Walking Your Talk

Last week I asked you to think about the times in your life when you haven't stood up for yourself. This included times when you were the one who was pushing yourself down, and not living the way you wanted.

This week I want to talk more about what to do when you feel as if others are holding you back, pushing you down, or not allowing you to grow and change. So, what do you do then? Good question. I don't want you to think there is always an easy answer. Sometimes it takes time to get to the place where you are ready to change, and ready to risk the fallout of being authentic and true to yourself.

The first thing I want to ask this week is, are you ready to move forward? Are you at that point where you know that if you do not do this, that you are consciously choosing a jail sentence, a death sentence, a slow erosion of everything you stand for? Okay, I am being dramatic. What I know is the more sure you are that you are ready, the easier it is to move forward. So if where you are is still more comfortable than changing, stay there. Do nothing. Wait until you are ready, and then move ahead.

If you are ready to move ahead, here are a few suggestions on how to begin:

1. First spend some time thinking about what you want and becoming clear on your needs. For example, if you want to get an education or go to school and your partner or parents are not enthusiastic. Think about exactly what you want to do, explore ways of doing it, and explore the costs and financing available. When you know all you need to know, it is much easier to be clear with others.
2. Once you have clarity on what you want to do, ask yourself if you can move ahead with your plan without the help and support of others. In the example above, can you go to school without support from your parents or partner? If this is true then it is simple to move on to the next step. If it is not true, how can you make it true? Can you do something to get in a position to do this without help. If so, do it. Now you can move to the next step.
3. Present your plan to the interested parties. Ask your partner or parents to sit down with you and share your plan with them. Start with something like this, "I have decided to go to college. Here is my plan. (Detail where you are going, and what you are majoring in, and your plans to follow through and pay for it). I am excited to be doing this and will keep you posted on my progress." If they start finding reasons you can't go, or telling you you shouldn't, simply answer with, "I understand you feel that way. I am confident I can do this without your support." Whatever you do, don't get into an argument, or let them feel they have control over whether you follow through or not.
4. The final step is just doing it. Walk your talk. Act as if. Follow through with your plans and don't let them spoil it for you. If you find that they are constantly interfering and trying to stop you from moving forward, there is a simple way of letting them know that won't work anymore. Take a couple of deep breaths, look them in the eye, and say, "I plan on moving ahead with this. It is very important to me. I would like to have you as a supportive person in my life. I understand that may not be possible right now. So, I will simply do this without that support." And then do it.

We will keep working on this. It is not easy, but I know you can do it.

Take care,

Marquita

Standing Up!

In my last post, I began a discussion on building self-esteem in order to better love ourselves. I want to continue this with how to stand up in situations where we find it difficult.

First, what do I mean by standing up for ourselves. Most of us can relate to this in situations where we are being bullied in our relationships at home or at work. There are many places where we don't stand up for ourselves that may be much more subtle, and sometimes we put our own constraints on our self without anyone else being involved.

For example, when I married my husband there was a point in the first year of our marriage where I decided consciously that "I can just sit back now and work at the hospital and quit looking for adventures and just keep doing the same thing until I can retire." My husband never suggested this to me. But I was putting these brakes on myself because I was now secure and it seemed what I was "supposed" to do.

Thinking about this situation, I have to laugh at myself because it so ridiculous if you really know me. Here I was pushing myself down and no one was asking me too. Not too long after this I sought help from a support group and it wasn't long before I began following my heart and began coaching and finding every adventure I can! So fast forward to this year, when my business and my career have taken off and I was feeling that I wasn't getting the support I wanted from by husband. We talked about this and he was scared about security, and whether I would be able to accomplish all I wanted. I agreed with him that he had the right to be scared, but I told him "this is something I am going to do because I love coaching, and creating, and traveling, and although I love you, I can't give up myself for anyone." Fast forward again until now, and it's clear to both of us that my business is successful and my husband is more and more supportive all the time.

Last week I asked you to commit to doing one small thing for yourself and stick with it to build self esteem. This week, I'd like you take a look at where you push yourself down and stuff yourself away and don't stand up to others or your own thoughts. All I want you do is begin to look at these and next week I will expand more in how to stand up for yourself with others.

Until then,

Marquita

Self Esteem 101

What makes someone feel good about themselves? How is it that some people seem to radiate self assurance in such a way that we are drawn to them, and want to feel the way they do?

Why am I asking these questions? Good question! One of the things I have always said is that to have the best relationships whether they are at work, at home, or at play, is to love ourselves first. My definition of self esteem is self love.

I recently listened to a CD by Caroline Myss on self esteem and I really love her take on what this is, and how to get more of it. Myss suggested that every problem in the world from a single relationship to global wars are caused by lack of self esteem. Her idea is that whenever someone feels there is a power imbalance there can be conflict.

Okay maybe that is a little more than you want to read in a relationship blog! But Myss's ideas about how we lose and how we build self esteem are worth looking at. She suggests this:

To build self esteem we need to take a close look at our daily lives. First, we need to look at how many times we let others take our power by not standing up for ourselves in some way. Second, we need to look at how many times we do something that puts another person down, or hurts them in any way. This is not for the faint of heart, because until you start looking, you may not realize how many times one or the other of these things happen. To really love who you are, it is vital to begin looking at how this happens in your life, and start the process of changing those two areas. I know that sounds like a huge bit of work, so I am going to suggest you do one small thing this week to start the process.

