves. I'd like to tell you that you can fix spider love. However, I have yet to see a case where it worked out to happily ever after.

The hardest thing about being caught in the web of spider love, is that it is extremely difficult to extricate yourself. Spiders try to hold on to their prey at all costs. These are the kind who harass, stalk, cajole, try to bribe, wine and dine, and do anything to stop people from leaving. The truth is that they don't really care about the person leaving, it is that they cannot stand being left. It is once again about them and not you.

I keep trying to tone this post down, make it sound better, leave a happier note. The happy note is this. You can decide to take care of you and love yourself. You can decide to be true to you, and to have the life you want. You can be strong and get the love you want. I am here to help you, and there are lots of others who are willing to help to.

Marquita

Practical Magic for Love

Finding the love you want often feels like magic. There is that special thrill, that feeling of walking on air, and the way you find yourself smiling so much your cheeks hurt.

When I am coaching people in how to find love, there sometimes seems to be a big gap between where they are and the love they want. It often seems that to bridge that gap would require superhuman power, magical intervention, or at the very least a complete restructuring of their whole life!

Some times all the above are needed, and I am here to tell you it can be done. How do I know this? Because I have done that very thing in my life. Through the course of this blog, I have been sharing the path I took in hopes that some of you would find hope and strength in what I have learned and find some tools that will take you to your power, your magic, and that completely remade life.

Recently I have had the opportunity to compile this information in a more cohesive and readable format. I compiled my blog entries into a book so that I could share the tools for finding love to more readers. While putting this together, I edited some, and added some, and made the format easy to follow.

The result is a book by the name of Practical Magic for Love. I would love to share it with any and all of you, and will soon have it available on both this blog and my website. If you are wanting to get a preview copy of the book, please send me an email and I will gladly share it with you.

Here's to magic in life and love, and when you need a parking space!

Marquita

Mother's, You Gotta Love Them!

This time of year I think a lot about my mother. She is often missing in the stories I tell, and my father usually gets top billing. This isn't because she didn't influence my relationships, its just that my father was the first dysfunctional male relationship in my life and is often cast somewhere between the villain and the person who told me I could do anything if I put my mind to it.My mother was the stable parent. She was round and warm and kept us dressed and fed. I was not her favorite, and I can understand that, as I was a lot like my Dad.

When I was growing up, I made an early decision that I would never be like her. She was the one who let men and children rule her life and I always thought she could have done better. Needless to say, if you have read my earlier posts, you know that I turned out to be just like her. I picked the wrong men, made many of the same mistakes, and ended up warm and round and a bit wiser as the years have gone by.

My mother passed away over seventeen years ago. I miss her a lot. I think that we would have a great relationship once I wised up and started to become the woman I am today. Each year around Mother's Day she is on my mind more than usual and I want to honor her in this post.

So, here's to my mother. If she was here today I would not hesitate to thank her for the person she was, and the person she helped me to be. She was so strong, and loved deeply, and always tried to do the best she could for her family. She loved God, and believed she would be with him when she died, and I am sure she is. We did not share that faith, but she was certain of it and never seemed to question it.

If she was here today, she could join me tomorrow as I go to my daughter's house to share Mother's Day brunch with her and my son and grandchildren. And she would be the matriarch instead of me. I would bring her back to my house and show her the Shirley tulips I planted for her, and she would cry for joy.

What is the story of your mother today? Is there a way to tell it that makes it better or honors her more? Are there truths you need to talk about with her? This is your chance. You may not get another.

Marquita

What Sends You to the Moon?

Yesterday, I was literally floating on air! I think I went so high as to feel I was walking on the moon. This is the feeling I get when I am living the life that feels so right to me, I almost can't stand how good it feels. As I spend more of my time doing work that I love, and having relationships that actually work, the more often I have to pinch myself to make sure it's real.

To be honest, I don't feel this way everyday! Just a couple of days ago, I was cranky, tired, and wondering how to make sure I got through the day without causing irreparable damage in any of my relationships.

