The Gift of Gratitude

Keeping a gratitude journal has been a regular part of my spiritual program for many years. I have found that writing down five things I am grateful for each day, has changed my life. Instead of everything being about "having what I want," I now find myself "wanting what I have."

I've noticed that this can be a life saver for relationships. For instance, I have been known to complain about wanting more romance in my marriage. Many of my friends are the same way. They might say something like, "I just wish he would take me out, buy me little gifts, bring me flowers," and so on. What I have learned is that many of these guys actually do incredibly romantic and loving things that go completely unnoticed by their mates. When I mention this, these same friends wonder if I am really talking about their partners. So let me write a gratitude list for some of the things my husband does to give you an idea of what I am talking about:

• I am grateful that when I get out of bed each morning, there is a cup waiting for me in front of the coffee pot.
• I am grateful that he never goes to bed without kissing me goodnight.
• I am grateful that he takes me out for breakfast almost every weekend.
• I am grateful that he loves catching and cooking salmon for me, and to top it off he picks wild blackberries, and insists on making the pie himself.
• I am grateful that he is trying to find Buzz Lightyear pajamas on EBay as I write this, for our littlest grandson.

For men romance is often more about actions than words. It can be found in the things they do everyday to keep you safe and happy. What does your partner do for you that gets taken for granted? Try writing a gratitude list for the many ways they show their love that isn't about jewelry and flowers. See if you can see the everyday ways their love is given to you.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving,

Marquita

New Growth?

I am growing out my hair. Yeah, so what! Well for the last ten years or so there has been this dilemma. To dye or not to dye. Since my early thirties, there has been these creeping silver strands which have slowly infiltrated my brown hair. (Keep reading there will be a self growth analogy here eventually, I promise.)

First, I tried highlights, because I thought if I added lighter patches, the grey would blend in. Well after a while, I just looked washed out! So, about a year ago, I decided to go for the full dye job. My natural color of medium to dark brown was back. At first, I loved it. I felt younger and liked the way I looked in the mirror. But the more I covered up the reality of my own hair, the dryer and coarser it got.

Meanwhile, over this year, I have to admit I have been working hard on growing out my life. (See, I told you I'd get there!) When I finished Master Coach training, I had a plan for where I was going to go, and lord help anyone who got in my way. Then something happened that derailed me. It forced me to work on myself once again. You see, I was still at some level following the path that others had decided for me. Because I loved them, and wanted their approval, I mistakenly believed that we would continue to work and grow together and all would be right with the world. What I missed was that was not really where I wanted to go. To be my most authentic self, I needed to be willing to grow, and let my roots show, and allow the tender new growth space to develop.

Now I am feeling more me, and more on track than I've felt all year. There is no one but me deciding who I am, or what I should do with my life, and it feels damn good. The new growth is getting stronger and feeling more right every day. And so is my hair.

I was due for a color a few weeks ago, and my hairdresser was out of town. I was frustrated because my roots were showing, and I wasn't sure about the color coming out of my head! But by the time, I could see her, I just asked her to cut off the old dead ends. Now my healthy new growth, in my own beautiful color is coming through. I can't wait until the last of the dye is gone, and I can enjoy the beauty I see in just being me.

Talk with you soon,

Marquita

Spoons and Fish and Trophies!

I should warn you now, that I am not sure where this post is going to go! I have been spending a lot of time with my husband this summer and I have been noticing some interesting things.

First, spoons. In the drawer in my kitchen where we keep the silverware, there is a silent battle of spoons going on. You see, I believe this drawer works best a certain way. There is only enough slots for the regular size flatware, and so I put the larger serving size spoons behind the slotted organizer. This works for me, and when I cook, I want it that way.

Now, my sweetie for some unknown reason, likes to put the spoons on the side of the organizer, where they get jammed in and hard to pull out. When I go to get a spoon and find those he has placed on the side, I pull them out and put them in the back! And then the next time I go to get a spoon, guess where they are? You got it, back on the side. The funny thing is, I think this is quite hilarious. Neither of us ever mentions the "spoon issue." We just quietly wage the next battle. We each chalk up a point on our side of the Male vs Female scorecard and move on!

Today I was reorganizing my office. I like to think of this as my office because I work from home and that's where I work. However, my partner rightfully believes it is his office as well. In truth it started out that way, and his computer and files are also in there. Recently, I bought a new chair and huge bookcase for the office. My daughter came over and we spent four hours assembling the bookcase. The bookcase is so tall that I needed to take down a couple of pictures, and move my husband's prized stuffed bass.

