Alpha Who?

This week, I have been thinking a lot about our relationships with our pets instead of humans. My love of the last eleven years, Riff, (he's the one in the photo) decided on Friday that he wanted to go to the great hunting grounds in the sky.

Riff and I have always had a somewhat complicated relationship. I wasn't sure I even wanted to get involved with him from the start. My co-workers had picked him up wandering around the state park where I worked, saving him from incarceration in doggie jail. They found his temporary owners, and were told he needed a new home, as he had been abandoned by his original owner. I was still grieving the loss of my last canine love, and was not sure I was ready for a new one. We met, and although we kind of liked each other, weren't sure it would work. As I often did in relationships, I took him home anyway!

From the start there was conflict. He felt he should be the Alpha male, and although he would concede living with me most of the time, he was a wanderer. I tried to keep him at home, but at some point just decided it was up to him and his higher power to take care of him. For those first few years, he stayed with me most of the time, but would occasionally find other families he liked in the neighborhood and he would move in with them for a while. He became the wing man of Looker, the neighborhood Alpha dog, and they kept it safe for all who entered. Riff loved to walk to the beach, and would go on his own, or with many of the neighbors on their daily sojourns. He became rather famous in Irondale where I lived.

Then the trouble started. He loved to chase cars. He got ran over several times, and suffered a broken pelvis. Reluctantly, he began to see that I was the one who took care of him, and he grudgingly let me believe I was his Alpha female, and he quit wandering. When my husband entered the picture about eight years ago, it was clear to Riff that Tom was an Omega like him, and should be treated as an equal. This never changed, he always saw him as a brother, and me the pack leader.

Five years ago, we moved to Discovery Bay, and Riff lost much of the freedom he had known in our old neighborhood. To get to the beach from here meant crossing a busy highway, and we knew he could not resist the temptation. He settled into middle age, and this last year had suddenly seemed much older. It didn't help that I brought home a large bratty one and a half year old female named Opa. When he injured himself jumping a small ditch last week, I knew that he wanted to go. I was with him at the last, and I loved him deeply. I miss him so!

Marquita

Breathing Space

Just before I began writing this post, my husband called. He was letting me know when he would be home because we are going to a concert together this evening. I asked about dinner and he said "Maybe we can pick up some drive through on the way." I replied, "I think we'll have time to sit down somewhere." I could sense him getting tense and his reply was curt. I recognized that his "on time or two hours early" sensor had gone off. My first reaction was to get tense back, but then I relaxed and suggested we decide later. How did I relax? By breathing.

Breathing is often dismissed by most as something that just happens with very little input from us. We breathe, we live. But as I become more conscious of how I want to be, with myself and others, I find stopping to breathe can solve many problems. For instance, I know someone who has just broken up with her boyfriend, and she can't stop thinking about him, can't stop trying to change things, can't do anything. My suggestion to her was to take a couple of deep breaths and relax into her grief. Why, because when we are willing to do that the pain moves through much more easily, and we become stronger. She followed this suggestion, and took a few breaths, had a good cry, and realized that she can handle the situation.

The other place where breathing works is in following our intuition. This morning while walking my dogs, I lost my keys. Usually this wouldn't be a big problem, as I rarely go off road. Today was different. I took my critters through a large field, over a trail through some brush, and then up a logging road in the woods. When I got home, and reached for my keys to unlock the door they were gone. I panicked a little. I took off to retrace my steps and the first time I went back over the path, I hurried and worried. Then, I stopped. I realized what I wasn't doing, which was stopping and breathing. I took a couple of much needed breaths, and asked the universe and my instincts to help me out. Going back over my path a second time, I slowed down and paid attention. When I got to this spot that my dog had balked at going over on the first walk through, she balked again. I noticed this time, and looked down, and their magically were my keys. I had completely missed them when I was going hurriedly through and not paying attention.

Breathing can solve many situations, from anxiety and frustration, to reconnecting with out intuition. Do you have anything going on that is upsetting, or disturbing you right now? Well, take a couple of deep breaths, and relax into whatever it is, you will find the answer.

Take care,

Marquita

Cups of Love

As most of you know, I am supposed to be some kind of relationship expert and coach. Primarily this is due to my long history of bad relationships and then finally getting my head out of "you know where" and learning how to do it right. This does not mean however, that I don't occasionally fall back into old thought patterns and end up a little twisted.