In the past, when my life wasn't working very well, I used to tell the people around me, "I'm not fit for human consumption today, so be aware that if you get too close, I might bite."

The one thing I have learned in life is that there will be highs and lows, with a lot of "life's pretty good" in between. What I need for all these situations is tools to deal with whatever comes my way. Here's what I have found works for me:

• I start each day with a routine that works whether I wake up feeling great, or I wake up wondering how I am going to get through the day. I have some time for me, I drink really good coffee, I walk, whatever the weather, with my dog, and I eat a good breakfast.
• I read at least one good meditation book and list five things I am grateful for everyday.
• I have at least a couple of people I can call and talk with whether I feel wonderful, or I feel like dog doo-doo.
• I let people know who I am. This is really important for relationships. I don't pretend anymore that life is always okay. If I am struggling or soaring, my partner, family, and confidants know the real me. I don't take my moods out on them, I am just honest about where I am, and this allows them to be open and honest with me.
• I am coachable on a daily basis. I don't know all the answers, and when I need help, I coach myself, I get coached by others, and sometimes I get coached by someone I talk to in the supermarket who doesn't even know they are sharing their wisdom with me.
• I work hard every day to be open to what life has in store for me. If I close up and am not open, I miss everyday opportunities to learn and grow.

This is what works for me. It may not work for you. I am willing to bet that you know what will work to ground you everyday, so that you can start off on the right foot, and some ways to pull you back to earth when you float too far into the atmosphere. Take a moment to consider this, and ask yourself, "What can I do each day to lay the groundwork to live my most awesome, stellar life?" And then, do it. Put it into action today, and see what happens.

Marquita

The Importance of Dates

Whether you have been married 50 years or you just met last week, the importance of dating can't be stressed enough. Dating is a wonderful way to get to know someone, even if you already have known each other a long time.

Why is this? It is because when two people decide on an activity together, they are committed to sharing that time with each other. It brings the focus of both participants on being together and doing something they enjoy.

This may seem unnecessary in a long term romance. The truth is, the world today is full of distractions. We are distracted by silly things like work, children, money, home, family. Okay these are not silly, but they do distract us. Often relationships get put way down on our list of have-tos, and end up getting pushed to the back burner.

The other thing that is great about dates is that they can be about anything. I am an outdoor girl and although I love a good movie and dinner, I like to try different outdoor activities. One of the things that kept me coming back when I was dating my husband was because our dates often happened outdoors. We played golf, went fishing, went clam digging, hiking, and many other nature based activities.

Sometime it's fun to try something new, so be open to new things, and find adventure in dating! If you are single and meet someone, try thinking of something different than the standard date. This can keep people coming back for more.

If you are in a long term relationship, is there something new you both could try to add surprise and joy to your next date?

Let me know where you end up!

Marquita

Cleaning Out the Cobwebs

The weather has been warming up and as the sun begins shining through my windows for the first time in a long time, I am beginning to see all the dust and spider webs that have accumulated this winter.

Sometimes our relationships need to be dusted off and the cobwebs swept, so that they don't become stale and lose their luster. My plan for this weekend is to spend a little time airing out my marriage and shining it up a little.

I have been so busy lately that it seems my husband and I have been going so many different ways that we haven't had much time for romance or spending time with each other.

We are both somewhat low maintenance as a rule. He is pretty secure in who he is and is able to take care of himself and his needs when I am busy. I am also good alone, and don't need to be constantly attended too. The problem with this, is that when we get busy, we don't get enough time together.

When this happens, it is important that we talk, and remind ourselves how much we love each other. One thing we always do is eat dinner together and talk about our day. When we get a free evening, we see a movie or take a long walk together and make sure that we don't put making love on the back burner.

If you are in a relationship, does it need some dusting off and sprucing up? How about a date night? Go out, spend time together, and make out like high school kids.

If you are not in a romance, how is your relationship with you? Do you need to call some friends and make a date to go out dancing, see a ball game, go camping?

