Friday, February 29, 2008

Soul Mates

One of the reasons I decided to work on myself and learn how to have better romances, was because of a bad break-up with a man who felt very much like a soul mate.

In my coaching I find that these relationships are the hardest to get over and the hardest to understand why they didn't work. Why is it that some people meet a person who feels like home, and it works, and for others it doesn't?

I really don't know the answer to that. I am not sure there is an easy one. For me personally it was because I still had a "Broken Picker." I was still picking people who had addictions, and were wrong for me in many ways. I did learn a lot from this relationship about how much I could love someone, and still love myself enough to let them go. Difficult as this was, it set me on the path of becoming the person I am today and I am very grateful for that.

This last week I was reading the book Eat Pray Love by Elisabeth Gilbert and I found a great passage about soul mates. I am going to share it with you here:

"And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's hard for me to get over this guy is because I believed (he) was my soul mate"

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is you perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But live with your soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for that."

I like this explanation. It fits right in with what happened to me. So if you are grieving the loss of a "soul mate" maybe this passage will give you comfort and set you on the path to finding yourself.


Wednesday, February 20, 2008

What Story are You Telling?

When I was struggling with love, my stories all had a predictable format. I was always cast as the heroine and the men I was with were usually cast as the villains. When I began looking at my love life and realized that I was not a victim, I decided to recast these stories.

To do this, I needed to look at the real truth of what had happened in each of these relationships. I started by creating a timeline that showed each relationship and how long it lasted, and who had ended it. Usually I was the one who called it quits.

Then I wrote down the characteristics of each man I had been involved with. I wrote down both good and bad things about each one, and I only allowed myself to write down actual facts, not the embellishments my mind wanted to add.

Next I wrote down my part in the problems of each relationship. For example, sometimes I lied to my partners, sometimes I allowed them to treat me in ways that I shouldn't have allowed, sometimes I didn't give them the chance they deserved. In each partnership, there were things I had done that contributed to the problems.

The hardest thing I did was make amends to some of my partners for the things I had done. This helped me to forgive them for what they had done, and also to forgive myself for the mistakes I made.

Now the stories of my relationships are much different. There are no heroes. There are no victims. They are just stories about people trying to find love without the proper tools.

What stories are you telling about you love history? Is it time to recast and rewrite? You might be surprised by the happy endings you find!


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day

This is my valentine to you. I want to tell you how amazing each and every one of you are. If you don't believe this, consider reading on and see if what I say might change your mind.
First of all, you are here trying to find love for yourself and for others and that is one of the most difficult and honorable things anyone can do in their lifetime.
It is made even more difficult when you consider the odds of being open to love and at sometime in this life getting your heart broken because of that openness. Yet you find ways to learn how to stay present, to be authentic to yourself and others, and to let others into your life.
Being human in a world full of magic and spirit is sometimes like rowing a boat with a soup ladle. You move forward in your lives a little and often slip downstream and lose ground. Yet, being human, there is this part of you, that with resilience and sometimes just plain stubbornness, gets up each morning and walks out in to this world and says "What can I do today?" "How can I keep moving and learning in how to love others today?"
And finally you keep loving yourself. Being true to who you are is what makes you capable of being able to love others. When you don't know how to do this, you ask for help. You wouldn't be reading this post if you were'n't asking for help for yourself. Asking for help is the essence of self love.
Happy Valentines Day!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Lets Talk About Attraction

The Law of Attraction is on my mind this week. I actually had an opportunity to be picked to go on the Oprah Winfrey show if I had a unique story about the Law of Attraction. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided I wasn't sure if I had a unique story, or that I could be "Oprah ready" in a couple of days when they wanted to tape! But it did get me thinking about this principle. I know many of you have read books like The Secret and a lot of what I have been writing about in the last few posts is about attraction. When I suggest ideas such as visualizing your ideal mate or life, and talk about things like Wildly Improbable Goals, what I am really talking about is the principle of attraction. Being sort of ADD in the way my mind links from one thing to the next it was inevitable that I would eventually get to attraction and relationships.

What is it that attracts people to each other? I know that for me when I was struggling with my broken picker, I seemed to gravitate to men who were similar in looks and in behavior, and it wasn't usually good behavior! When I learned to love myself first, and then figured out the qualities I wanted in a relationship, I attracted a very different type of person. What is really attractive about my husband is his sense of humor and his integrity. I also love that he is an outdoor guy and we enjoy a lot of the same activities.

How did I attract this different sort of person to me. First of all, by being the type of person I wanted to attract. I wanted someone who was dependable and hardworking, so I became dependable and hardworking. I wanted someone who was outdoorsy and knew how to have fun, so I enjoyed the outdoors in many different ways and had a blast doing things I enjoyed. I wanted someone who was truly available to be in a relationship, and so I became that way myself. It is much easier to attract the type of person you want if you treat yourself the way you want to be treated and work on being the ideal you.

It also helps to believe that you will attract the type of person you want. If you go around thinking "It might work for others, but it won't work for me", then you are right it won't. So right now I want you to do two things:
  • First write out a short descriptive paragraph that contains all the qualities you think are necessary for the person you want to be with. Don't forget to add some fun things too, not just serious, but maybe you want a guy who tells great jokes or make the best pies you ever ate, and loves his dog too.

  • Now rewrite the statement starting with the words, "I am in a wonderful relationship with a partner who" and then add all those qualities after this. The statement has to be written as if it is already happening.

That's it. Now keep that paragraph somewhere. Take it out every so often and read it out loud if possible, and see what happens. Let's see who you can attract into your life.

Let me know what happens,