What Sends You to the Moon?

Yesterday, I was literally floating on air! I think I went so high as to feel I was walking on the moon. This is the feeling I get when I am living the life that feels so right to me, I almost can't stand how good it feels. As I spend more of my time doing work that I love, and having relationships that actually work, the more often I have to pinch myself to make sure it's real.

To be honest, I don't feel this way everyday! Just a couple of days ago, I was cranky, tired, and wondering how to make sure I got through the day without causing irreparable damage in any of my relationships.

In the past, when my life wasn't working very well, I used to tell the people around me, "I'm not fit for human consumption today, so be aware that if you get too close, I might bite."

The one thing I have learned in life is that there will be highs and lows, with a lot of "life's pretty good" in between. What I need for all these situations is tools to deal with whatever comes my way. Here's what I have found works for me:

• I start each day with a routine that works whether I wake up feeling great, or I wake up wondering how I am going to get through the day. I have some time for me, I drink really good coffee, I walk, whatever the weather, with my dog, and I eat a good breakfast.
• I read at least one good meditation book and list five things I am grateful for everyday.
• I have at least a couple of people I can call and talk with whether I feel wonderful, or I feel like dog doo-doo.
• I let people know who I am. This is really important for relationships. I don't pretend anymore that life is always okay. If I am struggling or soaring, my partner, family, and confidants know the real me. I don't take my moods out on them, I am just honest about where I am, and this allows them to be open and honest with me.
• I am coachable on a daily basis. I don't know all the answers, and when I need help, I coach myself, I get coached by others, and sometimes I get coached by someone I talk to in the supermarket who doesn't even know they are sharing their wisdom with me.
• I work hard every day to be open to what life has in store for me. If I close up and am not open, I miss everyday opportunities to learn and grow.

This is what works for me. It may not work for you. I am willing to bet that you know what will work to ground you everyday, so that you can start off on the right foot, and some ways to pull you back to earth when you float too far into the atmosphere. Take a moment to consider this, and ask yourself, "What can I do each day to lay the groundwork to live my most awesome, stellar life?" And then, do it. Put it into action today, and see what happens.

Marquita

The Importance of Dates

Whether you have been married 50 years or you just met last week, the importance of dating can't be stressed enough. Dating is a wonderful way to get to know someone, even if you already have known each other a long time.

Why is this? It is because when two people decide on an activity together, they are committed to sharing that time with each other. It brings the focus of both participants on being together and doing something they enjoy.

This may seem unnecessary in a long term romance. The truth is, the world today is full of distractions. We are distracted by silly things like work, children, money, home, family. Okay these are not silly, but they do distract us. Often relationships get put way down on our list of have-tos, and end up getting pushed to the back burner.

The other thing that is great about dates is that they can be about anything. I am an outdoor girl and although I love a good movie and dinner, I like to try different outdoor activities. One of the things that kept me coming back when I was dating my husband was because our dates often happened outdoors. We played golf, went fishing, went clam digging, hiking, and many other nature based activities.

Sometime it's fun to try something new, so be open to new things, and find adventure in dating! If you are single and meet someone, try thinking of something different than the standard date. This can keep people coming back for more.

If you are in a long term relationship, is there something new you both could try to add surprise and joy to your next date?

Let me know where you end up!

Marquita

Cleaning Out the Cobwebs

The weather has been warming up and as the sun begins shining through my windows for the first time in a long time, I am beginning to see all the dust and spider webs that have accumulated this winter.

Sometimes our relationships need to be dusted off and the cobwebs swept, so that they don't become stale and lose their luster. My plan for this weekend is to spend a little time airing out my marriage and shining it up a little.

I have been so busy lately that it seems my husband and I have been going so many different ways that we haven't had much time for romance or spending time with each other.

We are both somewhat low maintenance as a rule. He is pretty secure in who he is and is able to take care of himself and his needs when I am busy. I am also good alone, and don't need to be constantly attended too. The problem with this, is that when we get busy, we don't get enough time together.

When this happens, it is important that we talk, and remind ourselves how much we love each other. One thing we always do is eat dinner together and talk about our day. When we get a free evening, we see a movie or take a long walk together and make sure that we don't put making love on the back burner.

If you are in a relationship, does it need some dusting off and sprucing up? How about a date night? Go out, spend time together, and make out like high school kids.

If you are not in a romance, how is your relationship with you? Do you need to call some friends and make a date to go out dancing, see a ball game, go camping?

Relationships require tending, just as flowers or pets do. If you are seeing dust and cobwebs and weeds, how can you tend to your relationships this week?

Marquita

Spring Break

It is time to give yourself a break! Yes, YOU.


When was the last time you spent time with yourself and enjoyed just being?


I was asking myself the same question earlier this week. I have (supposedly) taken the week off. My granddaughters are here as they are out of school for the week and usually spend time with me during breaks.


I have a lot of work that is also due this week, consequently the word supposedly. I have learned a few tools along the way for relaxing even during times when we are busy or have obligations to meet.


Here are a few of them:

• Every day I get up a half hour earlier than I need to. This half hour is all mine. I get a cup of coffee, curl up on the couch and do nothing for the full length of time.

• When I have to get some work done, I allow myself time to play first. This makes the work go a lot faster when I am feeling like my needs are met.

• Make a list of all you have to do for the day and then Bag It, Barter It, or Better It.

• Bag It means: Is this something that is really necessary for me to do today or at all? If the answer is no, then don't do it, Bag It.