Relationships require tending, just as flowers or pets do. If you are seeing dust and cobwebs and weeds, how can you tend to your relationships this week?

Marquita

Spring Break

It is time to give yourself a break! Yes, YOU.


When was the last time you spent time with yourself and enjoyed just being?


I was asking myself the same question earlier this week. I have (supposedly) taken the week off. My granddaughters are here as they are out of school for the week and usually spend time with me during breaks.


I have a lot of work that is also due this week, consequently the word supposedly. I have learned a few tools along the way for relaxing even during times when we are busy or have obligations to meet.


Here are a few of them:

• Every day I get up a half hour earlier than I need to. This half hour is all mine. I get a cup of coffee, curl up on the couch and do nothing for the full length of time.

• When I have to get some work done, I allow myself time to play first. This makes the work go a lot faster when I am feeling like my needs are met.

• Make a list of all you have to do for the day and then Bag It, Barter It, or Better It.

• Bag It means: Is this something that is really necessary for me to do today or at all? If the answer is no, then don't do it, Bag It.

• To Barter It means: Can someone else do this for me? What do I need to do for them in exchange? If someone else can help, then Barter It.

• To Better It means: Is there some way I can make this project more fun, or easier to do. If so, then Better It.

• Lastly if you can't take the whole week off, then take at least one day during the week where you do only what you feel like doing. I am doing this tomorrow, as I am going to the coast and spending time with family, and just relaxing.

This week, where can you use some of these tools to make your life more peaceful and relaxing for you? Or better yet, what tools do you already use to do this? And how can you use them this week?

Marquita

Steering by Starlight

This week I have been joyously reading the new book by Martha Beck, Steering by Starlight. In this book Martha goes where no coach has gone before and it is fabulous.

There are many tools in the book for living the life you want. One of the first exercises in the book is a great one to adapt for use in relationships. You can use this when you are looking for a partner or when you are already involved with someone and find yourself wanting them to fulfill all your needs.

There are three parts to this exercise:

• The first part is to ask yourself, "What do I want from a partner right now?" For example, some people may want to feel loved, or cared for. Just write down what you want from either your current partner or a future partner.
• The second part is to picture yourself getting what you want. For example, if you want to feel loved, picture what that feels like. Now write down the feeling you get, when you have what you want.
• The third part is to ask yourself, "How can I get this feeling now?" If you are in a relationship, it may be as simple as asking for more time together. If you are not, you need to be creative. Do you have a pet you can cuddle with? A friend who will come over? A Teddy Bear to love?

These tools can help you get your needs met, without waiting for some future that doesn't exist. One of the best parts of working on yourself and meeting your own needs, is that other people find it very attractive, and who know where that might lead!

Take care,

Marquita

Love's Crazy Quilt

In my last post, I wrote about time challenged relationships. It seems that since that post, my life has been time challenged! I want to publish a new post each week, and I am recommitting to doing that, as my life becomes more crazy.


This week I would like to talk about another kind of crazy, the crazy quilt of patterns that can occur in our relationships and our lives. The more I work with people who are healing their love lives and figuring out what is most authentic for them, the more I find that we tend to create a pattern in our relationships.


My pattern when I was out there in relationship hell was to find men who on the one hand were exciting, adventurous, and funny, and on the other hand were lost, sometimes abusive, often addicted, and not good long term relationship material. I would meet men who were kind, loving and hardworking, but I tended not to stay with them long.


These issues became the pattern of my relationships. When I took the time to write about each relationship and look at what happened, both good times and bad, I found a familiar pattern. It was even predictable after a while. There would be a couple of squares of excitement and fun, and then a dark square of abuse and addiction. When I would add in a nice guy, there might be a mellow and peaceful square.

• If you have already made a list of your relationships and looked at what happened in each, my suggestion is looking for the patterns.

• Do they always start the same way, or end the same way? Are there periods where the pattern has shifted?

• Do the patterns remind you of other close relationships, such as those with one or both of your parents?

