Saturday, May 31, 2008
Have you ever been the fly in a case of spider love? You know what I mean, its when it seems like you are being held captive in a web of sweet words, and carefully taken care of, and then when you least expect it the other shoe drops. It is the kind of love I like to call crazy making. It is where the person is often charismatic and exciting and you fall hard and fast for them, and then when they know they have you, they suddenly start eating you in slow, painful fashion.
I know this sounds terribly dramatic, and not like much fun. However in my coaching practice and my experience I have met people who do exactly what I have described. And the funny thing is, the other person, the "victim" of the spider keeps walking right back into the web. Why is this?
This is because many of these so called spiders are either sociopaths or narcissists. They are often smart, they know exactly what a woman (or man) wants to hear. They treat you better than you have ever been treated in your life, and they draw others to them exactly like flies to a web. When they are sure you are truly deeply involved, they begin testing the waters with small betrayals, to see if you will let them get away with it. If you tend to be insecure about your boundaries, they will see this and begin to try bigger and bigger betrayals. When you call them on it, a spider love will always find a way to suggest you brought it on yourself. They will say something like, "I didn't want to hurt you, but I had to because of (insert something you did to make them do it here)" or they will say, "I love you more than life itself, I didn't mean it, It'll never happen again," and what's worse they are so convincing people fall for it.
Why am I bringing this up here? Because if you are in a relationship with someone like this, I want you to know there is help. You are not crazy! There is no good reason for a person ever to be hurt over and over again by someone who doesn't have the capacity to love anyone but themselves. I'd like to tell you that you can fix spider love. However, I have yet to see a case where it worked out to happily ever after.
The hardest thing about being caught in the web of spider love, is that it is extremely difficult to extricate yourself. Spiders try to hold on to their prey at all costs. These are the kind who harass, stalk, cajole, try to bribe, wine and dine, and do anything to stop people from leaving. The truth is that they don't really care about the person leaving, it is that they cannot stand being left. It is once again about them and not you.
I keep trying to tone this post down, make it sound better, leave a happier note. The happy note is this. You can decide to take care of you and love yourself. You can decide to be true to you, and to have the life you want. You can be strong and get the love you want. I am here to help you, and there are lots of others who are willing to help to.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
When I am coaching people in how to find love, there sometimes seems to be a big gap between where they are and the love they want. It often seems that to bridge that gap would require superhuman power, magical intervention, or at the very least a complete restructuring of their whole life!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
This time of year I think a lot about my mother. She is often missing in the stories I tell, and my father usually gets top billing. This isn't because she didn't influence my relationships, its just that my father was the first dysfunctional male relationship in my life and is often cast somewhere between the villain and the person who told me I could do anything if I put my mind to it.My mother was the stable parent. She was round and warm and kept us dressed and fed. I was not her favorite, and I can understand that, as I was a lot like my Dad.
When I was growing up, I made an early decision that I would never be like her. She was the one who let men and children rule her life and I always thought she could have done better. Needless to say, if you have read my earlier posts, you know that I turned out to be just like her. I picked the wrong men, made many of the same mistakes, and ended up warm and round and a bit wiser as the years have gone by.
My mother passed away over seventeen years ago. I miss her a lot. I think that we would have a great relationship once I wised up and started to become the woman I am today. Each year around Mother's Day she is on my mind more than usual and I want to honor her in this post.
So, here's to my mother. If she was here today I would not hesitate to thank her for the person she was, and the person she helped me to be. She was so strong, and loved deeply, and always tried to do the best she could for her family. She loved God, and believed she would be with him when she died, and I am sure she is. We did not share that faith, but she was certain of it and never seemed to question it.
If she was here today, she could join me tomorrow as I go to my daughter's house to share Mother's Day brunch with her and my son and grandchildren. And she would be the matriarch instead of me. I would bring her back to my house and show her the Shirley tulips I planted for her, and she would cry for joy.
What is the story of your mother today? Is there a way to tell it that makes it better or honors her more? Are there truths you need to talk about with her? This is your chance. You may not get another.