How do I love myself first?

This is the question that bothered me the most while I was trying to be a whole human being. There was part of me that figured I deserved to be loved and taken care of by somebody else. I grew up in the 60's and 70's and still had a fairy tale belief in some wonderful person coming along, and loving me without reservations. I dreamed of a Cinderella story with a happy ever after in my future. What never occurred to me was that to find my prince charming, I needed to know what I wanted in my life, and be grounded in the reality that I was a whole person first.

This required me to know how to take care of myself in a healthy way in all areas of my life!! This was something that I had never done. I had always been in a relationship or trying to find a relationship, or in the middle of leaving a relationship. Looking back now, I can't believe how long I held on to the myth of "If I just meet the right person, it will work out". It never dawned on me that the right person was me.

I have to tell you, that I didn't choose to be alone, so that I could love myself, and become the person I am today. What happened was I had been deeply in love with someone who I believed was the one for me. Unfortunately, after a couple years, this one small flaw in his character appeared, and a latent gambling addiction became completely out of control, and soon both he and I were all wrapped up in trying to control his addiction. This led me to counseling, where I learned to let go of the addiction, and eventually the relationship. I was so devastated after this relationship, that for the first time in my life, I could not conceive of wanting to be in another one. I decided I was terminally in love with someone I couldn't be with, and decided I would probably spend my life that way.

Dramatic, huh? Well at the time it felt that way. But what happened was that I spent the next two years, getting to really know me, without the presence of a relationship. What I found was that being alone was wonderful!!! I would come home and my house was clean, I could eat the food I liked, there was no fight over the remote, and I could go out dancing, or to the movies, or to retreats, and never worry about what some man wanted or needed. I also learned a few great tips for making myself feel better when I was lonely or needed support.

1. I learned to develop some wonderful non-romantic relationships with others. I have a group of friends today that regularly goes to self care retreats, and has great adventures together.

2. I learned that I loved to hike, golf, whitewater raft, travel, dance, and that all of these did not require a man in my life.

3. Whenever I felt low, I would buy myself a low cost bunch of flowers at the grocery store, light a candle, and read, or make myself something delicious to eat, and pamper myself for the evening.

4. I learned that even as an adult, it is okay to have a Teddy Bear, and to snuggle up with it when I was lonely.

5. I learned that sex was too intimate for me personally to have with someone casually, and found I could truly love myself first!!

6. I learned who I was, by trying anything that truly felt authentic to who I was.

7. I learned that having gratitude in my life, for all I have been given, helps be to want what I have right now. Writing a daily gratitude journal, a suggestion I heard from Oprah, got me started, and keeps me grateful today.

Each person is different. So what will work for you will be unique to your essential self. My suggestion is that you spend enough time learning about yourself, and learning to really love your life and who you are, that it continues when you are ready to dive into a relationship.

Until next time,

Marquita