Breathing Space

Just before I began writing this post, my husband called. He was letting me know when he would be home because we are going to a concert together this evening. I asked about dinner and he said "Maybe we can pick up some drive through on the way." I replied, "I think we'll have time to sit down somewhere." I could sense him getting tense and his reply was curt. I recognized that his "on time or two hours early" sensor had gone off. My first reaction was to get tense back, but then I relaxed and suggested we decide later. How did I relax? By breathing.

Breathing is often dismissed by most as something that just happens with very little input from us. We breathe, we live. But as I become more conscious of how I want to be, with myself and others, I find stopping to breathe can solve many problems. For instance, I know someone who has just broken up with her boyfriend, and she can't stop thinking about him, can't stop trying to change things, can't do anything. My suggestion to her was to take a couple of deep breaths and relax into her grief. Why, because when we are willing to do that the pain moves through much more easily, and we become stronger. She followed this suggestion, and took a few breaths, had a good cry, and realized that she can handle the situation.

The other place where breathing works is in following our intuition. This morning while walking my dogs, I lost my keys. Usually this wouldn't be a big problem, as I rarely go off road. Today was different. I took my critters through a large field, over a trail through some brush, and then up a logging road in the woods. When I got home, and reached for my keys to unlock the door they were gone. I panicked a little. I took off to retrace my steps and the first time I went back over the path, I hurried and worried. Then, I stopped. I realized what I wasn't doing, which was stopping and breathing. I took a couple of much needed breaths, and asked the universe and my instincts to help me out. Going back over my path a second time, I slowed down and paid attention. When I got to this spot that my dog had balked at going over on the first walk through, she balked again. I noticed this time, and looked down, and their magically were my keys. I had completely missed them when I was going hurriedly through and not paying attention.

Breathing can solve many situations, from anxiety and frustration, to reconnecting with out intuition. Do you have anything going on that is upsetting, or disturbing you right now? Well, take a couple of deep breaths, and relax into whatever it is, you will find the answer.

Take care,

Marquita

Everything is Changing and That's Okay

The fourth square of the Change Cycle, is called The Promised Land. This refers to the times in our lives when we have went through the fog and difficult times of square one, the dreaming and adventure of square two, and the hard work of square three, and reach the shores of success in square four.

So then how is it possible that the mantra for square four is Everything is Changing and That's Okay? Well you see the dirty little secret is this. The four squares of the change cycle repeat themselves many times throughout our lives. Sometimes they even repeat themselves completely while you are traversing any one of the separate squares. I know!! This is not what I thought I wanted either. Let me explain why.

We live in a society that places a lot of emphasis on getting somewhere, and an even greater emphasis on the idea that we will be happy when we achieve whatever it was that we were striving for. However, the truth is that we are often disappointed when we get there, and aren't as happy as we think we should be. Then before we know it we fall back into the soup of square one and start all over again.

I'd like to propose a different course. What if instead of believing and thinking that we will be happy when we get to square four, we simply enjoy life and be present and authentic in every square? Hard to do? Maybe. Let's look at one of the most common examples of the change cycle all over the world, the four seasons. I like to ask people, what time of year is their favorite. Many people say spring because of the beautiful flowers, and the new growth, and the opening of new possibilities and ideas. Others immediately choose summer, because they love the sun and the playtime, and the chance to vacation. For me, my favorite time is the fall. I love the colors, and the crispness in the air, and the feeling of stepping back and drawing in for the winter. My son in law loves the winter. He loves all the things you can do in the snow.

Everyone I ask has a favorite and least favorite time of the year. The same is true for the change cycle. Some people love dreaming, some people like implementing, and some even like when they need to go deep and deal with emotions. As I have been moving through the change cycle over the last six months or so, I have tried to stay present and enjoy each part of it, without a thought about what to do in the end. This has been difficult because it goes against what I have been taught early in life. What I have found though, is that is can be very satisfying. I have enjoyed digging deeper into my old thoughts and beliefs, and became willing to be open to pain as well as joy. I have loved the dreaming and scheming (this is my favorite square of the change cycle), I have loved the hard work, although that is not always easy, and now I am sitting back and enjoying the fruits of my labor.

Even as I write this, I can see that there is another change and more cycles to come. So I am doing what I can to stay present here and now, and to welcome all that is yet to come. Care to join me?

Marquita

This is Much Worse Than I Expected and That's Okay

I spent the whole month of February of dreaming and scheming. I told you! I love Square Two and would gladly build castles in the air to live in, and never come down.