• To Barter It means: Can someone else do this for me? What do I need to do for them in exchange? If someone else can help, then Barter It.

• To Better It means: Is there some way I can make this project more fun, or easier to do. If so, then Better It.

• Lastly if you can't take the whole week off, then take at least one day during the week where you do only what you feel like doing. I am doing this tomorrow, as I am going to the coast and spending time with family, and just relaxing.

This week, where can you use some of these tools to make your life more peaceful and relaxing for you? Or better yet, what tools do you already use to do this? And how can you use them this week?

Marquita

Steering by Starlight

This week I have been joyously reading the new book by Martha Beck, Steering by Starlight. In this book Martha goes where no coach has gone before and it is fabulous.

There are many tools in the book for living the life you want. One of the first exercises in the book is a great one to adapt for use in relationships. You can use this when you are looking for a partner or when you are already involved with someone and find yourself wanting them to fulfill all your needs.

There are three parts to this exercise:

• The first part is to ask yourself, "What do I want from a partner right now?" For example, some people may want to feel loved, or cared for. Just write down what you want from either your current partner or a future partner.
• The second part is to picture yourself getting what you want. For example, if you want to feel loved, picture what that feels like. Now write down the feeling you get, when you have what you want.
• The third part is to ask yourself, "How can I get this feeling now?" If you are in a relationship, it may be as simple as asking for more time together. If you are not, you need to be creative. Do you have a pet you can cuddle with? A friend who will come over? A Teddy Bear to love?

These tools can help you get your needs met, without waiting for some future that doesn't exist. One of the best parts of working on yourself and meeting your own needs, is that other people find it very attractive, and who know where that might lead!

Take care,

Marquita

Love's Crazy Quilt

In my last post, I wrote about time challenged relationships. It seems that since that post, my life has been time challenged! I want to publish a new post each week, and I am recommitting to doing that, as my life becomes more crazy.


This week I would like to talk about another kind of crazy, the crazy quilt of patterns that can occur in our relationships and our lives. The more I work with people who are healing their love lives and figuring out what is most authentic for them, the more I find that we tend to create a pattern in our relationships.


My pattern when I was out there in relationship hell was to find men who on the one hand were exciting, adventurous, and funny, and on the other hand were lost, sometimes abusive, often addicted, and not good long term relationship material. I would meet men who were kind, loving and hardworking, but I tended not to stay with them long.


These issues became the pattern of my relationships. When I took the time to write about each relationship and look at what happened, both good times and bad, I found a familiar pattern. It was even predictable after a while. There would be a couple of squares of excitement and fun, and then a dark square of abuse and addiction. When I would add in a nice guy, there might be a mellow and peaceful square.

• If you have already made a list of your relationships and looked at what happened in each, my suggestion is looking for the patterns.

• Do they always start the same way, or end the same way? Are there periods where the pattern has shifted?

• Do the patterns remind you of other close relationships, such as those with one or both of your parents?

Once you recognize the patterns it is much easier to work on changing them, or doing something different, so that the patterns change. The patterns in my life shifted as I recognized something different. The squares of abuse and addiction started to come less often and eventually disappeared. The squares of peace and fun continued to multiply and grow. Now, my love quilt, has an occasional "We really need to have a good fight square!", and a lot of enjoying out lives together squares.

If you drew a pattern for your crazy quilt of love, what would it look like? What can you start doing today, to make the pattern work better for you? Whatever it is, start doing that!

Marquita

Resetting the Clocks!

Tonight is the night we have to set our clocks forward to begin Daylight Savings Time here in the Pacific Northwest. This got me thinking about our own internal clocks and how difficult it can be to change them.

I have always been more of a night person than a morning person. Well, that isn't exactly true. Once I am up and have had my daily dose of caffeine I enjoy mornings and have a lot of energy.

In the past I have always stayed up until 10 or 11pm on weeknights and preferred to roll out of bed around 6:30am. On weekends, I would stay up late and often sleep in and enjoy the extra time to relax. That may not sound like a night person to you, but compared to my husband, it qualifies! He prefers to be up before the crack of dawn, go to work early, come home early, and be in bed by 9pm every night.

This is a huge improvement over when we first met. Until I met him, I had never been in a relationship where we were what I would like to call "Time Challenged."

What is a time challenged relationship? For me it was one where I was finding it hard to end up in bed with my husband when we were both awake. This made it hard for us to find time for sex, and even just to cuddle in bed. When we first got married, I wasn't sure this was going to work for us. He would go to bed before I did, and get up before I did. My staying up later would bother him and, his getting up earlier would bother me!

Something had to change if we wanted to get enough sleep. My husband took a while to understand how important it was to work this out so we could both be happy. When it got to the point where I suggested separate bedrooms, he saw how serious I was. What we have done over time is move closer to each other in our schedules. He now goes to bed an hour later than he used to, and I go to bed an hour earlier, and we both end up in bed about the same time.

I have talked with other couples about what they do when they are Time Challenged. For those who can't find a way to get their schedules the same, because of different shifts, the challenges of children, and other unfortunate circumstances, the idea of having a room of their own can be a good idea. Sometimes this can even add some excitement to a relationship because they look forward to when they can get together.

Whatever your time challenges are, my suggestion is to be honest with each other and find creative ways to find intimacy and get the rest you need. What works for you? I would love to hear comments from anyone who has some experience with time issues.

Marquita