The Discussion

I don't know about you but I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I have a feeling I am not the only one! As a result of this I have a hard time bringing up topics with people I care about that might be met with any kind of strong emotional response. In my last post I wrote about talking with your partner. In this post I want to give you an idea of a sample script for this discussion. This script is a good tool to use whenever you are getting ready to talk with anyone about a subject that can be scary or when you are bringing up an emotional or difficult issue.

The first thing to do when you need to talk with your partner, is spend some time really considering what you want out of the discussion. In letting your partner know about your End Game, you should already be fairly clear about what that is for you. The second step in the process is to find a time to talk, and to ask your partner to be a part of the process. This can be difficult, as just about every man I know, wants to run when they hear the words, "I think we need to talk". What I did, was wait until we were alone together in a comfortable place, and I knew we had time to discuss things. Then I said to my partner, "I'd really like to share some ideas with you, is this a good time to talk?" This phrase is a little less likely to provoke flight than the first one. Secondly, if they say that it is not a good time to talk, you can say, "I understand, when would be a good time?" Once you have agreed upon a time, than let the subject go until then.

When presenting something like an end game, I like to start the discussion by letting my partner know how important they are to me, and that my goal is to see our relationship grow over time. You can say something like this, "I want you to know that our relationship is very important to me, and I love you more all the time. I'm really interested in hearing your goals, plans, and hopes for this relationship." Use your own words, not mine, but something to let them know that you aren't wanting to point out where things aren't right, and that you really want to hear what they have to say. Sometimes it is hard to get your partner to talk much about his ideas. A phrase that I found that works is "Tell me more". If you are genuinely interested in what they have to say, they will be more willing to talk.

As I mentioned in a previous post, when I had this discussion with my now husband, he was clear that he wanted us to at least merge households, but the "M" word did not come up. This was where I needed to step out of my comfort zone and be clear about what I wanted. This is much easier when you have spent the time really working on yourself to be sure of your needs. When their idea of the future is different than yours a good way to begin talking is something like, "I too, would really like us to be able to come home to each other every day, but my idea involved a larger committment than moving in together, can we explore that idea?" or "It makes me happy that you want to get married and have kids, I am not sure that is where I am yet, can we discuss interim ideas?" Whatever their response, you will get farther by acknowledging their hopes and dreams, and then suggesting more exploration of the possibilities than just going straight into any "my way or the highway" discussions.

You and your partner may have a clear understanding of where your relationship is heading after that first discussion, and you may not, until much later on. Whatever the outcome, it is important that you keep being open and willing to see what the universe brings. Sometimes, we think we know exactly what we want and by being open and willing to share with someone, we end up with something far different and much better.

Take care,

Marquita

The Way Forward

Once you are clear on your End Game, it is important to share it with your partner. Again, I am assuming that this is a relationship that has been building for some time, and not brand new. Even if you know before you ever date someone that your long term goal is marriage and children, it is not a good idea to bring this up on the first date!! Or second or even the tenth. Building a relationship takes time and needs to be somewhat free flowing. Otherwise you may find that the relationship becomes derailed by expectations about where it is going.

However, once you have a built a relationship and figured out your End Game, it is good to discuss this with your partner. I know this can feel risky, and is often difficult to bring up. So there is another step before the discussion. This step is being ready for what your partners End Game might be. Sometimes you already have a good idea from talking and getting to know each other what your goals in life are. Still you might want a committed long term relationship and he may want to continue a more open relationship, or maybe just the opposite. One of the things I found helpful was to consider what I would do if my choices for the future were completely different than my partner's. I was clear that when we talked, I wasn't at the point where I wanted to make any sort of ultimatum.

In fact, let's talk for a minute about ultimatums. When I was struggling in a previous relationship a wonderful woman I knew, who had been married for over twenty years told me to never make ultimatums in relationships unless I was absolutely prepared to follow through with the consequences. This was great advice. I told my partner at the time, that I wasn't going to make an ultimatum to him, unless I absolutely was sure I meant it. And considering where the relationship was headed (straight down the toilet!), he knew I was talking about splitting up. He agreed that if and when I came to the decision, he would willingly leave because he knew I meant it. This was a lot better way to do things, then when I would get frustrated and ask him to leave and then give in and take him back later!!