As most of you have read in previous posts, I make a point of noticing what men do, as opposed to what they say. I have also mentioned that one of the loving things my husband does is leave a cup waiting for me in front of the coffee pot each morning. I can simply stumble out of bed and walk over and pour my coffee on my way to the couch to curl up and begin my day. So what was I to think when not one, but two days in a row, there was no cup! I walked out both mornings and stood in front of the pot, and no matter how hard I looked, it wasn't there.

Now I realize most of you would not have given this a second thought. I didn't the first day. He is human, he might have forgotten. But when it happened a second time, I took notice. My mind started going down all our conversations and interactions in the previous days. I had thoughts like, "I wonder if he's mad at me" and "Does he not love me as much." This lack of cups had me worried! Did I ask him about it? No! I just stewed.

Then, that second evening, as we were sitting at the dinner table. My sweetheart said, "I think I have been drinking too much coffee the last couple of days." When asked why, he replied, "Well, I haven't been waiting for the coffee pot to perk in the morning, and have been making a cup of instant coffee first, then drinking coffee from the pot." I started laughing, and asked, "Is that why you haven't left a cup out for me?" He looked surprised. You see, his routine had changed and he had forgotten the cup, but didn't consider that I would notice. At that point, I let him in on how much those daily cups meant to me, and that they showed me he cared. We had a good laugh together about my personal insanity!

The next morning when I walked out and stood in front of the coffee pot, there were five cups lined up in front of the pot! He does love me a lot.

Love and Peace,

Marquita

As The New Year Turns

This time of year naturally calls for the juxtaposition of both looking forward and looking backward. In looking back I find I have learned a number of important (at least to me) things. Here is a sample:

If you want your partner to treat you in a loving way, start by doing the same for them.

If they aren't giving you something you want or need, find a way to give it to yourself. Better yet, find a way to give what you crave to your partner.

Always pay more more attention to the things people do, than to what they say.

Try loving what is. What is perfect about the things that bother you most?

Live every moment fully. Don't waste time worrying about what you may or may not have tomorrow. Look around and appreciate today.

Try being instead of becoming. How wonderful are you right now without needed to become anything else?

If we consider the idea that we are entitled to nothing in this world, then every thing we have is a miracle and source of gratitude.

When you keep digging deeper, you excavate more @#$%, and leave room for more joy.

Growing your hair out takes a long time. So does growing your soul.

Everything is magic. There is enough magic for all of us.

I love you all.

Marquita

The Gift of Gratitude

Keeping a gratitude journal has been a regular part of my spiritual program for many years. I have found that writing down five things I am grateful for each day, has changed my life. Instead of everything being about "having what I want," I now find myself "wanting what I have."

I've noticed that this can be a life saver for relationships. For instance, I have been known to complain about wanting more romance in my marriage. Many of my friends are the same way. They might say something like, "I just wish he would take me out, buy me little gifts, bring me flowers," and so on. What I have learned is that many of these guys actually do incredibly romantic and loving things that go completely unnoticed by their mates. When I mention this, these same friends wonder if I am really talking about their partners. So let me write a gratitude list for some of the things my husband does to give you an idea of what I am talking about:

• I am grateful that when I get out of bed each morning, there is a cup waiting for me in front of the coffee pot.
• I am grateful that he never goes to bed without kissing me goodnight.
• I am grateful that he takes me out for breakfast almost every weekend.
• I am grateful that he loves catching and cooking salmon for me, and to top it off he picks wild blackberries, and insists on making the pie himself.
• I am grateful that he is trying to find Buzz Lightyear pajamas on EBay as I write this, for our littlest grandson.

For men romance is often more about actions than words. It can be found in the things they do everyday to keep you safe and happy. What does your partner do for you that gets taken for granted? Try writing a gratitude list for the many ways they show their love that isn't about jewelry and flowers. See if you can see the everyday ways their love is given to you.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving,

Marquita

New Growth?

I am growing out my hair. Yeah, so what! Well for the last ten years or so there has been this dilemma. To dye or not to dye. Since my early thirties, there has been these creeping silver strands which have slowly infiltrated my brown hair. (Keep reading there will be a self growth analogy here eventually, I promise.)

First, I tried highlights, because I thought if I added lighter patches, the grey would blend in. Well after a while, I just looked washed out! So, about a year ago, I decided to go for the full dye job. My natural color of medium to dark brown was back. At first, I loved it. I felt younger and liked the way I looked in the mirror. But the more I covered up the reality of my own hair, the dryer and coarser it got.

