Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Way Forward


Once you are clear on your End Game, it is important to share it with your partner. Again, I am assuming that this is a relationship that has been building for some time, and not brand new. Even if you know before you ever date someone that your long term goal is marriage and children, it is not a good idea to bring this up on the first date!! Or second or even the tenth. Building a relationship takes time and needs to be somewhat free flowing. Otherwise you may find that the relationship becomes derailed by expectations about where it is going.

However, once you have a built a relationship and figured out your End Game, it is good to discuss this with your partner. I know this can feel risky, and is often difficult to bring up. So there is another step before the discussion. This step is being ready for what your partners End Game might be. Sometimes you already have a good idea from talking and getting to know each other what your goals in life are. Still you might want a committed long term relationship and he may want to continue a more open relationship, or maybe just the opposite. One of the things I found helpful was to consider what I would do if my choices for the future were completely different than my partner's. I was clear that when we talked, I wasn't at the point where I wanted to make any sort of ultimatum.

In fact, let's talk for a minute about ultimatums. When I was struggling in a previous relationship a wonderful woman I knew, who had been married for over twenty years told me to never make ultimatums in relationships unless I was absolutely prepared to follow through with the consequences. This was great advice. I told my partner at the time, that I wasn't going to make an ultimatum to him, unless I absolutely was sure I meant it. And considering where the relationship was headed (straight down the toilet!), he knew I was talking about splitting up. He agreed that if and when I came to the decision, he would willingly leave because he knew I meant it. This was a lot better way to do things, then when I would get frustrated and ask him to leave and then give in and take him back later!!

So when I was ready to present my End Game to my partner, I really thought long and hard about what I wanted, and what I would do if his future was compatible with mine, and what I would do if it was not. When I did discuss the future with him, I was clear about what I wanted, and I was also clear that if he wasn't thinking along the same lines, that I would be just fine. I also let him know that I was still wanting to continue our relationship as it was, until such a time as we decided either together or individually that it was no longer working for us. Quiet authority works better than ultimatums anytime!

Next time I will talk about how to script this discussion for those of you who have never done anything like this. It can help to have a clear plan before this big step.

Marquita

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