So when I was ready to present my End Game to my partner, I really thought long and hard about what I wanted, and what I would do if his future was compatible with mine, and what I would do if it was not. When I did discuss the future with him, I was clear about what I wanted, and I was also clear that if he wasn't thinking along the same lines, that I would be just fine. I also let him know that I was still wanting to continue our relationship as it was, until such a time as we decided either together or individually that it was no longer working for us. Quiet authority works better than ultimatums anytime!

Next time I will talk about how to script this discussion for those of you who have never done anything like this. It can help to have a clear plan before this big step.

Marquita

The End Game

Once you have met someone who you are attracted to, and want to have a long term relationship with, it is good to consider what your End Game is. What I mean by this is what are your hopes and goals for the future. Not everyone wants to end up married, or monogamous for that matter. Look at the relationship of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, they have chosen as their End Game to be who they are as individuals and not get married, but to enjoy each other as long as they want.

For me, the End Game I wanted was marriage. I wanted the security, monogamy, and commitment of matrimony. When I started getting to this point in my relationship, I wanted to be clear of what I wanted. My past history had shown me that if I wasn't clear, I might not get anything near what I wanted. (I also want to say that I had been married in the past, but to people who were definitely did not have what I wanted in a relationship, so once I found someone with the right qualities, I knew I would do whatever I could to make it work.)

I had been in a couple of long term (if you consider four or five years long) relationships prior to meeting my husband. In both of these relationships, I had gone into them without considering the End Game. I dated for a period of time, then we moved in together, and then after around four years we split up. One of the things I found was that it was easy for us to split up when we weren't married, and that marriage was hard to commit to when you had every thing but the marriage certificate already.

When I started looking at the End Game this time, I knew that I did not want to live with my partner without the commitment of marriage. I did not want to break up with him, if he wasn't ready for that commitment yet, but we would need to keep our home lives separate, and keep dating, until we either decided to make that commitment, or decided to move on. When we had been dating for a couple of years, and skirted the issue of where the relationship was going a few times, I decided it was time to let my partner know what my hopes for the future were. Now, I know that many women feel that this is up to the man to do, but many men and especially nice guys often need the subject broached for them.

So I asked him is we could talk about our future, and he brought up the need for us to live in the same place. At that point, as difficult as it was I let him know where I stood. I let him know I loved him and wanted to be with him, but did not want to live with him without the commitment of marriage. Thankfully, my partner was happy that I wanted that kind of commitment, and we got engaged about four months later.

So your assignment this week is to consider your End Game. Is marriage what you want, or would you prefer something more free flowing? Do you see yourselves living in the same house or staying in separate residences? Are there children in your future, or are you happier with your Labrador retriever? What does your relationship look like in five years, ten years, twenty years? Begin taking a few minutes a day to visualize the possibilities until you have an idea of where you want to go, and next time we will talk about making it happen.

Marquita

On Vacation!!

Hi All, I am going on vacation this week so I won't be doing a formal post. However, I am looking at a challenge on vacation. We are going to spend a week in Oregon and California with my husband's family.

This is somewhat scary for me, as I haven't met some of the relatives we are staying with. I am going to need to use all my own coaching tools this week to make sure I stay authentic, and true to who I am. So I hope you all have a great week, I know I will too, just a little pre-vacation nerves. I will write when I return!! Marquita

A Word About Mystery!

What's the next stop the road to having a fantastic relationship? If you've met someone, you are having a good time, and you are doing well at being authentic and setting boundaries, then the next step is be a little mysterious. Again, I want you to be authentic, don't be someone you are not, but I find that to hold a person's attention, it is a good idea not to give all of yourself right up front. Men in particular really like to be the pursuer in a relationship. What I am suggesting is let them!

I know that if you have waited a long time getting ready to be in a relationship, and especially if that biological clock is ticking, it is hard to go slow. Many of you want to have him hog tied, and on the road to marriage and babies withing a short period of time. I think you'll have a better chance of this happening, if you don't lay all your cards on the table. Remember my earlier post about desperation, this may be a good time to reread it, if you are feeling the urge to push the relationship too fast.

I found that if I wasn't always available, and had plenty of interests and pleasures in my life, that I had a certain mystery about me. My future husband kept coming back time after time, because I let him pursue me for quite a while. As we got to know each other more, I slowly let him into other parts of my life. What I tried to do for myself throughout the first year we dated, was to really enjoy myself and be authentic when we were together, and to not be invested in the outcome. By that I mean not concentrating too hard on whether we would end up together for the long haul.