What happened though, is after a while of dreaming and scheming things began to interfere and my dreams started to become reality. I wanted to do more speaking engagements, and the energy whipped through the universe, and I landed my first paid speaking gig. Then a radio program asked me to be on their show! Can you believe this stuff really happens? You begin dreaming and envisioning and creating vision boards and all of a sudden, "Holy Cow," it works.

Anyway, this threw me directly into Square Three. Martha Beck calls Square Three "The Hero's Saga." The reason for this is that often when your dreams come true, or you get what you asked for, then you begin a period of hard work. Now I like hard work as much as the next girl, but I have to be honest, I sometimes still prefer the dreamland!

So here's what happened. I began working very hard to get ready for these precious engagements. Then a lot of people decided they want life coaching right now. I got so busy I hit the wall. The wall is the mantra for Square Three, and that is This is much worse than I expected and that's okay.

The part of this mantra that is the most important of all is "that's okay." Sometimes I get bored with hard work. I forget how enjoyable it can be. The reason I forget is that I along with a lot of other people have developed a taste for instant gratification. We want what we want, when we want it. Just take a look at the current economic crisis to see what I am talking about. A lot of people, myself included, thought we could keep building on dreams that were based more on instant gratification, than anything real.

It's made me look back a little at how I managed before I was successful, and how I lived when there weren't options like credit cards and home equity in my life. What I did was work hard and focus on the joy of the work. I would play hard too. The thing is, I would do both things, work and play, with what was available to me at the time and that worked just fine.

So that's my plan here in Square Three. I will work hard. If something doesn't work and I am met with failure, I will explore other ways of doing what I want. I will work on my thoughts every day and remind myself that this is okay. Life is sometimes harder than we think. Sometimes it's easier than we think. Either way is okay.

I will talk with you all soon. Gotta go, work to do!

Marquita

There Are No Rules, And That's Okay!

Let's see. A couple of weeks ago I promised to talk with you the next week, about Square Two. There was just one little problem with that. I wasn't there! To be able to talk about where you are in the change cycle, it helps to be there!

So now a couple of weeks, and a lot of personal work and insight later, I am glimpsing Square Two. Life tends to be like the picture to the left. The road ahead appears straight, but ultimately there are always curves ahead. When you are moving into square two, you often find yourself changing things in your life. You might color your hair, or cut it all off. You might paint a room, or redecorate the whole house. Ideas begin to pop up about adventures you are considering, new careers seem plausible, and for some, a complete revamping of their whole life, flashes before there eyes.

One sign that I have been moving into Square Two is that I went shopping for light bulbs and came home with paint to color the walls of my guest room. Another sign is that I suddenly want to rewrite the novel I finished in November, and I am loving the creativity of my work.

Often people are better at some squares than others. Even though Square One is confusing and hard for some, there are those who enjoy the fog and seem to feed off of the continued pain and drama. For me, I really love Square Two! The mantra for this square, which Martha Beck talks about in Finding Your Own North Star, is There are no rules, and that's okay. This is the war cry of people like me, those Aquarius's who want to change the world, discover the answer, and traverse the wonders of the world on foot! It can be a lot of fun and is such a creative place that I could just set up housekeeping and stay for good.

If fact, right now I'm moving in. I've brought my books and computer, and all the material to create, and hopefully I will remember to come back to earth now and then and check in on my family and my business.

If any of you out there read this post, leave me a comment, so I will have to come back to ground to answer it.

Asta la vista,

Marquita

I Don't Know Where the Hell I'm Going and That's Okay!

I saw this picture and it reminded me of the "summer of my discontent." That was the summer about eighteen years ago where I was the closest I've ever come to wanting to give up. Believe me I am one stubborn woman and I have been through a lot, but I would hang on for dear life to outmoded ways, men, and bad habits, like they were a lifeline.

That summer my marriage was falling apart, my mother had died the January before, and I had no clue how I was going to make it. I had this vision of sitting on the porch of a mental institution somewhere, wearing a bathrobe, and doing absolutely nothing. Occasionally someone kind would stop by and bring me a cup of tea and that was the whole of my vision.

"Why am I bringing this up now," you ask? I am bringing it up because what I am describing above was Square One of the Change Cycle. The mantra for Square One, (according to Martha Beck in Finding Your Own North Star) is "I don't know what the hell is going on, and that's okay."

This last week or two, I have been visiting Square One again. It is a much mellower, less dramatic Square One, but it is Square One. This often happens when things change in our lives. It can be brought on by changes at work, national disasters, new relationships, and completion of goals. Anything that makes us question what we want and where we are going, can push us into Square One.

