The Wrong Answer

What happens if you have invested a lot of time in a relationship you have the discussion, and your partner absolutely does not want the same things you do? This is a difficult question. Usually by the time this happens you have built a strong foundation of love for this person, and it is difficult to believe they do not feel the same way you do, or want the same things in life.

Before getting to this place, I asked you to be really clear on what you want before having the discussion, and to be confident that you will be okay whatever the outcome. But doing that in reality is much harder than in the planning stage. So let's look at a specific scenario, and work on possible ways forward. Suppose you want a committed relationship that is exclusive and leading towards marriage and children. You have the discussion with your partner and he wants to continue dating, and is open to being exclusive for now, but wants to see what the future brings before making a big commitment. You feel really let down by this, but came to the discussion prepared for any options. After more discussion, it becomes clear that this is as far as he will go. Here are some suggestions for working with this, without going straight into "he doesn't love me, or he doesn't want to commit to me" mode.

1. Give yourself some time to think about and absorb this turn of events. I would suggest taking as long as you need to do this. You can let your partner know that you need some time without making it seem like punishment, by being open and honest about your needs.
2. Make sure to take inventory of the relationship and notice all the good things, and no matter what the outcome, what you have learned from this partnership.
3. Talk with friends, an advisor, a coach, others that you trust to listen to your issues and give good feedback if you ask for it.
4. Decide whether you are able to continue on in the relationship without a commitment for now. Then the next step will logically come from that decision.
5. If you feel you want to go ahead and see where things go, then let your partner know that you want to continue in the relationship, and that you will let them know if you get to a point where that no longer works for you.
6. If you feel that you cannot continue without a commitment, then you can discuss that with your partner, and let the relationship go if necessary.
7. Whatever you do, continue to practice the good self care and loving yourself first that you have learned along the way.

If you stay connected to who you are and that your life is good with or without a partner it is much easier to be okay with any outcome. Continue to be kind and loving to yourself, and to your partner in any circumstance, and the best outcome can occur.

Marquita