Meanwhile, over this year, I have to admit I have been working hard on growing out my life. (See, I told you I'd get there!) When I finished Master Coach training, I had a plan for where I was going to go, and lord help anyone who got in my way. Then something happened that derailed me. It forced me to work on myself once again. You see, I was still at some level following the path that others had decided for me. Because I loved them, and wanted their approval, I mistakenly believed that we would continue to work and grow together and all would be right with the world. What I missed was that was not really where I wanted to go. To be my most authentic self, I needed to be willing to grow, and let my roots show, and allow the tender new growth space to develop.

Now I am feeling more me, and more on track than I've felt all year. There is no one but me deciding who I am, or what I should do with my life, and it feels damn good. The new growth is getting stronger and feeling more right every day. And so is my hair.

I was due for a color a few weeks ago, and my hairdresser was out of town. I was frustrated because my roots were showing, and I wasn't sure about the color coming out of my head! But by the time, I could see her, I just asked her to cut off the old dead ends. Now my healthy new growth, in my own beautiful color is coming through. I can't wait until the last of the dye is gone, and I can enjoy the beauty I see in just being me.

Talk with you soon,

Marquita

Why Don't They Just Behave the Way I Want Them To?

You may think that because I am a Life Coach, and since one of my specialties is relationship coaching, that I don't go through periods of discontent or wishing my partner would change! I am fessing up right now that this is not true and that I am very capable of falling back into old ideas, and wanting things to be different than they are.

For instance a couple of weeks ago, I was feeling like I was carrying the weight of our relationship on my shoulders. I decided that what I really needed to do was sit my husband down, let him know what I needed, and set him straight. Now being a life coach, I do know that how I am feeling is not about the other person, it is about my thinking. Before moving forward with my plan to get him on board with my ideas for how things should be done, I realized I might want to look at my own thoughts.

My brain was saying things like, "if he would just do more of this," and "if he would just behave more like that........I would be happier." Next I looked at how I was behaving when I believed these thoughts. What I saw was that I was not doing any of the things I wanted my husband to do! And when I was thinking he should be doing more, I was behaving resentfully towards him! I began to wonder what would happen if I behaved the way I wanted him to. So, I did just that. I stopped expecting him to be more loving and helpful, and I began being more loving and helpful towards him. Before I knew it, I was feeling better, and happier in my relationship!

So here's the moral of the story: Before you start telling others how they should behave, consider what it is you want. See if you can give that to yourself, and the other person. Notice how much better you feel!

If my husband only knew how often I didn't have to tell him what to do!

Until next time,

Marquita

Everything is Changing and That's Okay

The fourth square of the Change Cycle, is called The Promised Land. This refers to the times in our lives when we have went through the fog and difficult times of square one, the dreaming and adventure of square two, and the hard work of square three, and reach the shores of success in square four.

So then how is it possible that the mantra for square four is Everything is Changing and That's Okay? Well you see the dirty little secret is this. The four squares of the change cycle repeat themselves many times throughout our lives. Sometimes they even repeat themselves completely while you are traversing any one of the separate squares. I know!! This is not what I thought I wanted either. Let me explain why.

We live in a society that places a lot of emphasis on getting somewhere, and an even greater emphasis on the idea that we will be happy when we achieve whatever it was that we were striving for. However, the truth is that we are often disappointed when we get there, and aren't as happy as we think we should be. Then before we know it we fall back into the soup of square one and start all over again.

I'd like to propose a different course. What if instead of believing and thinking that we will be happy when we get to square four, we simply enjoy life and be present and authentic in every square? Hard to do? Maybe. Let's look at one of the most common examples of the change cycle all over the world, the four seasons. I like to ask people, what time of year is their favorite. Many people say spring because of the beautiful flowers, and the new growth, and the opening of new possibilities and ideas. Others immediately choose summer, because they love the sun and the playtime, and the chance to vacation. For me, my favorite time is the fall. I love the colors, and the crispness in the air, and the feeling of stepping back and drawing in for the winter. My son in law loves the winter. He loves all the things you can do in the snow.