My visit this time is due to an amazing year! I became a Master Coach. I traveled a lot and had miraculous experiences. I began making a lot more money. I learned so much about myself that at this point I am wondering how much more to learn could there possibly be! What I forgot to do along the way was stop at a few crucial points and breathe and soak in my experiences. I just kept plunging into new territory and eventually found myself doing some work that I didn't love. I didn't hate it, but it did not resonate with me. My stubborn streak is still there and it took someone else deciding that it wasn't working for me, to make me willing to quit.

Again, I know you are probably wondering why I am telling you this! I am telling you this because this is the way life works. For all of us there are times when life happens, good or bad, up or down, and we find ourselves wondering where to go next. When you find yourself in Square One, there are some things you can do to help.

1. Be kind to yourself. Make sure you practice good self care. Don't forget to eat, sleep, and excercise.
2. Don't make huge changes or decisions if at all possible. Take baby steps. This is a time for slow easy moves.
3. Take time to be still and listen to your heart and body. They can tell you when you are ready to move ahead.
4. Seek support and guidance from friends and family. If you need more help than that, contact a Life Coach or Counselor.
5. Remember that you have survived, even thrived, through change before and will again.

I began listening to my own advice and can report that I am feeling much better about where I am. I am beginning to feel the excitement and creativity of Square Two. If you are wondering what that is about, I will write more next week.

Right now, I think I need a cup of tea!

Marquita

Happy New Year!

Ah, a new year, a new vista to look out into and wonder, what will I do this year? Will I write more? Will I play more? Will I love more? These are all good questions to ponder as this year fades into twilight and 2009 gets ready to be born.


I can take or leave the holidays, but there is something about a new year that reminds me of clean slates, missions accomplished, and lessons learned. One of my fellow Master Coaches Michele Woodward recently wrote an article suggesting that we write down twenty five things that we accomplished this year, and better yet that we write down twenty five things that we will accomplish in 2009. There is something magical about putting wishes and dreams into voice or the written word. They are much more likely to come true that way. You can probably tell that I am a dreamer, an optimist, a believer in the power of our energy and thoughts. This is a gift that my mother instilled in me from an early age.


My husband is a bit different. He lives more in the present. He looks for the obvious and believes what he can see. This morning at breakfast, I brought up the idea of coming up with a few things to accomplish in the next year. His response was, "I want to get a job." He has been laid off for a couple of months, so this is understandable. Being who I am, I said, "How about a job that you love, that pays well, and is close to home." My practical husband replied, "Those would all be great, but I think I will just start with a job."


So here is where the relationships skills come in. I said nothing. Yeah, can you believe it, nothing! I am a life coach to the core, and I was itching to jump in and work with him to change his thoughts and help him see that he really can go for the best, not just the average. But I didn't. Because I know that he is who he is, and he will get a job and he will be happy. My job as his wife is to support him and love him and encourage him to follow his dreams, not mine.


My hope is that I will do this more in 2009. What do you want to see in your life next year? Write it down, tell it to someone, or keep it tucked inside your heart. Best of all do what works for you.


Love,


Marquita

Trick or Treat!

What you have been reading here, and being asked to do recently, is hard work! The hard work of becoming a person who loves and cares enough about themselves to stand up for what they need, even if that means standing up to their own thoughts.

Last week we talked about throwing a fit and letting go of anger. This week I want to talk about how to be kind to yourself and give yourself a treat for all your hard work. Today is Halloween, and I would like to suggest that today you call a moratorium on walking through fire, on tricking yourself in any way, and instead taking the day to relax and breathe.

This can be as hard for some people, as it is to be overwhelmed with things to do. So start with something you know you can do. That might mean something as simple as relaxing for 10 minutes while you take a break from work. For others, (I know you are out there!) who are good at gifting themselves with self care, go full out. If you are working today, can you take an hour and get a massage, or a manicure, or go for a walk in the park. Can you call some friends and do something relaxing with them tonight. For me, I am such a kid at heart, that I am taking the afternoon off and going to the local pumpkin patch with my grandkids. We will enjoy the corn maze, drink hot apple cider, launch some pumpkins and go for a hay rid. We will undoubtedly laugh a lot, eat something bad for us, and generally act like kids.

So, you have been working hard! The next step is to be willing to recognize that, and give yourself time to breath, and relax. What will you do? What do you deserve? How can you love yourself, by treating you today?

Love,

Marquita

Maybe It's Time to Throw a Fit!

