The Empty Elevator

There is a saying that goes something like this, "When everyone you run into is an asshole, you need to look in the mirror!" Well lately everyone hasn't been an asshole, but they have sure been frustrating me!

This is actually unusual for me. For the last ten years or so I have worked hard at living a serene and even sometimes a zen like life. I felt a lot of gratitude for what I had, I gave others room to make mistakes, and grow, and be who they were. I even felt pretty cool with myself, and that old Inner Lizard of mine, was napping most of the time.

That is until recently. As you can tell by some of my previous posts, I have been going through a transition in thought, in who I am, in where I want to go. I have been learning a lot about what that means, and I am finding that I am becoming more fearful of the future. Why, because the other people around me aren't necessarily coming along with me! I am taking my new self into the realms I have always traveled, and the people there are simply being who they have always been. Why is this bugging me? Let me paint a picture of one of these episodes:

I have a group of women who I travel to Southern Oregon with each June. We go to a luncheon, river raft, jet boat, hang out and usually have a good time. There is always a certain amount of drama during the trip! Whenever you get 10-12 women of various ages and backgrounds together, it is hard to make decisions, and keep your own priorities straight without offending others. For several years, I have been struggling with this trip, because this group tends toward co-dependency, and occasionally one or two people hijack the trip. This is important, I knew this before the trip. However, I somehow thought that this year would be different. The definition of insanity, Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

I do have some enjoyment in the river and the things we do, but the rest is torture. I don't want to live in the drama anymore. So what do I do, I get upset, take things personally, and blame others! It feels easier to do that, than to acknowledge the truth. The truth is, I have changed and this trip doesn't work for me anymore.

This is the empty elevator that Martha Beck talks about in Steering by Starlight. When we change and grow and become more of who we are, we sometimes find ourselves alone, without our usual companions. Along with the truth that I am moving on a different path than some of those close to me, comes the pain of that loss. I am grieving some of these changes, and the anger and frustration is part of that grief. When we fight change, it is harder. Acknowledging who I am, and being willing to walk into that pain and grief will get me a lot farther than frustration, anger and blaming others. So I am turning the rudder of my life to move into the fire, and with that I will end up going downstream, and getting back to that peaceful life I cherish.

Care to come along? If not, I wish you well on your path to where you need to go.

Marquita