Everyone I ask has a favorite and least favorite time of the year. The same is true for the change cycle. Some people love dreaming, some people like implementing, and some even like when they need to go deep and deal with emotions. As I have been moving through the change cycle over the last six months or so, I have tried to stay present and enjoy each part of it, without a thought about what to do in the end. This has been difficult because it goes against what I have been taught early in life. What I have found though, is that is can be very satisfying. I have enjoyed digging deeper into my old thoughts and beliefs, and became willing to be open to pain as well as joy. I have loved the dreaming and scheming (this is my favorite square of the change cycle), I have loved the hard work, although that is not always easy, and now I am sitting back and enjoying the fruits of my labor.

Even as I write this, I can see that there is another change and more cycles to come. So I am doing what I can to stay present here and now, and to welcome all that is yet to come. Care to join me?

Marquita

Back to the Relationship Realm for a Moment

I know that I have been blogging more about change and my own personal stuff of late, but I think it is time to fess up!! I have been struggling a bit with my relationship. Now don't go screaming out the door or anything, my marriage is fine, but it has growing pains occasionally.

What's happening is this. My husband got laid off from his job about four months ago. Yeah, I know, it sucks! Now financially we are good. He is getting unemployment and has some other resources, and my business couldn't be better. The issues are closer to home than that. You see, I work at home. This is my place of employment. I am my own boss, and I love my job. But there is this guy who seems to think he lives here, and at this very moment is in the living room watching a basketball game.

Can you see the problem? I now see why my neighbor, when her husband retired last year, immediately went out and got a job! We have talked about this, and he has tried to make himself scarce as much as possible and stay out of the office while I am working. He has had to put up with a lot of playing golf, and going fishing, and other tough sacrifices, to stay out of my hair. The problem really is not my husband. It's me!

You see I want it both ways! I don't want him around while I am working. In fact I want him to be out there working himself. I know that he thinks he's doing me a favor when he spends the day golfing, but I don't see it that way. So here's the deal. I have to work on me. Yep, back to that old standard. It is all about me.

Here is one of the thoughts I need to work on:

• My security is threatened if he isn't working.


• Is this true? No, we are actually doing well. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.


• How do I react when I think this thought? I get resentful and want him to fix it, even though he is doing all he can to find work and to keep busy around here. This makes things tense and uncomfortable for both of us.


• Who would I be without this thought? I would maybe go watch my college basketball team play in the playoffs right next to him. I would enjoy having more time with him and be more willing to play more myself.


• Turnarounds: My security is not threatened by my husband not working. My security is threatened by my thoughts about him not working. I am secure within myself.

Okay, got a basketball game to watch!

Until next time,

Marquita

This is Much Worse Than I Expected and That's Okay

I spent the whole month of February of dreaming and scheming. I told you! I love Square Two and would gladly build castles in the air to live in, and never come down.

What happened though, is after a while of dreaming and scheming things began to interfere and my dreams started to become reality. I wanted to do more speaking engagements, and the energy whipped through the universe, and I landed my first paid speaking gig. Then a radio program asked me to be on their show! Can you believe this stuff really happens? You begin dreaming and envisioning and creating vision boards and all of a sudden, "Holy Cow," it works.

Anyway, this threw me directly into Square Three. Martha Beck calls Square Three "The Hero's Saga." The reason for this is that often when your dreams come true, or you get what you asked for, then you begin a period of hard work. Now I like hard work as much as the next girl, but I have to be honest, I sometimes still prefer the dreamland!

So here's what happened. I began working very hard to get ready for these precious engagements. Then a lot of people decided they want life coaching right now. I got so busy I hit the wall. The wall is the mantra for Square Three, and that is This is much worse than I expected and that's okay.

The part of this mantra that is the most important of all is "that's okay." Sometimes I get bored with hard work. I forget how enjoyable it can be. The reason I forget is that I along with a lot of other people have developed a taste for instant gratification. We want what we want, when we want it. Just take a look at the current economic crisis to see what I am talking about. A lot of people, myself included, thought we could keep building on dreams that were based more on instant gratification, than anything real.

It's made me look back a little at how I managed before I was successful, and how I lived when there weren't options like credit cards and home equity in my life. What I did was work hard and focus on the joy of the work. I would play hard too. The thing is, I would do both things, work and play, with what was available to me at the time and that worked just fine.

So that's my plan here in Square Three. I will work hard. If something doesn't work and I am met with failure, I will explore other ways of doing what I want. I will work on my thoughts every day and remind myself that this is okay. Life is sometimes harder than we think. Sometimes it's easier than we think. Either way is okay.

I will talk with you all soon. Gotta go, work to do!

Marquita

There Are No Rules, And That's Okay!