I was talking with another coach and they mentioned that they had just threw a huge tantrum and it was a great way to get rid of unwanted emotions. Often when we are trying to walk through fire the emotion that comes up is not always sadness or grief, it is anger and frustration.

What better way to get past this than to let it out! Now I am not suggesting you immediately throw yourself on the floor and kick and scream (particularly if you are surrounded by co-workers or your family). What I am suggesting is that you have a private tantrum.

One of the ways I like to do this, is to get out paper and pen and just write a letter to whatever or whomever is really @#%$ing me off, and write down everything I would say to them if I could do it without repercussions. I don't send these letters, I often burn them afterward to enhance the walking through fire feeling. If you are more visual than that, a picture of your fit is another way to go. Imagine yourself with a paintbrush and bold colors like red and purple and painting all your emotions onto the paper. This is a glorious way to release!

For me, physical fits can be a great release. I used to have a wood stove in my house, and every weekend I would go out to my wood pile, pick up my splitting mall and chop all my frustrations away. Now I attend a workout class that includes martial arts, and it is amazing how some good punching and kicking can take my anger away. Any form of good physical exercise can be used to relieve anger. If you live near a beach, throwing rocks until you release all those pent up emotions is another good tool.

So my suggestion for this week is to have a tantrum. Pitch a fit. Release your anger about whatever is going through your life right now. Make sure that you don't do this in a way that harms another person or thing, because then you'll just have more things to work through!

I'd love to hear ideas for releasing your emotions that are creative and satisfying. Email me with any you have.

Take care,

Marquita

Walking Through Fire

One of the reasons that it is difficult for people to stand up for themselves is they fear the consequences of living an esteemed life. What I mean by this, is that when you start being true to yourself, and you begin challenging the way things are in relationships, people often react in a negative way. This doesn't always mean they are bad people, or they shouldn't be in your life. It often means that they are scared of the changes you are making and worry about how it will affect them. So what happens is that both partners end up scared and fearful.

When this happens, it is important to be clear with those you love. Let them know that this is about being you and that you need to make these changes. It is equally important to let them know that you want them to be right there with you. When this works well, people get the opportunity to grow together and it benefits everyone concerned.

When this doesn't work well, and people decide that they are not going to accept change, than you can be left with the pain of loss, as well as the pain of growing. It often feels like becoming who you are means walking through fire. (Martha Beck calls this "The Ring of Fire" in her book Steering by Starlight). At this point many people decide they can't do it, and go back to their old way of life. They change their story to read something like this, "I tried to get what I wanted, but it didn't work, so I am stuck living this way." They can go telling that story for a very long time. Others begin to feel the pain, and instead of moving backwards, they stay stuck by finding ways to avoid, deny, or anesthetize the pain. They use behaviors such as overwork, smoking, drinking too much, and overeating. All of this is done so as not to feel the pain.

Neither of these ways of dealing with pain works well! In fact, both of these options can last far longer and be much more agonizing than actually feeling the pain. What does work well, is stepping into the fire. You may be thinking, "There she goes with those crazy ideas again. No way am I going to walk into pain!" Let me explain this course of action to you. When you decide to walk forward even if you are terrified, what happens is that you find something you may have lacked before. That thing is courage. You stand up straighter, you square your shoulders and you say, "Let me have it."

Then what occurs is pretty amazing. When you decide to accept and deal with the pain of loss in your life, and the pain of growing, and willingly walk forward in your life, your ability to gracefully feel, embrace and resolve pain is unbelievable. When you do this, the pain is processed, felt, released, and you move through it much quicker than if you try not to feel it, or to avoid it at all costs.

So here is my suggestion. Is there any pain, grief, or loss, that you are not dealing with at this moment? I want you to spend fifteen minutes a day over the next week, taking that pain or loss out and examining it. Look at it, describe it, feel it, embrace it, and release it in any way that feels right to you. This might mean crying, yelling, going to the beach and throwing rocks till your arms hurt, writing about it, using what works for you. Then I want you to let it go, until the next day. Let it go, and get up and keep moving towards your life. And then do it again the day after that.

I know you can do this.

Marquita

Walking Your Talk

Last week I asked you to think about the times in your life when you haven't stood up for yourself. This included times when you were the one who was pushing yourself down, and not living the way you wanted.

This week I want to talk more about what to do when you feel as if others are holding you back, pushing you down, or not allowing you to grow and change. So, what do you do then? Good question. I don't want you to think there is always an easy answer. Sometimes it takes time to get to the place where you are ready to change, and ready to risk the fallout of being authentic and true to yourself.