Each time we commit to doing something for ourselves, however small, and stick with it, we show our spirit that we care about ourselves and our esteem grows. Let me give you an example. Let's say you want to be more fit, and you decide to walk every day. If you follow through with this, you feel better about yourself and your esteem grows. However, if you start doing what is good for you and don't follow through, you let yourself down, and your esteem goes down.

To begin building self love for yourself, I want you to think about one small thing you can start today to create self esteem. Make sure that it is small enough, and doable enough that you will keep doing it no matter what. If you do this, I guarantee your esteem will start growing because you will trust yourself to do something good for you.

Go on, give it a try. What do you have to lose?

Marquita

On Vacation!

One of the best ways to have good relationships is take care of yourself. To that end, I am on vacation and will resume my blogging with new vigor when I return later this month.

I hope that you are taking the time this summer to relax and play and soak up the sun. I love this time of year, and I am working on recharging my engines and loving life.

Talk to you soon, Marquita

"He's Still a Guy"

This morning I got up and the song "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith was stuck in my head. The reason for this was that last night I watched a video about this lion who was raised by a couple of guys, and then let back into the wild. The guys went to see the lion after a year, and were told he wouldn't recognize them. The lion was so happy to see them that he was literally hugging and licking them and so excited to be reunited with his people. The song that was playing in the video was "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." It was all very beautiful and heartwarming.

As I was drinking my coffee, (which my husband had poured and ready for me as I stumbled out of the bedroom), my husband said that he had the song "I'm Still a Guy" by Brad Paisley stuck in his head. This song has a verse that reads:

I don't have highlights in my hair,

I've still got a pair,

I'm still a guy!

These two songs stuck in our heads as we start out day are a great symbol of the differences between men and women! I'm thinking of this beautiful song about not wanting to fall asleep because I might miss some of this great love, and he's thinking about a song that reinforces his manhood!

What I love about this is that I wouldn't have it any other way. He can be the hunter gatherer that he is, he can prefer action movies to chick flicks, and he can be all the things that make him a man. When it comes to men it usually isn't about romance and frills. It is about providing and laughter and physical needs.

My husband expresses his love by pouring that coffee for me in the morning, by fixing a great steak on the barbecue, and by kissing my chap stick off every night. So when you are wishing your partner was more romantic or giving, pay close attention to what they do. What they do is much more important than what they say any day!

Marquita

Horse Play

I'm in love! Don't tell my husband, but yesterday, I began the most amazing relationship with a horse. What's more, I don't even know her name. I just know that she and I joined up in an amazing way during a leadership training with Koelle Simpson the owner of the Gift of Equus.

"What does this have to do with relationships?" you ask. Everything. What Koelle teaches is that nonverbal communication is a much bigger part of relationships than verbal communication. In our relationships we might say the right things and do the right things, and yet to an outside observer there is obviously something wrong. For example have you ever had a conversation with a friend and they were telling you how fantastic their new boyfriend is, yet there eyes were downcast, their shoulders were slumped, and they spoke without conviction. Did you believe what they were saying?

With horses, it is all about body language. They have specific ways of knowing by how we behave, whether or not they will trust us to lead them. They are herd animals and are very happy to be lead, but they must feel safe and want to be led by you. This is what the Gift of Equus teaches, and it is magic. If you want to feel some of this magic check out Koelle at www.giftofequus.com.

So my thought this week is take a look closer at the relationships around you. Are you feeling confident when you are with those you love? Do you feel safe being who you are when you are around them? Do you make a safe place for them to be who they are around you? If you have never spent much time watching people, try going to a public place and just watch people go by. See if you can pick up on their energy by watching what their bodies are telling you. Do the same thing with friends and family. Don't just listen to what they say with their voice, notice what they say with their bodies.

I know that for me, I am going to look a little closer at my nonverbal communication, and what message I am giving others. I am good at reading others, and I want to make sure I am good at reading myself as well. The other thing is, I can't wait to do this again, and fall in love with the next horse who joins with me. It felt too good not to do it again!

Happy Trails,

Marquita

I am Me, You are You, and We are All Together

It was just Independence Day here in America, and it got me thinking about love and independence rather than co-dependence. When I was learning about love and how to be a whole person, I had this idea that two people would meet, come together and form a whole. That belief led me to accept a lot of unacceptable things and to stay in relationships I should have never entered into in the first place.

What I learned in my journey to wholeness, is that I need to be able to depend on myself. I need to know that whatever happens in my life and my relationships that I will be okay. Really loving yourself is about being good with or without someone. Really loving someone else is wanting them to feel the same way, and allowing them to be who they are in life.

My husband and I are going on trips this year without each other. He is going fishing in Alaska, and I am going to Costa Rica with my granddaughter. We were talking about this over coffee this morning and I mentioned that I would be in Central America during hurricane season. He began joking about getting more life insurance for me, and we had a good laugh about it. The truth is I know he would be heart broken if something happened to me, but then he would heal and be all right because we don't have a co-dependent relationship. I wouldn't want it any other way.

I like the way love and indepencence is writtten about in this poem by Kahlil Gibran:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Happy Loving,

Marquita