Once you recognize the patterns it is much easier to work on changing them, or doing something different, so that the patterns change. The patterns in my life shifted as I recognized something different. The squares of abuse and addiction started to come less often and eventually disappeared. The squares of peace and fun continued to multiply and grow. Now, my love quilt, has an occasional "We really need to have a good fight square!", and a lot of enjoying out lives together squares.

If you drew a pattern for your crazy quilt of love, what would it look like? What can you start doing today, to make the pattern work better for you? Whatever it is, start doing that!

Marquita

Resetting the Clocks!

Tonight is the night we have to set our clocks forward to begin Daylight Savings Time here in the Pacific Northwest. This got me thinking about our own internal clocks and how difficult it can be to change them.

I have always been more of a night person than a morning person. Well, that isn't exactly true. Once I am up and have had my daily dose of caffeine I enjoy mornings and have a lot of energy.

In the past I have always stayed up until 10 or 11pm on weeknights and preferred to roll out of bed around 6:30am. On weekends, I would stay up late and often sleep in and enjoy the extra time to relax. That may not sound like a night person to you, but compared to my husband, it qualifies! He prefers to be up before the crack of dawn, go to work early, come home early, and be in bed by 9pm every night.

This is a huge improvement over when we first met. Until I met him, I had never been in a relationship where we were what I would like to call "Time Challenged."

What is a time challenged relationship? For me it was one where I was finding it hard to end up in bed with my husband when we were both awake. This made it hard for us to find time for sex, and even just to cuddle in bed. When we first got married, I wasn't sure this was going to work for us. He would go to bed before I did, and get up before I did. My staying up later would bother him and, his getting up earlier would bother me!

Something had to change if we wanted to get enough sleep. My husband took a while to understand how important it was to work this out so we could both be happy. When it got to the point where I suggested separate bedrooms, he saw how serious I was. What we have done over time is move closer to each other in our schedules. He now goes to bed an hour later than he used to, and I go to bed an hour earlier, and we both end up in bed about the same time.

I have talked with other couples about what they do when they are Time Challenged. For those who can't find a way to get their schedules the same, because of different shifts, the challenges of children, and other unfortunate circumstances, the idea of having a room of their own can be a good idea. Sometimes this can even add some excitement to a relationship because they look forward to when they can get together.

Whatever your time challenges are, my suggestion is to be honest with each other and find creative ways to find intimacy and get the rest you need. What works for you? I would love to hear comments from anyone who has some experience with time issues.

Marquita

Soul Mates

One of the reasons I decided to work on myself and learn how to have better romances, was because of a bad break-up with a man who felt very much like a soul mate.

In my coaching I find that these relationships are the hardest to get over and the hardest to understand why they didn't work. Why is it that some people meet a person who feels like home, and it works, and for others it doesn't?

I really don't know the answer to that. I am not sure there is an easy one. For me personally it was because I still had a "Broken Picker." I was still picking people who had addictions, and were wrong for me in many ways. I did learn a lot from this relationship about how much I could love someone, and still love myself enough to let them go. Difficult as this was, it set me on the path of becoming the person I am today and I am very grateful for that.

This last week I was reading the book Eat Pray Love by Elisabeth Gilbert and I found a great passage about soul mates. I am going to share it with you here:

"And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's hard for me to get over this guy is because I believed (he) was my soul mate"

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is you perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But live with your soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for that."

I like this explanation. It fits right in with what happened to me. So if you are grieving the loss of a "soul mate" maybe this passage will give you comfort and set you on the path to finding yourself.

Marquita

What Story are You Telling?

When I was struggling with love, my stories all had a predictable format. I was always cast as the heroine and the men I was with were usually cast as the villains. When I began looking at my love life and realized that I was not a victim, I decided to recast these stories.

To do this, I needed to look at the real truth of what had happened in each of these relationships. I started by creating a timeline that showed each relationship and how long it lasted, and who had ended it. Usually I was the one who called it quits.

Then I wrote down the characteristics of each man I had been involved with. I wrote down both good and bad things about each one, and I only allowed myself to write down actual facts, not the embellishments my mind wanted to add.