The first thing I want to ask this week is, are you ready to move forward? Are you at that point where you know that if you do not do this, that you are consciously choosing a jail sentence, a death sentence, a slow erosion of everything you stand for? Okay, I am being dramatic. What I know is the more sure you are that you are ready, the easier it is to move forward. So if where you are is still more comfortable than changing, stay there. Do nothing. Wait until you are ready, and then move ahead.

If you are ready to move ahead, here are a few suggestions on how to begin:

1. First spend some time thinking about what you want and becoming clear on your needs. For example, if you want to get an education or go to school and your partner or parents are not enthusiastic. Think about exactly what you want to do, explore ways of doing it, and explore the costs and financing available. When you know all you need to know, it is much easier to be clear with others.
2. Once you have clarity on what you want to do, ask yourself if you can move ahead with your plan without the help and support of others. In the example above, can you go to school without support from your parents or partner? If this is true then it is simple to move on to the next step. If it is not true, how can you make it true? Can you do something to get in a position to do this without help. If so, do it. Now you can move to the next step.
3. Present your plan to the interested parties. Ask your partner or parents to sit down with you and share your plan with them. Start with something like this, "I have decided to go to college. Here is my plan. (Detail where you are going, and what you are majoring in, and your plans to follow through and pay for it). I am excited to be doing this and will keep you posted on my progress." If they start finding reasons you can't go, or telling you you shouldn't, simply answer with, "I understand you feel that way. I am confident I can do this without your support." Whatever you do, don't get into an argument, or let them feel they have control over whether you follow through or not.
4. The final step is just doing it. Walk your talk. Act as if. Follow through with your plans and don't let them spoil it for you. If you find that they are constantly interfering and trying to stop you from moving forward, there is a simple way of letting them know that won't work anymore. Take a couple of deep breaths, look them in the eye, and say, "I plan on moving ahead with this. It is very important to me. I would like to have you as a supportive person in my life. I understand that may not be possible right now. So, I will simply do this without that support." And then do it.

We will keep working on this. It is not easy, but I know you can do it.

Take care,

Marquita

Self Esteem 101

What makes someone feel good about themselves? How is it that some people seem to radiate self assurance in such a way that we are drawn to them, and want to feel the way they do?

Why am I asking these questions? Good question! One of the things I have always said is that to have the best relationships whether they are at work, at home, or at play, is to love ourselves first. My definition of self esteem is self love.

I recently listened to a CD by Caroline Myss on self esteem and I really love her take on what this is, and how to get more of it. Myss suggested that every problem in the world from a single relationship to global wars are caused by lack of self esteem. Her idea is that whenever someone feels there is a power imbalance there can be conflict.

Okay maybe that is a little more than you want to read in a relationship blog! But Myss's ideas about how we lose and how we build self esteem are worth looking at. She suggests this:

To build self esteem we need to take a close look at our daily lives. First, we need to look at how many times we let others take our power by not standing up for ourselves in some way. Second, we need to look at how many times we do something that puts another person down, or hurts them in any way. This is not for the faint of heart, because until you start looking, you may not realize how many times one or the other of these things happen. To really love who you are, it is vital to begin looking at how this happens in your life, and start the process of changing those two areas. I know that sounds like a huge bit of work, so I am going to suggest you do one small thing this week to start the process.

Each time we commit to doing something for ourselves, however small, and stick with it, we show our spirit that we care about ourselves and our esteem grows. Let me give you an example. Let's say you want to be more fit, and you decide to walk every day. If you follow through with this, you feel better about yourself and your esteem grows. However, if you start doing what is good for you and don't follow through, you let yourself down, and your esteem goes down.

To begin building self love for yourself, I want you to think about one small thing you can start today to create self esteem. Make sure that it is small enough, and doable enough that you will keep doing it no matter what. If you do this, I guarantee your esteem will start growing because you will trust yourself to do something good for you.

Go on, give it a try. What do you have to lose?

Marquita

I am Me, You are You, and We are All Together

It was just Independence Day here in America, and it got me thinking about love and independence rather than co-dependence. When I was learning about love and how to be a whole person, I had this idea that two people would meet, come together and form a whole. That belief led me to accept a lot of unacceptable things and to stay in relationships I should have never entered into in the first place.

What I learned in my journey to wholeness, is that I need to be able to depend on myself. I need to know that whatever happens in my life and my relationships that I will be okay. Really loving yourself is about being good with or without someone. Really loving someone else is wanting them to feel the same way, and allowing them to be who they are in life.