Let's see. A couple of weeks ago I promised to talk with you the next week, about Square Two. There was just one little problem with that. I wasn't there! To be able to talk about where you are in the change cycle, it helps to be there!

So now a couple of weeks, and a lot of personal work and insight later, I am glimpsing Square Two. Life tends to be like the picture to the left. The road ahead appears straight, but ultimately there are always curves ahead. When you are moving into square two, you often find yourself changing things in your life. You might color your hair, or cut it all off. You might paint a room, or redecorate the whole house. Ideas begin to pop up about adventures you are considering, new careers seem plausible, and for some, a complete revamping of their whole life, flashes before there eyes.

One sign that I have been moving into Square Two is that I went shopping for light bulbs and came home with paint to color the walls of my guest room. Another sign is that I suddenly want to rewrite the novel I finished in November, and I am loving the creativity of my work.

Often people are better at some squares than others. Even though Square One is confusing and hard for some, there are those who enjoy the fog and seem to feed off of the continued pain and drama. For me, I really love Square Two! The mantra for this square, which Martha Beck talks about in Finding Your Own North Star, is There are no rules, and that's okay. This is the war cry of people like me, those Aquarius's who want to change the world, discover the answer, and traverse the wonders of the world on foot! It can be a lot of fun and is such a creative place that I could just set up housekeeping and stay for good.

If fact, right now I'm moving in. I've brought my books and computer, and all the material to create, and hopefully I will remember to come back to earth now and then and check in on my family and my business.

If any of you out there read this post, leave me a comment, so I will have to come back to ground to answer it.

Asta la vista,

Marquita

I Don't Know Where the Hell I'm Going and That's Okay!

I saw this picture and it reminded me of the "summer of my discontent." That was the summer about eighteen years ago where I was the closest I've ever come to wanting to give up. Believe me I am one stubborn woman and I have been through a lot, but I would hang on for dear life to outmoded ways, men, and bad habits, like they were a lifeline.

That summer my marriage was falling apart, my mother had died the January before, and I had no clue how I was going to make it. I had this vision of sitting on the porch of a mental institution somewhere, wearing a bathrobe, and doing absolutely nothing. Occasionally someone kind would stop by and bring me a cup of tea and that was the whole of my vision.

"Why am I bringing this up now," you ask? I am bringing it up because what I am describing above was Square One of the Change Cycle. The mantra for Square One, (according to Martha Beck in Finding Your Own North Star) is "I don't know what the hell is going on, and that's okay."

This last week or two, I have been visiting Square One again. It is a much mellower, less dramatic Square One, but it is Square One. This often happens when things change in our lives. It can be brought on by changes at work, national disasters, new relationships, and completion of goals. Anything that makes us question what we want and where we are going, can push us into Square One.

My visit this time is due to an amazing year! I became a Master Coach. I traveled a lot and had miraculous experiences. I began making a lot more money. I learned so much about myself that at this point I am wondering how much more to learn could there possibly be! What I forgot to do along the way was stop at a few crucial points and breathe and soak in my experiences. I just kept plunging into new territory and eventually found myself doing some work that I didn't love. I didn't hate it, but it did not resonate with me. My stubborn streak is still there and it took someone else deciding that it wasn't working for me, to make me willing to quit.

Again, I know you are probably wondering why I am telling you this! I am telling you this because this is the way life works. For all of us there are times when life happens, good or bad, up or down, and we find ourselves wondering where to go next. When you find yourself in Square One, there are some things you can do to help.

1. Be kind to yourself. Make sure you practice good self care. Don't forget to eat, sleep, and excercise.
2. Don't make huge changes or decisions if at all possible. Take baby steps. This is a time for slow easy moves.
3. Take time to be still and listen to your heart and body. They can tell you when you are ready to move ahead.
4. Seek support and guidance from friends and family. If you need more help than that, contact a Life Coach or Counselor.
5. Remember that you have survived, even thrived, through change before and will again.

I began listening to my own advice and can report that I am feeling much better about where I am. I am beginning to feel the excitement and creativity of Square Two. If you are wondering what that is about, I will write more next week.

Right now, I think I need a cup of tea!

Marquita

Happy New Year!

Ah, a new year, a new vista to look out into and wonder, what will I do this year? Will I write more? Will I play more? Will I love more? These are all good questions to ponder as this year fades into twilight and 2009 gets ready to be born.


