The Return of the Inner Lizard

Once you begin meeting men and entering the dating scene again, you may find that your Inner Lizard rears it's head again!! What I mean by this, is that even though you have worked on your issues and worked hard to love yourself, your reptilian brain still has a picture of who it thinks you should be dating.

For me this tended to be short, dark, and somewhat stocky men, often with an exotic and adventuresome bent. I had my list of what I wanted in a relationship, and I thought I was open to new ideas, and to a new kind of man. When I met my husband, he was all wrong for my Inner Lizard. He is tall, has light brown hair, blue eyes, and is pretty average on the adventure scale. Lucky for me, he had a great sense of humor and made me laugh on our first date, or me and my lizard might have written him off. He also met a lot of the qualifications I was looking for on my list, so even though I had a hard time believing this incredibly nice guy could be right for me, I gave it a chance.

This may not seem that hard to some of you who have always met and dated nice guys, but I found it very difficult. I wanted more adventure. I thought I would be bored stiff if I stayed with him. Over the first year we dated, I thought about ending it any number of times but I didn't. Here's why. First, I never told him about my misgivings, and he just kept coming back, showing up, being accountable and reliable, and all those things I knew I wanted, but found confusing. And second, even though he didn't look my type physically, when he kissed me for the first time, it definitely left me wanting more. Even though my brain didn't know it, my body knew the chemistry was there.

The point is, that after you have done all that hard work figuring out who you are, and what you want in a relationship, don't let your Inner Lizard mess it up. Be willing to date men that are totally different than you are used to. Remember that the other ones didn't work so well, or you wouldn't be reading this. Nice guys are not always as forward as the men you have dated in the past, they may not immediately make your knees go weak, but given a chance they can be everything you need.

Marquita

The Web of Love

Last post I talked about meeting my husband on the Internet. Considering my earlier statements about the Internet not being a good dating ground I am a little embarrassed. But you have to realize it was an accident!!

To begin with, I originally saw the Internet as being a fun place to meet men. I could have some very interesting and exciting discussions with people, and not have to follow through unless I felt like it. I joined a couple of online dating sites and checked out men in my area. I talked to a few, but they seemed to want to jump too fast into intimate details about me and my life. I was cautious, as I still believe everyone should be about opening up about personal details. When I did meet someone, who lived in my small rural area, we talked for quite a while getting to know each other. I found this very exciting (actually I now realize my inner Cinderella was still fantasizing about happily ever after!), and enjoyed the ability to get to know someone without the physical constraints of actually meeting. It was apparent from the way he wrote back that he was feeling the same way. This went on for several months, and then we decided to meet. We met and frankly our meeting was a big dud. All those expectations we had built up by talking so long fell flat when we actually met in person and had no chemistry whatsoever.

In talking with a good friend who had a much longer history of Internet dating, she told me that she had met over a hundred men and was still looking for mister right. I don't know about you, but I didn't want to go through that torture at all. Five years later, this same woman is getting ready to go to Morocco to meet a man she has been talking with for two years. Then one of the women I worked with met someone on the net, promptly left her husband, and had the guy move in with her on the night that they actually met in person!! I decided after a few more months of lackluster discussions that the Internet wasn't for me. I would wait until I met someone in person and we could judge all areas of chemistry, and I stopped looking on the net.

What happened was that I met a guy in person who I thought was really interesting, and we started the getting to know each other. Then one day I got an email from one of the old match sites, that said someone had written to me. I checked it out and the guy said that he thought we had a lot in common. I looked over the profile, and not only did he live close to me, but he liked to play golf and do outdoorsy things. We began talking by email, and so I had two men that I was interested in at the same time.

As I was getting to know my Internet fellow, I decided to follow certain rules in Internet dating. For any of you who are currently using the Internet or want to start, I would suggest the following:

1. Be honest about who you are on your profile, and provide a good picture of how you look on an everyday basis, not one of those mall fashion shoot pictures. People who are attracted to the real you, will be more suited to you.
2. Don't give away any personal information, such as full name (I used a pseudonym to start), address, telephone number, or work place, until you are sure that you would want to actually date the other person. I would suggest a first name, and a phone number after you are interested, and are considering meeting. I wouldn't give out your address or work place until after you have met, and feel safe.
3. If you are interested, and he is writing regularly, consider meeting. I found that I couldn't really gage chemistry or what a person was truly like without meeting them. If you wait too long it is easy to build up an unrealistic attachment, on your part or his, and you will be disappointed.
4. Meet only in a public place for coffee or a light meal such as lunch. Make him come to you, and to a place you are familiar with. Never go to another town, state, country, planet, etc. to meet someone. If they are into you, they will meet you on your turf. Drive your own car and meet them at the restaurant. You set the tone of how you want the date to go. If at any time you feel uncomfortable, excuse yourself and leave. A good trick is to have a friend call you about half way through the meal at a predetermined time, and you can use them to excuse yourself if you have to.
5. Again keep the meeting on your terms. Whether or not you shake hands or hug or don't touch at all is up to you. When lunch is over if you had a great time suggest another meeting in a public place. I know some of you are going, "Wow, this woman is such a prude!" Believe me, I'm not. If you learn early in a dating relationship of any kind to set good clear boundaries for yourself, the relationship has a better chance of progressing.