My husband and I are going on trips this year without each other. He is going fishing in Alaska, and I am going to Costa Rica with my granddaughter. We were talking about this over coffee this morning and I mentioned that I would be in Central America during hurricane season. He began joking about getting more life insurance for me, and we had a good laugh about it. The truth is I know he would be heart broken if something happened to me, but then he would heal and be all right because we don't have a co-dependent relationship. I wouldn't want it any other way.

I like the way love and indepencence is writtten about in this poem by Kahlil Gibran:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Happy Loving,

Marquita

The River

Last week I was on a trip with a bunch of women friends and we went river rafting. This is something I do every year, and I am always amazed by how much I love the river and the joy of running rapids and working together with a group to keep the raft upright and not end up in the water.

As I was considering writing this post, it dawned on me that running the river is a great metaphor for life and relationships. This is what I mean by that statement:

Making the choice to go river rafting is not an easy one. You need to be open to new things, you have to like the outdoors and the adventure, and you need to be able to trust yourself and the people you are with. Often when we are going through life, there are people and situations that we are not open to and we don't trust ourselves or them and we choose not to take that ride.

Once you decide go rafting, you need to gear up and learn what you need to do to stay afloat. This means that you don a life jacket, a helmet, and sometimes a wet suit. In life you take on protections in the form of boundaries to keep you safe as you move through life. Then you need an education. In rafting that is learning how to listen to your guide and when to paddle and when to hold on.

Once you begin the journey, there is no way to go but follow the river. Sometimes you float along peacefully and there is not a lot required of you. Sometimes you find rapids that require you to listen to your guide, to do your part to keep the raft on course, and enjoy the feel of the river flowing over you.

Occasionally someone comes out of the raft and if you do, you need to lean back, point your feet downstream and let the river take you until you can be picked up. If someone is in the water, you may need to rescue them. This is accomplished by grabbing their life jacket and falling backward into the raft and pulling them in on top of you! I find in relationships, if you become derailed by something, just moving forward and doing the next indicated thing is often the best advice. Then at some point, you find yourselves grabbing on to each other and ending up on top of each other again. And then you laugh, and breathe, and move on down the river.

So how do you want your life and relationships to flow today?


Marquita

What If.......

What if you you are in a difficult relationship and you have tried to work things out, and things just stay the same, and you can't let go?

This is a question I hear all the time. The answer is you stay and keep working on yourself and let the outcome work itself out. You are probably wondering why you can't fix this. I always wanted to find the easy way out and I am living proof that there isn't one. I remember asking a mentor once, "Why do I keep walking back into the same old problems over and over again?" Her reply was simple, and very wise. It was "You'll do it til you don't."

There are definitely things that can be done to work on a relationship through counseling and coaching and sometimes religion or spirit. If both people are willing to work together, things can and do get better. The problem occurs when only one person wants to change things and the other doesn't, or isn't willing to participate in working things out.

When this is where you are at, the best option is to seek help or guidance for yourself. Often there is no easy answer, and that is when you have to choose to stay and feel your feelings and work through your truth to get to the answer that is right for you. Only then can you make a decision that feels peaceful. When you have done all that you can, and worked through your issues and know exactly what you want, the future becomes clear and the path is laid out for you.

I never tell anyone to stay or go in a relationship. The truth is those answers are ones that people must figure out for themselves. I have seem brave souls who have stayed and loved and worked on their relationships in such an amazing manner, and been awed by their ability to keep going until they got to the place they were meant to go. It is a joy to be a relationship coach and be a witness to the beauty of watching someone figure it out, and step into their right life. I intend to keep doing it for a long time!


Take care,

Marquita

Spider Love

Have you ever been the fly in a case of spider love? You know what I mean, its when it seems like you are being held captive in a web of sweet words, and carefully taken care of, and then when you least expect it the other shoe drops. It is the kind of love I like to call crazy making. It is where the person is often charismatic and exciting and you fall hard and fast for them, and then when they know they have you, they suddenly start eating you in slow, painful fashion.

I know this sounds terribly dramatic, and not like much fun. However in my coaching practice and my experience I have met people who do exactly what I have described. And the funny thing is, the other person, the "victim" of the spider keeps walking right back into the web. Why is this?

This is because many of these so called spiders are either sociopaths or narcissists. They are often smart, they know exactly what a woman (or man) wants to hear. They treat you better than you have ever been treated in your life, and they draw others to them exactly like flies to a web. When they are sure you are truly deeply involved, they begin testing the waters with small betrayals, to see if you will let them get away with it. If you tend to be insecure about your boundaries, they will see this and begin to try bigger and bigger betrayals. When you call them on it, a spider love will always find a way to suggest you brought it on yourself. They will say something like, "I didn't want to hurt you, but I had to because of (insert something you did to make them do it here)" or they will say, "I love you more than life itself, I didn't mean it, It'll never happen again," and what's worse they are so convincing people fall for it.