By doing this, I allowed our relationship to unfold in a way that made me feel safe, to trust him, and to really be open and ready for a long term commitment. By not being fully available to him, whether it was about dating or about sex (which by the way can be really hot, if you keep it mysterious for a while), or about getting too involved in each others families, I allowed myself to have the security I needed. By the time I was ready to tell him I loved him, and move into a much more serious phase of our relationship, we had built up a good friendship, as well as a relationship. This may not have happened, or we might have not even stayed together, if I had jumped in with both feet from the beginning.

So my suggestion this week is to allow yourself a little time and mystery in your relationship.

Marquita

Boundaries, Did She Say Boundaries?

I just read over my last post, and I was wondering if the word boundaries struck a chord with anyone? I know that most of you have worked hard to love yourself first, and in doing that have set some good boundaries along the way. Sometimes when we are faced with a new relationship, it becomes a whole new ball game where boundaries are concerned.

One coaching trick that I find works well for setting boundaries is the Body Compass, designed by Martha Beck, PhD. Our bodies are great predictors of what is right for us. They can also be used as an easy lie detector, but that is another story. To use the Body Compass takes some practice. To get skilled at using it, try to do it often.

1. First, picture an event in your past that has been painful for you. Close your eyes and focus on this event. Then check out your body and see what you feel. Is there tightness anywhere. Are you feeling tired, or sore in any part of your body? Do you feel like you can't breathe or can't talk? Notice whatever you are feeling in your body, and what it feels like for you.
2. Now picture an event from the past that was very happy for you. Again close your eyes, and remember everything that happened. How is you body feeling now? Does it have more energy, feel lighter, and freer? Notice whatever your body is feeling when you remember this happy event.
3. Once you get used to knowing the difference between how your body feels when you are happy and when you are unhappy, you can use the Body Compass in any situation.
4. When you are faced with a situation that is uncomfortable, and you are not sure whether you should set a boundary, or what that boundary should be, you can use this exercise. First don't make any quick decisions. Let your partner know that you need time to think about what you need to do.
5. When you are alone and have had some time apart, check in with your body about the choices before you. Your body will ALWAYS feel more energetic, and freer when you are making a choice that is right for you.

Our happiest times are usually when we are being our most authentic self. Our unhappiest times are often when we are trying to fit the mold that someone else has designed for us. You can learn to be authentic and to have a relationship that is loving and right for you.

Marquita

Oh My God! I Met Someone!

Okay, so let's say you meet someone, and you are interested in seeing where it will go. What now? First of all you need to really be clear on what you want. Is this person someone who is relationship material? Remember that list you made of the qualities you wanted? Take a look at it, and see if they have what you are looking for. If they have some but not all of the qualities, it might be worth dating them a few times to see where it might lead. If they obviously have qualities that you don't want, and few of the qualities you do want, don't continue seeing them. I can hear you going, "What? I spent all this time looking and now I find someone who I'm attracted to, and you say I should let them go?" Yes, I am saying you should let them go, unless you are capable of having a completely fun, expectation free, relationship with them. Because if you give up what you really want in a relationship to pursue someone who is not right for you, you will end up back here reading my first blog again. Save yourself the heartbreak!

If the person you have met has many of the qualities you want in a relationship, then move ahead and date them. Remember in my post about Internet dating when I talked about setting the tone for your date. Well I want you to continue doing that. Let me explain in a few short sentences what I mean by setting the tone.

1. Take things at a speed that works for you. If you want to go out for coffee, and he wants to take you away for the weekend, go out for coffee. Someone who really likes you will respect your boundaries in dating. If they don't, they may not be right for you.
2. Be open to new possibilities however. Say he wants to take you to the opera, and you would rather go to a Nascar race. Be open to the opera, and suggest a race another time.
3. Take intimacy slowly. I know, again you are going to think I am a prude. I happened to come of age in the 70s, and was a part of that whole do your own thing generation, and have never been pegged as a prude in my life. But what I found is that if I respect myself and take intimacy at a pace that works for me, when we do become intimate, it is much more satisfying.
4. If a person treats you in anyway that is not acceptable to you, you need to let them know that their behavior is not acceptable. If a person is really interested in you, they will be willing to listen, and they will respect your boundaries. If they do not, then let them go.

Alright that is enough to think about for now. I know that these are hard steps to take, so let me sum it up in a few words. Check in with yourself on a regular basis to see how you are feeling, and let the relationship unfold in a way that feels good to you.

Marquita