But that is another post down the road. I'll talk to you next time.

Marquita

Available, Authentic, and Open

Now that you are ready to get out there, what next? Most of us, myself included still bought into the Cinderella idea that somehow the universe would provide me with the right mate. Unfortunately, the universe is often busy with other things, and might forget to look my way. The next step to finding someone is being truly open, authentic, and available. This is harder than it seems. Most of us have spent a long time building lives that we are proud of, and we work hard to maintain them. This can mean long work days, many projects and activities in our time off, and not a lot of time left for relationship hunting.

When I first entered the dating field again, I thought I was totally ready and available. However, I had a busy job, was getting my Master's degree, had several busy pass times, as well as a family I was close to. This didn't leave a lot of time and energy for relationships, or even dating for that matter. My life was great, and very full, but I still wanted more. So what I did was get a little help from my friends. You know how your friends are always wanting to set you up with their crazy brother Randolph, or their favorite cousin Duke? Well in the past, I shied away from set ups, I didn't do blind dates, and I thought the Internet was for losers.

Well, I was wrong. When you have limited time, and don't necessarily want to look in bars, friends and relatives are a good place to begin. Let them know that you are ready to join the dating scene, and see if they have any single friends that might work for you. I still don't like blind dates, but small parties and get togethers with friends is a great place to meet other single people. I met and dated a couple of people this way, and although we didn't hook up, it was a place to start.

Another area that is often overlooked is social clubs, or sports clubs, classes etc. I would suggest if you have a hobby or sport you love, that you look around and see if there are any regular clubs, or sports teams to check out. I played softball, so in my not so spare time, I joined a co-ed softball league. It was allot of fun and I met some great people. If you've always wanted to learn to ballroom dance, there are many local places to learn, and you don't usually need a partner. One of my best friends has been married for 10 years to the man she met and partnered with, while she was learning to swing dance.

I am wondering if some of you at this point are going, "I don't want to do any of those things." I would ask myself, am I truly ready and available for a relationship? When I first started this process I thought I was a lot more ready than I was. The reality was that I was still not completely open to a relationship. This was due to a fear of opening myself up to being hurt again. What I would suggest is to go back and read the last post. Don't do more than you are ready for. Be open to the idea of dating, and see what happens. Along the way you may meet someone who is safe enough to open up with. One trick I used was to practice openness, by asking the universe (or any higher power you believe in) to put someone in front of me if that was their plan. Otherwise, I would go about my business enjoying life, until the universe did just that. And it did, via the Internet, which we will get to in my next post.

If you keep trying, and keep finding you are not ready, then you may need to go back a few steps, and work more on loving yourself, and making sure you know what you want in a relationship.

Until next time,

Marquita

Ready, Set, Dream

Are you ready? Have you spent the time to get to really know you? Good!! We are ready for the next step, which is figuring out what you want in a relationship. When I was getting set to go out and explore dating again, a friend of mine gave me the book, "If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?" by Susan Page. I found this to be a great book because it posed some questions that I had never considered before. Questions like, what do I want, need, and hope for in a relationship? What qualities are important in the partners I choose, and which ones are deal breakers? Ms Page suggested writing a list, and checking it over and over again.

Now this may seem really simple to a lot of you, but at the time it was new territory for me. I began writing down what I thought was important in a relationship. I knew that I wanted someone who was funny, dependable, and who had many of the same basic values that I had. I wrote and edited this list, and ended up with several columns. I found that I had a column for things I hoped for in a partner, that would be great to have, but not an absolute must. I had a column for characteristics that were extremely important and necessary for a long term partnership. The most important column was for the things I was no longer willing to accept in a relationship. I didn't want addiction, unavailability, current court dates, no job, and my favorite, needing fixing in some way.