I can take or leave the holidays, but there is something about a new year that reminds me of clean slates, missions accomplished, and lessons learned. One of my fellow Master Coaches Michele Woodward recently wrote an article suggesting that we write down twenty five things that we accomplished this year, and better yet that we write down twenty five things that we will accomplish in 2009. There is something magical about putting wishes and dreams into voice or the written word. They are much more likely to come true that way. You can probably tell that I am a dreamer, an optimist, a believer in the power of our energy and thoughts. This is a gift that my mother instilled in me from an early age.


My husband is a bit different. He lives more in the present. He looks for the obvious and believes what he can see. This morning at breakfast, I brought up the idea of coming up with a few things to accomplish in the next year. His response was, "I want to get a job." He has been laid off for a couple of months, so this is understandable. Being who I am, I said, "How about a job that you love, that pays well, and is close to home." My practical husband replied, "Those would all be great, but I think I will just start with a job."


So here is where the relationships skills come in. I said nothing. Yeah, can you believe it, nothing! I am a life coach to the core, and I was itching to jump in and work with him to change his thoughts and help him see that he really can go for the best, not just the average. But I didn't. Because I know that he is who he is, and he will get a job and he will be happy. My job as his wife is to support him and love him and encourage him to follow his dreams, not mine.


My hope is that I will do this more in 2009. What do you want to see in your life next year? Write it down, tell it to someone, or keep it tucked inside your heart. Best of all do what works for you.


Love,


Marquita

Juicy Stories I Have Written

I know that some of you may wonder where in the hell I have been the last month, and at times, I was wondering the same thing! Life for me is a series of learning and changing and growing. I keep challenging myself to learn and do, and to be willing to keep trying new things.

In the past I was more likely to want everything in my life to settle into a nice happy place with a loving partner and everyone would live happily ever after. I know you have heard that one before! But since I have become a Life Coach and began working on myself, and challenging my thoughts and beliefs, I seem to have opened up a huge well of creativity that continues to want to create more.

In the month of November I did something that I had never considered before. I joined the ranks of writers who take part every year at this time in the National Novel Writing Month. The idea was to write a 50,000 word novel in thirty days. I had been wanting to write more, and thought what's the worst that could happen, and so I dived in.

I hadn't thought much about writing a novel before I started on November 1st. Most of my writing has been non-fiction, either self-help or biography. When I began writing, my thoughts of course went to relationships and self-esteem. So, I began writing a trashy, adventure, romance novel. I must tell you that I enjoyed this immensely!! This type of writing allowed me to get in the heads of my characters and try to figure out what they would say or do next. I completed the 50,000 words at about 4pm on November 30th, and have been recovering ever since.

This is what I learned from this experience:

• If I decide to do something, anything is possible.
• That challenging myself to stretch further in relationships and creativity helps build my self esteem.
• That writing sexually charged dialogue and scenes can be good for a marriage!
• That I love to write in any form, and that more of these types of challenges are in my future.
• That challenging you the reader to stretch yourself, feels like the right thing to do at this moment.

What are you not doing that you wish you could? Do you have a dream or idea that you are putting off doing?

My challenge to you is find a way to take that first step today!! You will not regret it!

Marquita

Honoring You!

Today I have been thinking about honoring, as it is Veteran's Day. Whatever your thoughts on war, we can still honor those who made the choice (or someone else made it for them) to serve as soldiers and fight for this country. So, if you are a veteran or soldier, I honor you today.


This got me thinking about how often we honor ourselves and the relationships in our lives. When you reach a goal or do something important to you and your self confidence, do you honor that? When you see others you love make a difference in the world, do you honor them? When you see a country decide that it was time to stand up for itself, do you honor it?


Today, I'd like you to sit for a few minutes and consider the people, institutions, relationships, co-workers, loved ones that you would like to honor. Then ask yourself, what can you do today to give that small show of love and respect that will lift them up and help them continue?


Here is my honor roll today:

• I want to honor veterans and soldiers, present and past, who fought for this or any other country.


• I'd like to honor my daughter for making a choice to not work in a situation that makes her feel icky.


• I'd like to honor my husband for being able to laugh at himself in any situation!


• I'd like to honor my two and a half year old grandson who refuses to let anyone help him with absolutely anything these days. He will do it himself, thank you.


• Just as importantly, I want to honor myself for learning to stand up, to be willing to shine, and to help others learn to do the same.

Who do you want to honor today?