Why am I bringing this up here? Because if you are in a relationship with someone like this, I want you to know there is help. You are not crazy! There is no good reason for a person ever to be hurt over and over again by someone who doesn't have the capacity to love anyone but themselves. I'd like to tell you that you can fix spider love. However, I have yet to see a case where it worked out to happily ever after.

The hardest thing about being caught in the web of spider love, is that it is extremely difficult to extricate yourself. Spiders try to hold on to their prey at all costs. These are the kind who harass, stalk, cajole, try to bribe, wine and dine, and do anything to stop people from leaving. The truth is that they don't really care about the person leaving, it is that they cannot stand being left. It is once again about them and not you.

I keep trying to tone this post down, make it sound better, leave a happier note. The happy note is this. You can decide to take care of you and love yourself. You can decide to be true to you, and to have the life you want. You can be strong and get the love you want. I am here to help you, and there are lots of others who are willing to help to.

Marquita

Spring Break

It is time to give yourself a break! Yes, YOU.


When was the last time you spent time with yourself and enjoyed just being?


I was asking myself the same question earlier this week. I have (supposedly) taken the week off. My granddaughters are here as they are out of school for the week and usually spend time with me during breaks.


I have a lot of work that is also due this week, consequently the word supposedly. I have learned a few tools along the way for relaxing even during times when we are busy or have obligations to meet.


Here are a few of them:

• Every day I get up a half hour earlier than I need to. This half hour is all mine. I get a cup of coffee, curl up on the couch and do nothing for the full length of time.

• When I have to get some work done, I allow myself time to play first. This makes the work go a lot faster when I am feeling like my needs are met.

• Make a list of all you have to do for the day and then Bag It, Barter It, or Better It.

• Bag It means: Is this something that is really necessary for me to do today or at all? If the answer is no, then don't do it, Bag It.

• To Barter It means: Can someone else do this for me? What do I need to do for them in exchange? If someone else can help, then Barter It.

• To Better It means: Is there some way I can make this project more fun, or easier to do. If so, then Better It.

• Lastly if you can't take the whole week off, then take at least one day during the week where you do only what you feel like doing. I am doing this tomorrow, as I am going to the coast and spending time with family, and just relaxing.

This week, where can you use some of these tools to make your life more peaceful and relaxing for you? Or better yet, what tools do you already use to do this? And how can you use them this week?

Marquita

Resetting the Clocks!

Tonight is the night we have to set our clocks forward to begin Daylight Savings Time here in the Pacific Northwest. This got me thinking about our own internal clocks and how difficult it can be to change them.

I have always been more of a night person than a morning person. Well, that isn't exactly true. Once I am up and have had my daily dose of caffeine I enjoy mornings and have a lot of energy.

In the past I have always stayed up until 10 or 11pm on weeknights and preferred to roll out of bed around 6:30am. On weekends, I would stay up late and often sleep in and enjoy the extra time to relax. That may not sound like a night person to you, but compared to my husband, it qualifies! He prefers to be up before the crack of dawn, go to work early, come home early, and be in bed by 9pm every night.

This is a huge improvement over when we first met. Until I met him, I had never been in a relationship where we were what I would like to call "Time Challenged."

What is a time challenged relationship? For me it was one where I was finding it hard to end up in bed with my husband when we were both awake. This made it hard for us to find time for sex, and even just to cuddle in bed. When we first got married, I wasn't sure this was going to work for us. He would go to bed before I did, and get up before I did. My staying up later would bother him and, his getting up earlier would bother me!

Something had to change if we wanted to get enough sleep. My husband took a while to understand how important it was to work this out so we could both be happy. When it got to the point where I suggested separate bedrooms, he saw how serious I was. What we have done over time is move closer to each other in our schedules. He now goes to bed an hour later than he used to, and I go to bed an hour earlier, and we both end up in bed about the same time.

I have talked with other couples about what they do when they are Time Challenged. For those who can't find a way to get their schedules the same, because of different shifts, the challenges of children, and other unfortunate circumstances, the idea of having a room of their own can be a good idea. Sometimes this can even add some excitement to a relationship because they look forward to when they can get together.