The second point that Susan Page made that I found valuable was that not every one I dated needed to be a future marriage candidate. She suggested that some men were acceptable as dating material, but not relationship material, and that some who were boyfriend material, were not necessarily marriage material. What a concept!! I could go out on a date with someone for fun, and not worry about whether it was going anywhere. I could have a boyfriend without having it become a long term relationship. I really began to open up to dating as an art form. I let people know, friends, family, etc. that I was available, and I began dating men who I hadn't considered before. And the best part of all of this was that I was so comfortable with myself and my life that I had fun, did not jump into any relationships, and really enjoyed meeting new guys. The other great thing is when you feel good about yourself, and are open to dating, the men just seem to appear. They can tell you are not desperate, or heartbroken, or angry at men in general, and they love women who know what they want.

So the next step is to begin that list. Ask yourself these questions:

1. What are the qualities I would want in a long term partnership?


2. What are the things I would like to have, but that are not absolutely necessary?


3. What are the things that I don't want in a relationship?


4. What are the absolute deal breakers, the things I never want to have in a relationship?

And then begin to do a little dreaming everyday about what that relationship and that partner would look like. Keep picturing it, until you have a clear idea of what is important to you, and then start making the dream happen in your life.

Marquita

Timing and Desperation

I know a lot of you are going, "Oh, my God, what does she think, I can wait for ever to be out there finding the right person". I understand that there is a lot of press given to how difficult it is too find a relationship as we get older, and biological clocks do tick, whether we like it or not.

What I know is that you can do the work now, and be ready in time to find and love a nice guy. Or, you can not do the work, and still be one, two, or ten years older and still making the same mistakes and be alone. When I used to worry about this, I had a good friend who loved to tell the story of her Aunt Irene who went to Hawaii at the age of 80, met a man on the plane, fell in love, and they lived happily with the time they had. Now I am not suggesting that you have to wait till your are 80!!! But the fact is, there is no deadline for love, there is no point where we run out of time to have the life we want, and the universe is out there for those who are willing to find it.

Now let's talk desperation. Have you read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You", by Greg Behrendt. I think Greg is right on about many things. He talks about men being able to sense desperation, and then they run from it like the plague. I can't count the women who I have met, who believe there is a timetable, and they have to be married and have children by a certain point in their lives, or they have failed miserably. Don't get me wrong, it is perfectly okay to want marriage and family. But when our time frame is getting short, and we are desperately trying to find and marry, and mate with a person on our agenda, men do sense it, and they do run like crazy.

Desperation is a turn off. I didn't like it when I met men with similar agendas. I believe if we take the time to get clear on what we want in our lives, build the life we want as a single person first, we can then attract into our lives the kind of people who are right for us. The one thing we can't control is the timetable. To find the relationship that works for you, you have to feel like you are a whole person, who would have a good life, with or with out a partner.

Timing is not everything. Being authentic to you is. Be willing to give yourself the gift of time.

Marquita

How do I love myself first?

This is the question that bothered me the most while I was trying to be a whole human being. There was part of me that figured I deserved to be loved and taken care of by somebody else. I grew up in the 60's and 70's and still had a fairy tale belief in some wonderful person coming along, and loving me without reservations. I dreamed of a Cinderella story with a happy ever after in my future. What never occurred to me was that to find my prince charming, I needed to know what I wanted in my life, and be grounded in the reality that I was a whole person first.

This required me to know how to take care of myself in a healthy way in all areas of my life!! This was something that I had never done. I had always been in a relationship or trying to find a relationship, or in the middle of leaving a relationship. Looking back now, I can't believe how long I held on to the myth of "If I just meet the right person, it will work out". It never dawned on me that the right person was me.

I have to tell you, that I didn't choose to be alone, so that I could love myself, and become the person I am today. What happened was I had been deeply in love with someone who I believed was the one for me. Unfortunately, after a couple years, this one small flaw in his character appeared, and a latent gambling addiction became completely out of control, and soon both he and I were all wrapped up in trying to control his addiction. This led me to counseling, where I learned to let go of the addiction, and eventually the relationship. I was so devastated after this relationship, that for the first time in my life, I could not conceive of wanting to be in another one. I decided I was terminally in love with someone I couldn't be with, and decided I would probably spend my life that way.

Dramatic, huh? Well at the time it felt that way. But what happened was that I spent the next two years, getting to really know me, without the presence of a relationship. What I found was that being alone was wonderful!!! I would come home and my house was clean, I could eat the food I liked, there was no fight over the remote, and I could go out dancing, or to the movies, or to retreats, and never worry about what some man wanted or needed. I also learned a few great tips for making myself feel better when I was lonely or needed support.