Marquita

Stand Up and Vote

In all the discussion we have been having about self esteem and standing up for yourself, I have to mention the ultimate in walking your talk, and that is by VOTING!

This election year more than any other has reminded me that what I believe counts. How my country behaves in the world and supports its people, is my business. If I want things to be different than I have to be willing to stand up and say YES or NO to what I feel is right.

Whether you are a life long voter or new to the process, I guarantee that you will feel a sense of satisfaction and unity by getting out and casting your vote.

If you think it won't make any difference, you can take a look here in Washington state. Last election our governor was elected by just over 100 votes. In a state with millions of people that is extremely close. If the same number of people had not exercised their right to vote, the outcome would have been different. The same race is just that close again this year.

So, get out and vote. Show yourself that you count by standing up for what you believe. Whatever your political affiliation, whatever your path, stating your case and honoring your choice by voting will help build your self esteem.

Thank You!

Marquita

Trick or Treat!

What you have been reading here, and being asked to do recently, is hard work! The hard work of becoming a person who loves and cares enough about themselves to stand up for what they need, even if that means standing up to their own thoughts.

Last week we talked about throwing a fit and letting go of anger. This week I want to talk about how to be kind to yourself and give yourself a treat for all your hard work. Today is Halloween, and I would like to suggest that today you call a moratorium on walking through fire, on tricking yourself in any way, and instead taking the day to relax and breathe.

This can be as hard for some people, as it is to be overwhelmed with things to do. So start with something you know you can do. That might mean something as simple as relaxing for 10 minutes while you take a break from work. For others, (I know you are out there!) who are good at gifting themselves with self care, go full out. If you are working today, can you take an hour and get a massage, or a manicure, or go for a walk in the park. Can you call some friends and do something relaxing with them tonight. For me, I am such a kid at heart, that I am taking the afternoon off and going to the local pumpkin patch with my grandkids. We will enjoy the corn maze, drink hot apple cider, launch some pumpkins and go for a hay rid. We will undoubtedly laugh a lot, eat something bad for us, and generally act like kids.

So, you have been working hard! The next step is to be willing to recognize that, and give yourself time to breath, and relax. What will you do? What do you deserve? How can you love yourself, by treating you today?

Love,

Marquita

Maybe It's Time to Throw a Fit!

I was talking with another coach and they mentioned that they had just threw a huge tantrum and it was a great way to get rid of unwanted emotions. Often when we are trying to walk through fire the emotion that comes up is not always sadness or grief, it is anger and frustration.

What better way to get past this than to let it out! Now I am not suggesting you immediately throw yourself on the floor and kick and scream (particularly if you are surrounded by co-workers or your family). What I am suggesting is that you have a private tantrum.

One of the ways I like to do this, is to get out paper and pen and just write a letter to whatever or whomever is really @#%$ing me off, and write down everything I would say to them if I could do it without repercussions. I don't send these letters, I often burn them afterward to enhance the walking through fire feeling. If you are more visual than that, a picture of your fit is another way to go. Imagine yourself with a paintbrush and bold colors like red and purple and painting all your emotions onto the paper. This is a glorious way to release!

For me, physical fits can be a great release. I used to have a wood stove in my house, and every weekend I would go out to my wood pile, pick up my splitting mall and chop all my frustrations away. Now I attend a workout class that includes martial arts, and it is amazing how some good punching and kicking can take my anger away. Any form of good physical exercise can be used to relieve anger. If you live near a beach, throwing rocks until you release all those pent up emotions is another good tool.

So my suggestion for this week is to have a tantrum. Pitch a fit. Release your anger about whatever is going through your life right now. Make sure that you don't do this in a way that harms another person or thing, because then you'll just have more things to work through!

I'd love to hear ideas for releasing your emotions that are creative and satisfying. Email me with any you have.

Take care,

Marquita

Fire Building Material

In my last post, I talked about being willing to walk into fire. This week, I want to talk a little more about what you will be using as fuel for this fire.

As we grow and change in our lives we find that there are a lot of twists and turns along the way. We may change our partners, careers, homes, bodies, and many other things as we get to wherever we are today. When we find ourselves making these big changes, especially ones where we feel pain, (think lost relationship here), we don't always wait until we have resolved all of our feelings of pain, or anger, or sadness, before we move on down the road.