Next I wrote down my part in the problems of each relationship. For example, sometimes I lied to my partners, sometimes I allowed them to treat me in ways that I shouldn't have allowed, sometimes I didn't give them the chance they deserved. In each partnership, there were things I had done that contributed to the problems.

The hardest thing I did was make amends to some of my partners for the things I had done. This helped me to forgive them for what they had done, and also to forgive myself for the mistakes I made.

Now the stories of my relationships are much different. There are no heroes. There are no victims. They are just stories about people trying to find love without the proper tools.

What stories are you telling about you love history? Is it time to recast and rewrite? You might be surprised by the happy endings you find!

Marquita

Happy Valentine's Day

This is my valentine to you. I want to tell you how amazing each and every one of you are. If you don't believe this, consider reading on and see if what I say might change your mind.

First of all, you are here trying to find love for yourself and for others and that is one of the most difficult and honorable things anyone can do in their lifetime.

It is made even more difficult when you consider the odds of being open to love and at sometime in this life getting your heart broken because of that openness. Yet you find ways to learn how to stay present, to be authentic to yourself and others, and to let others into your life.

Being human in a world full of magic and spirit is sometimes like rowing a boat with a soup ladle. You move forward in your lives a little and often slip downstream and lose ground. Yet, being human, there is this part of you, that with resilience and sometimes just plain stubbornness, gets up each morning and walks out in to this world and says "What can I do today?" "How can I keep moving and learning in how to love others today?"

And finally you keep loving yourself. Being true to who you are is what makes you capable of being able to love others. When you don't know how to do this, you ask for help. You wouldn't be reading this post if you were'n't asking for help for yourself. Asking for help is the essence of self love.

Happy Valentines Day!

Love,

Marquita

Lets Talk About Attraction

The Law of Attraction is on my mind this week. I actually had an opportunity to be picked to go on the Oprah Winfrey show if I had a unique story about the Law of Attraction. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided I wasn't sure if I had a unique story, or that I could be "Oprah ready" in a couple of days when they wanted to tape! But it did get me thinking about this principle. I know many of you have read books like The Secret and a lot of what I have been writing about in the last few posts is about attraction. When I suggest ideas such as visualizing your ideal mate or life, and talk about things like Wildly Improbable Goals, what I am really talking about is the principle of attraction. Being sort of ADD in the way my mind links from one thing to the next it was inevitable that I would eventually get to attraction and relationships.

What is it that attracts people to each other? I know that for me when I was struggling with my broken picker, I seemed to gravitate to men who were similar in looks and in behavior, and it wasn't usually good behavior! When I learned to love myself first, and then figured out the qualities I wanted in a relationship, I attracted a very different type of person. What is really attractive about my husband is his sense of humor and his integrity. I also love that he is an outdoor guy and we enjoy a lot of the same activities.

How did I attract this different sort of person to me. First of all, by being the type of person I wanted to attract. I wanted someone who was dependable and hardworking, so I became dependable and hardworking. I wanted someone who was outdoorsy and knew how to have fun, so I enjoyed the outdoors in many different ways and had a blast doing things I enjoyed. I wanted someone who was truly available to be in a relationship, and so I became that way myself. It is much easier to attract the type of person you want if you treat yourself the way you want to be treated and work on being the ideal you.

It also helps to believe that you will attract the type of person you want. If you go around thinking "It might work for others, but it won't work for me", then you are right it won't. So right now I want you to do two things:

• First write out a short descriptive paragraph that contains all the qualities you think are necessary for the person you want to be with. Don't forget to add some fun things too, not just serious, but maybe you want a guy who tells great jokes or make the best pies you ever ate, and loves his dog too.

• Now rewrite the statement starting with the words, "I am in a wonderful relationship with a partner who" and then add all those qualities after this. The statement has to be written as if it is already happening.

That's it. Now keep that paragraph somewhere. Take it out every so often and read it out loud if possible, and see what happens. Let's see who you can attract into your life.

Let me know what happens,

Marquita