1. I learned to develop some wonderful non-romantic relationships with others. I have a group of friends today that regularly goes to self care retreats, and has great adventures together.

2. I learned that I loved to hike, golf, whitewater raft, travel, dance, and that all of these did not require a man in my life.

3. Whenever I felt low, I would buy myself a low cost bunch of flowers at the grocery store, light a candle, and read, or make myself something delicious to eat, and pamper myself for the evening.

4. I learned that even as an adult, it is okay to have a Teddy Bear, and to snuggle up with it when I was lonely.

5. I learned that sex was too intimate for me personally to have with someone casually, and found I could truly love myself first!!

6. I learned who I was, by trying anything that truly felt authentic to who I was.

7. I learned that having gratitude in my life, for all I have been given, helps be to want what I have right now. Writing a daily gratitude journal, a suggestion I heard from Oprah, got me started, and keeps me grateful today.

Each person is different. So what will work for you will be unique to your essential self. My suggestion is that you spend enough time learning about yourself, and learning to really love your life and who you are, that it continues when you are ready to dive into a relationship.

Until next time,

Marquita

Broken Pickers

So, what is the first step to finding not only the right person, but having a relationship that lasts?

Well, for me, it was dealing with my "broken picker"! Most of you are wondering if I am talking about harvesting fruit or finding men. I am talking about the men I picked. I think it was in a support group meeting where I first heard the term "broken picker", and someone was telling me that I had one. I thought they were nuts!! I knew that I went into every relationship expecting the best, and thought each one would work out. The person clarified the fact for me, that I was the person who picked, not necessarily in correct order, men who were unavailable, who were not going to commit, who were not always faithful, sometimes had addictions, and rarely had jobs that would support themselves, let alone a family. Subsequently the determination, that my picker was broken.

Now, up until this point in my life, my belief was that the problem lay with the men, and that somehow I had nothing to do with these relationships not working out. What a shock to find that it was about me after all. And why, you ask, did I pick people who were destined to break my heart, leave, or more commonly drive me to leave them? Well, a lot of it was because of a guy, Martha Beck, PhD, the well known life coach, (and my personal Coach Trainer) would call, my Inner Lizard. All of us have a part of our brain that goes back to the days when we were still crawling around in the primordial soup, and today scientists still call it our Reptilian Brain.

This is the part of the brain that tells us when to run if we are in danger, or stand and fight if running isn't an option. It is also the part of our brain that learns to recognize certain people, who we feel a strong emotional response to. This often begins with our parents or other caregivers who raised us. When I've had a strong emotional response to people in the past, I often thought it was charisma or intense attraction, what I didn't realize was that my Inner Lizard was responding to them, and not necessarily in a good way. It took me a lot of work with counseling and coaching to realize, that I was intensely attracted to men, who my Inner Lizard recognized as having some of the traits of my father (eeeuuuu!), and that my brain wanted somehow to heal our relationship through my relationships with men.

Now not everyone out there has a broken picker. And some people have them in varying degrees. What my picker did, was lead me to believe that I was intensely attracted to the wrong men, and that I wasn't that attracted to the right men. I did meet some very wonderful men along the way, but I would usually not stick around. So having a broken picker was a problem, but it didn't stop me from meeting decent people. Once I recognized this fact, I could learn to fix the problem.

So the first assignment along the path of finding and loving a nice guy, is learning to make peace with your Inner Lizard. This is accomplished first through committing to being single, while you work on your relationship issues. Now, don't run, it sounds really difficult, but the first key to having a keeping a relationship with a whole, healthy, human being is being one yourself. So, ask yourself a few questions:

1. Do I have a lot of turmoil in my relationships, whether they are with family, friends, co-workers, or romantic in nature?

2. Am I still working through childhood issues with my parents?

3. Am I often angry, tearful, moody, or depressed?

4. Do I use any substance to the extreme?

5. Am I truly available to be in relationships, or am I still in one that isn't working, grieving one that has recently broken up, in the middle of a divorce or separation, still in love with someone from the past?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, the first step is to work with a life coach, a counselor, or other program to deal with these specific issues. Martha Beck says, "you've got to live it, to give it". That means that to be in a relationship with a healthy person, you need to be a healthy person. For myself, I spent a couple of years working on building the life I wanted, and learning to be great alone, before I was ready to love a nice guy.

I would be happy to work with you to do the same. This may take some time, but not as much time as it will take if you do nothing. So start today, with me or someone else, because he is out there waiting, and wondering when he will find a nice girl.

Marquita