Whatever your time challenges are, my suggestion is to be honest with each other and find creative ways to find intimacy and get the rest you need. What works for you? I would love to hear comments from anyone who has some experience with time issues.

Marquita

Soul Mates

One of the reasons I decided to work on myself and learn how to have better romances, was because of a bad break-up with a man who felt very much like a soul mate.

In my coaching I find that these relationships are the hardest to get over and the hardest to understand why they didn't work. Why is it that some people meet a person who feels like home, and it works, and for others it doesn't?

I really don't know the answer to that. I am not sure there is an easy one. For me personally it was because I still had a "Broken Picker." I was still picking people who had addictions, and were wrong for me in many ways. I did learn a lot from this relationship about how much I could love someone, and still love myself enough to let them go. Difficult as this was, it set me on the path of becoming the person I am today and I am very grateful for that.

This last week I was reading the book Eat Pray Love by Elisabeth Gilbert and I found a great passage about soul mates. I am going to share it with you here:

"And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's hard for me to get over this guy is because I believed (he) was my soul mate"

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is you perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But live with your soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for that."

I like this explanation. It fits right in with what happened to me. So if you are grieving the loss of a "soul mate" maybe this passage will give you comfort and set you on the path to finding yourself.

Marquita

Happy Valentine's Day

This is my valentine to you. I want to tell you how amazing each and every one of you are. If you don't believe this, consider reading on and see if what I say might change your mind.

First of all, you are here trying to find love for yourself and for others and that is one of the most difficult and honorable things anyone can do in their lifetime.

It is made even more difficult when you consider the odds of being open to love and at sometime in this life getting your heart broken because of that openness. Yet you find ways to learn how to stay present, to be authentic to yourself and others, and to let others into your life.

Being human in a world full of magic and spirit is sometimes like rowing a boat with a soup ladle. You move forward in your lives a little and often slip downstream and lose ground. Yet, being human, there is this part of you, that with resilience and sometimes just plain stubbornness, gets up each morning and walks out in to this world and says "What can I do today?" "How can I keep moving and learning in how to love others today?"

And finally you keep loving yourself. Being true to who you are is what makes you capable of being able to love others. When you don't know how to do this, you ask for help. You wouldn't be reading this post if you were'n't asking for help for yourself. Asking for help is the essence of self love.

Happy Valentines Day!

Love,

Marquita

Lets Talk About Attraction

The Law of Attraction is on my mind this week. I actually had an opportunity to be picked to go on the Oprah Winfrey show if I had a unique story about the Law of Attraction. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided I wasn't sure if I had a unique story, or that I could be "Oprah ready" in a couple of days when they wanted to tape! But it did get me thinking about this principle. I know many of you have read books like The Secret and a lot of what I have been writing about in the last few posts is about attraction. When I suggest ideas such as visualizing your ideal mate or life, and talk about things like Wildly Improbable Goals, what I am really talking about is the principle of attraction. Being sort of ADD in the way my mind links from one thing to the next it was inevitable that I would eventually get to attraction and relationships.

What is it that attracts people to each other? I know that for me when I was struggling with my broken picker, I seemed to gravitate to men who were similar in looks and in behavior, and it wasn't usually good behavior! When I learned to love myself first, and then figured out the qualities I wanted in a relationship, I attracted a very different type of person. What is really attractive about my husband is his sense of humor and his integrity. I also love that he is an outdoor guy and we enjoy a lot of the same activities.

How did I attract this different sort of person to me. First of all, by being the type of person I wanted to attract. I wanted someone who was dependable and hardworking, so I became dependable and hardworking. I wanted someone who was outdoorsy and knew how to have fun, so I enjoyed the outdoors in many different ways and had a blast doing things I enjoyed. I wanted someone who was truly available to be in a relationship, and so I became that way myself. It is much easier to attract the type of person you want if you treat yourself the way you want to be treated and work on being the ideal you.

It also helps to believe that you will attract the type of person you want. If you go around thinking "It might work for others, but it won't work for me", then you are right it won't. So right now I want you to do two things:

• First write out a short descriptive paragraph that contains all the qualities you think are necessary for the person you want to be with. Don't forget to add some fun things too, not just serious, but maybe you want a guy who tells great jokes or make the best pies you ever ate, and loves his dog too.

• Now rewrite the statement starting with the words, "I am in a wonderful relationship with a partner who" and then add all those qualities after this. The statement has to be written as if it is already happening.

That's it. Now keep that paragraph somewhere. Take it out every so often and read it out loud if possible, and see what happens. Let's see who you can attract into your life.

Let me know what happens,

Marquita