Fire Building Material

In my last post, I talked about being willing to walk into fire. This week, I want to talk a little more about what you will be using as fuel for this fire.

As we grow and change in our lives we find that there are a lot of twists and turns along the way. We may change our partners, careers, homes, bodies, and many other things as we get to wherever we are today. When we find ourselves making these big changes, especially ones where we feel pain, (think lost relationship here), we don't always wait until we have resolved all of our feelings of pain, or anger, or sadness, before we move on down the road.

What happens then, is that these feelings get buried deep inside us, and we use a variety of ways of not dealing with them. So to be able to walk through fire we need to take these out of their storage place, look at them, and feel them. So here is a simple way to begin finding fuel for your fire.

• Go back through your life and write down anyone you are angry with or sad about, or that you feel you have unfinished business with. These might be your parents, your exes, your bosses, maybe even your children. Just make a list of all these people.


• The next step is to look at each individual situation and write down how you are feeling about it. An example for me would be my ex partner. I left him when I was making a big change in my life and I didn't give him a chance to be a part of that change. Right now I feel sorry that I did that, sad that I wasn't able to be more open at the time, and regretful that he was hurt by my behavior.


• The next step is to sit with those feelings for as long as it takes to feel them. In my case, it doesn't take long, I have done this before and although there is still some sadness, it isn't a big issue today. For some big issues, it may take a while to feel all the feelings. Be willing to devote a small amount of time each day to do this, until you feel them all.


• Once you have done that, you need to ask yourself, "Is there any action I need to take to finish grieving or dealing with this person?" In my case, what I would like to do is talk with my ex partner about this, and let him know that I am sorry for what I did. I have not been able to locate him, and so I can do this symbolically. How do I do that? I can write him a letter and express my amends to him that way. I can then put the letter away, or burn it and then I need to let go of it.


• When there are things that need to be done to finish your grieving or deal with the pain, then do them. Do whatever it is until you feel that you are done with this person. You may not ever totally feel clean about everyone, but this is a good start.


• In her book Steering by Starlight, Martha Beck offers what she calls a simple prayer to end things with. This is when I would use that prayer. It is, "Thanks, I quit." What a great way to let go once you have worked through an issue and came out the other side of the fire!

So, my hope is that you will start that list today. Just write as many people on the list, and stop when you feel you are done for now. Then pick it back up tomorrow, and keep doing this until you have navigated your own personal ring of fire.

Marquita