Self Esteem 101

What makes someone feel good about themselves? How is it that some people seem to radiate self assurance in such a way that we are drawn to them, and want to feel the way they do?

Why am I asking these questions? Good question! One of the things I have always said is that to have the best relationships whether they are at work, at home, or at play, is to love ourselves first. My definition of self esteem is self love.

I recently listened to a CD by Caroline Myss on self esteem and I really love her take on what this is, and how to get more of it. Myss suggested that every problem in the world from a single relationship to global wars are caused by lack of self esteem. Her idea is that whenever someone feels there is a power imbalance there can be conflict.

Okay maybe that is a little more than you want to read in a relationship blog! But Myss's ideas about how we lose and how we build self esteem are worth looking at. She suggests this:

To build self esteem we need to take a close look at our daily lives. First, we need to look at how many times we let others take our power by not standing up for ourselves in some way. Second, we need to look at how many times we do something that puts another person down, or hurts them in any way. This is not for the faint of heart, because until you start looking, you may not realize how many times one or the other of these things happen. To really love who you are, it is vital to begin looking at how this happens in your life, and start the process of changing those two areas. I know that sounds like a huge bit of work, so I am going to suggest you do one small thing this week to start the process.

Each time we commit to doing something for ourselves, however small, and stick with it, we show our spirit that we care about ourselves and our esteem grows. Let me give you an example. Let's say you want to be more fit, and you decide to walk every day. If you follow through with this, you feel better about yourself and your esteem grows. However, if you start doing what is good for you and don't follow through, you let yourself down, and your esteem goes down.

To begin building self love for yourself, I want you to think about one small thing you can start today to create self esteem. Make sure that it is small enough, and doable enough that you will keep doing it no matter what. If you do this, I guarantee your esteem will start growing because you will trust yourself to do something good for you.

Go on, give it a try. What do you have to lose?

Marquita

On Vacation!

One of the best ways to have good relationships is take care of yourself. To that end, I am on vacation and will resume my blogging with new vigor when I return later this month.

I hope that you are taking the time this summer to relax and play and soak up the sun. I love this time of year, and I am working on recharging my engines and loving life.

Talk to you soon, Marquita

"He's Still a Guy"

This morning I got up and the song "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith was stuck in my head. The reason for this was that last night I watched a video about this lion who was raised by a couple of guys, and then let back into the wild. The guys went to see the lion after a year, and were told he wouldn't recognize them. The lion was so happy to see them that he was literally hugging and licking them and so excited to be reunited with his people. The song that was playing in the video was "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." It was all very beautiful and heartwarming.

As I was drinking my coffee, (which my husband had poured and ready for me as I stumbled out of the bedroom), my husband said that he had the song "I'm Still a Guy" by Brad Paisley stuck in his head. This song has a verse that reads:

I don't have highlights in my hair,

I've still got a pair,

I'm still a guy!

These two songs stuck in our heads as we start out day are a great symbol of the differences between men and women! I'm thinking of this beautiful song about not wanting to fall asleep because I might miss some of this great love, and he's thinking about a song that reinforces his manhood!

What I love about this is that I wouldn't have it any other way. He can be the hunter gatherer that he is, he can prefer action movies to chick flicks, and he can be all the things that make him a man. When it comes to men it usually isn't about romance and frills. It is about providing and laughter and physical needs.

My husband expresses his love by pouring that coffee for me in the morning, by fixing a great steak on the barbecue, and by kissing my chap stick off every night. So when you are wishing your partner was more romantic or giving, pay close attention to what they do. What they do is much more important than what they say any day!

Marquita

Horse Play

I'm in love! Don't tell my husband, but yesterday, I began the most amazing relationship with a horse. What's more, I don't even know her name. I just know that she and I joined up in an amazing way during a leadership training with Koelle Simpson the owner of the Gift of Equus.

"What does this have to do with relationships?" you ask. Everything. What Koelle teaches is that nonverbal communication is a much bigger part of relationships than verbal communication. In our relationships we might say the right things and do the right things, and yet to an outside observer there is obviously something wrong. For example have you ever had a conversation with a friend and they were telling you how fantastic their new boyfriend is, yet there eyes were downcast, their shoulders were slumped, and they spoke without conviction. Did you believe what they were saying?

With horses, it is all about body language. They have specific ways of knowing by how we behave, whether or not they will trust us to lead them. They are herd animals and are very happy to be lead, but they must feel safe and want to be led by you. This is what the Gift of Equus teaches, and it is magic. If you want to feel some of this magic check out Koelle at www.giftofequus.com.

So my thought this week is take a look closer at the relationships around you. Are you feeling confident when you are with those you love? Do you feel safe being who you are when you are around them? Do you make a safe place for them to be who they are around you? If you have never spent much time watching people, try going to a public place and just watch people go by. See if you can pick up on their energy by watching what their bodies are telling you. Do the same thing with friends and family. Don't just listen to what they say with their voice, notice what they say with their bodies.