While I was reorganizing, I put my beautifully framed degrees from two well know universities atop the bookcase, along with my Martha Beck Master Coach award. I asked my spouse where we should rehang the stuffed bass. I thought it would look good high up on the vaulted wall across from his other prized possession, his father's huge rack of deer horns. Then my love informed me that the bass needed to be down on the wall, because after all, why would he have a plaque attached showing how large this fish was, if people couldn't read it. We looked around and found a spot that showed this off well.

What I love about all this is the joy I find in embracing the differences between us. How many times in the past did I want to make my partner think like I did? Or wanted him to understand me! Now I realize that it is an honor to have a partner who is just who he is, and who accepts me for just who I am (well except maybe for the spoons)!

I'd love to hear how things work in your household!

Marquita

The Empty Elevator

There is a saying that goes something like this, "When everyone you run into is an asshole, you need to look in the mirror!" Well lately everyone hasn't been an asshole, but they have sure been frustrating me!

This is actually unusual for me. For the last ten years or so I have worked hard at living a serene and even sometimes a zen like life. I felt a lot of gratitude for what I had, I gave others room to make mistakes, and grow, and be who they were. I even felt pretty cool with myself, and that old Inner Lizard of mine, was napping most of the time.

That is until recently. As you can tell by some of my previous posts, I have been going through a transition in thought, in who I am, in where I want to go. I have been learning a lot about what that means, and I am finding that I am becoming more fearful of the future. Why, because the other people around me aren't necessarily coming along with me! I am taking my new self into the realms I have always traveled, and the people there are simply being who they have always been. Why is this bugging me? Let me paint a picture of one of these episodes:

I have a group of women who I travel to Southern Oregon with each June. We go to a luncheon, river raft, jet boat, hang out and usually have a good time. There is always a certain amount of drama during the trip! Whenever you get 10-12 women of various ages and backgrounds together, it is hard to make decisions, and keep your own priorities straight without offending others. For several years, I have been struggling with this trip, because this group tends toward co-dependency, and occasionally one or two people hijack the trip. This is important, I knew this before the trip. However, I somehow thought that this year would be different. The definition of insanity, Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

I do have some enjoyment in the river and the things we do, but the rest is torture. I don't want to live in the drama anymore. So what do I do, I get upset, take things personally, and blame others! It feels easier to do that, than to acknowledge the truth. The truth is, I have changed and this trip doesn't work for me anymore.

This is the empty elevator that Martha Beck talks about in Steering by Starlight. When we change and grow and become more of who we are, we sometimes find ourselves alone, without our usual companions. Along with the truth that I am moving on a different path than some of those close to me, comes the pain of that loss. I am grieving some of these changes, and the anger and frustration is part of that grief. When we fight change, it is harder. Acknowledging who I am, and being willing to walk into that pain and grief will get me a lot farther than frustration, anger and blaming others. So I am turning the rudder of my life to move into the fire, and with that I will end up going downstream, and getting back to that peaceful life I cherish.

Care to come along? If not, I wish you well on your path to where you need to go.

Marquita

Why Don't They Just Behave the Way I Want Them To?

You may think that because I am a Life Coach, and since one of my specialties is relationship coaching, that I don't go through periods of discontent or wishing my partner would change! I am fessing up right now that this is not true and that I am very capable of falling back into old ideas, and wanting things to be different than they are.

For instance a couple of weeks ago, I was feeling like I was carrying the weight of our relationship on my shoulders. I decided that what I really needed to do was sit my husband down, let him know what I needed, and set him straight. Now being a life coach, I do know that how I am feeling is not about the other person, it is about my thinking. Before moving forward with my plan to get him on board with my ideas for how things should be done, I realized I might want to look at my own thoughts.

My brain was saying things like, "if he would just do more of this," and "if he would just behave more like that........I would be happier." Next I looked at how I was behaving when I believed these thoughts. What I saw was that I was not doing any of the things I wanted my husband to do! And when I was thinking he should be doing more, I was behaving resentfully towards him! I began to wonder what would happen if I behaved the way I wanted him to. So, I did just that. I stopped expecting him to be more loving and helpful, and I began being more loving and helpful towards him. Before I knew it, I was feeling better, and happier in my relationship!

So here's the moral of the story: Before you start telling others how they should behave, consider what it is you want. See if you can give that to yourself, and the other person. Notice how much better you feel!

If my husband only knew how often I didn't have to tell him what to do!

Until next time,

Marquita

The Marquita Thompson Show

The Marquita Thompson Show

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