What happens then, is that these feelings get buried deep inside us, and we use a variety of ways of not dealing with them. So to be able to walk through fire we need to take these out of their storage place, look at them, and feel them. So here is a simple way to begin finding fuel for your fire.

• Go back through your life and write down anyone you are angry with or sad about, or that you feel you have unfinished business with. These might be your parents, your exes, your bosses, maybe even your children. Just make a list of all these people.


• The next step is to look at each individual situation and write down how you are feeling about it. An example for me would be my ex partner. I left him when I was making a big change in my life and I didn't give him a chance to be a part of that change. Right now I feel sorry that I did that, sad that I wasn't able to be more open at the time, and regretful that he was hurt by my behavior.


• The next step is to sit with those feelings for as long as it takes to feel them. In my case, it doesn't take long, I have done this before and although there is still some sadness, it isn't a big issue today. For some big issues, it may take a while to feel all the feelings. Be willing to devote a small amount of time each day to do this, until you feel them all.


• Once you have done that, you need to ask yourself, "Is there any action I need to take to finish grieving or dealing with this person?" In my case, what I would like to do is talk with my ex partner about this, and let him know that I am sorry for what I did. I have not been able to locate him, and so I can do this symbolically. How do I do that? I can write him a letter and express my amends to him that way. I can then put the letter away, or burn it and then I need to let go of it.


• When there are things that need to be done to finish your grieving or deal with the pain, then do them. Do whatever it is until you feel that you are done with this person. You may not ever totally feel clean about everyone, but this is a good start.


• In her book Steering by Starlight, Martha Beck offers what she calls a simple prayer to end things with. This is when I would use that prayer. It is, "Thanks, I quit." What a great way to let go once you have worked through an issue and came out the other side of the fire!

So, my hope is that you will start that list today. Just write as many people on the list, and stop when you feel you are done for now. Then pick it back up tomorrow, and keep doing this until you have navigated your own personal ring of fire.

Marquita

Walking Through Fire

One of the reasons that it is difficult for people to stand up for themselves is they fear the consequences of living an esteemed life. What I mean by this, is that when you start being true to yourself, and you begin challenging the way things are in relationships, people often react in a negative way. This doesn't always mean they are bad people, or they shouldn't be in your life. It often means that they are scared of the changes you are making and worry about how it will affect them. So what happens is that both partners end up scared and fearful.

When this happens, it is important to be clear with those you love. Let them know that this is about being you and that you need to make these changes. It is equally important to let them know that you want them to be right there with you. When this works well, people get the opportunity to grow together and it benefits everyone concerned.

When this doesn't work well, and people decide that they are not going to accept change, than you can be left with the pain of loss, as well as the pain of growing. It often feels like becoming who you are means walking through fire. (Martha Beck calls this "The Ring of Fire" in her book Steering by Starlight). At this point many people decide they can't do it, and go back to their old way of life. They change their story to read something like this, "I tried to get what I wanted, but it didn't work, so I am stuck living this way." They can go telling that story for a very long time. Others begin to feel the pain, and instead of moving backwards, they stay stuck by finding ways to avoid, deny, or anesthetize the pain. They use behaviors such as overwork, smoking, drinking too much, and overeating. All of this is done so as not to feel the pain.

Neither of these ways of dealing with pain works well! In fact, both of these options can last far longer and be much more agonizing than actually feeling the pain. What does work well, is stepping into the fire. You may be thinking, "There she goes with those crazy ideas again. No way am I going to walk into pain!" Let me explain this course of action to you. When you decide to walk forward even if you are terrified, what happens is that you find something you may have lacked before. That thing is courage. You stand up straighter, you square your shoulders and you say, "Let me have it."

Then what occurs is pretty amazing. When you decide to accept and deal with the pain of loss in your life, and the pain of growing, and willingly walk forward in your life, your ability to gracefully feel, embrace and resolve pain is unbelievable. When you do this, the pain is processed, felt, released, and you move through it much quicker than if you try not to feel it, or to avoid it at all costs.

So here is my suggestion. Is there any pain, grief, or loss, that you are not dealing with at this moment? I want you to spend fifteen minutes a day over the next week, taking that pain or loss out and examining it. Look at it, describe it, feel it, embrace it, and release it in any way that feels right to you. This might mean crying, yelling, going to the beach and throwing rocks till your arms hurt, writing about it, using what works for you. Then I want you to let it go, until the next day. Let it go, and get up and keep moving towards your life. And then do it again the day after that.

I know you can do this.

Marquita