I know that for me, I am going to look a little closer at my nonverbal communication, and what message I am giving others. I am good at reading others, and I want to make sure I am good at reading myself as well. The other thing is, I can't wait to do this again, and fall in love with the next horse who joins with me. It felt too good not to do it again!

Happy Trails,

Marquita

I am Me, You are You, and We are All Together

It was just Independence Day here in America, and it got me thinking about love and independence rather than co-dependence. When I was learning about love and how to be a whole person, I had this idea that two people would meet, come together and form a whole. That belief led me to accept a lot of unacceptable things and to stay in relationships I should have never entered into in the first place.

What I learned in my journey to wholeness, is that I need to be able to depend on myself. I need to know that whatever happens in my life and my relationships that I will be okay. Really loving yourself is about being good with or without someone. Really loving someone else is wanting them to feel the same way, and allowing them to be who they are in life.

My husband and I are going on trips this year without each other. He is going fishing in Alaska, and I am going to Costa Rica with my granddaughter. We were talking about this over coffee this morning and I mentioned that I would be in Central America during hurricane season. He began joking about getting more life insurance for me, and we had a good laugh about it. The truth is I know he would be heart broken if something happened to me, but then he would heal and be all right because we don't have a co-dependent relationship. I wouldn't want it any other way.

I like the way love and indepencence is writtten about in this poem by Kahlil Gibran:

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Happy Loving,

Marquita

How's Your Relationship?

In the June issue of Self Magazine there is a great article about red flags in a partnership. These are flags that would indicate whether there is trouble brewing and what to do to get things back on track.

I think there are some great ideas in the story, so I will give you my interpretation here:

Does he really need to know what you had for lunch and what happened at work today? The answer is a definite yes. When we don't take time to go over our day and let our partners into our more mundane life, we miss the opportunity to grow closer, and it makes it harder to talk about the more important things.

Is it okay to be really independent and enjoy separate interests (and like it that way)? This is more of a yes and no answer. It is okay to be independent and have separate interests. The problem is when you don't spend time doing things you enjoy together you lose out on a lot of fun, and end up disconnecting from each other. Date nights and time together are key to a happy relationship.

Is it okay to never fight? I've always said in my marriage that we occasionally just need to have a good fight! If you don't talk about the small things or the big things in a relationship and be willing to put yourself out there to work things out, there could be trouble ahead.

On the other hand, is it okay to resort to low lows in a fight? No, it is never okay to resort to low blows. These include name calling, threats, stomping around, or other forms of verbal or physical abuse.

Do you think your relationships would be so much better if only he or she was more .........(insert just about anything here)? This is a good question to bring up, and it is one of those things that I tell myself and others all the time. The only person you can change is you. However, you can be honest and live authentically for you, and sometimes people change because of the examples we set. I would suggest writing down all the things you are grateful for in your relationship and look at the whole person, not just the one thing that drives you crazy.

What if we aren't that affectionate with each other? Everyone has different needs for affection. Some people love to cuddle all the time and others are uncomfortable with cuddling. What is true is that if you want more affection try initiating it yourself. Start small. Do things like hold hands when you walk. Make sure you hug and kiss good bye in the morning. As your partner gets used to more affection you can slowly increase the amount of cuddling you do.

What if our sex life is just ....fine? There is a quote in the article that says "Life is filled with difficulty and challenges, sex can help repair wounds and bring you together." I love that. Sometimes we find ourselves wanting to fix everything first before we are willing to have sex. My suggestion is try having sex first and see if it might help fix other issues!

Take Care,

Marquita

The River

Last week I was on a trip with a bunch of women friends and we went river rafting. This is something I do every year, and I am always amazed by how much I love the river and the joy of running rapids and working together with a group to keep the raft upright and not end up in the water.

As I was considering writing this post, it dawned on me that running the river is a great metaphor for life and relationships. This is what I mean by that statement:

Making the choice to go river rafting is not an easy one. You need to be open to new things, you have to like the outdoors and the adventure, and you need to be able to trust yourself and the people you are with. Often when we are going through life, there are people and situations that we are not open to and we don't trust ourselves or them and we choose not to take that ride.

Once you decide go rafting, you need to gear up and learn what you need to do to stay afloat. This means that you don a life jacket, a helmet, and sometimes a wet suit. In life you take on protections in the form of boundaries to keep you safe as you move through life. Then you need an education. In rafting that is learning how to listen to your guide and when to paddle and when to hold on.

Once you begin the journey, there is no way to go but follow the river. Sometimes you float along peacefully and there is not a lot required of you. Sometimes you find rapids that require you to listen to your guide, to do your part to keep the raft on course, and enjoy the feel of the river flowing over you.

Occasionally someone comes out of the raft and if you do, you need to lean back, point your feet downstream and let the river take you until you can be picked up. If someone is in the water, you may need to rescue them. This is accomplished by grabbing their life jacket and falling backward into the raft and pulling them in on top of you! I find in relationships, if you become derailed by something, just moving forward and doing the next indicated thing is often the best advice. Then at some point, you find yourselves grabbing on to each other and ending up on top of each other again. And then you laugh, and breathe, and move on down the river.

So how do you want your life and relationships to flow today?


Marquita