Change is in the Air!

How many times have you went into a relationship with the idea that you can change the other person? Or, even better, figured that they would miraculously become the person you wanted them to be without you having to communicate anything at all to them!

Today, I want to talk about what you can and can't change in a relationship. This is actually really simple to do, because there is only one thing you can guarantee to change in a relationship and that is YOU! Not again, you cry, it can't still be about ME. Yes, it can.

However, it is possible to be so clear with your needs and boundaries, that your partner will treat you the way you want, because they realize that nothing else is acceptable. If you are obviously not a person who will put up with lying, cheating, or other bad habits it becomes extremely difficult for a person to do these things when in a relationship with you. This is because when they do these things, you make it clear that the behavior is not acceptable, and either end the relationship then, or make it apparent that another occurence of the behavior will result in the relationshp ending.

There is opportunity for growth in relationships for both people by being totally authentic to who we are. For example, let's say you love to travel and your partner doesn't. This actually was true for me when I first began dating my husband. Since he was not very open to travel, I didn't often push him to go to exotic places with me. What I did was to continue traveling with other friends who enjoyed the same things I do, like river rafting and adventure. Not too long into the relationship, I asked my partner to go to Alaska with me. When he sounded like he couldn't go, I said, "that's okay, I'll go by myself." He actually said to me, "You mean you would go without me?" And I assured him that I would. Amazingly, he was able to get the time off, and went with me. We had a fantastic adventure on an 85 foot fishing boat, hosted by some friends of mine. Since then, we have also had other great adventures, including going to Hawaii.

So, you can change others through your behavior and influence, as long as you are not trying to force them to do things they really don't want to do, and you are not purposely manipulating them. It is no good to pretend you are going to do something to get your partner to change, you have to actually authentically be doing what you love, and often they will follow.

It is particularly difficult to change things that are important values or choices that others have made. For example, you meet someone and decide to have a relationship, but they really want children and you don't. This is not an area where you can expect them to change. I'm not suggesting that people don't change, but with really important issues like whether to have children, expecting that over time someone will change can lead to heartbreak for both parties. When you have strong differences in values or needs, it is important to be honest with your partner, and decide together whether the relationship can work within the boundaries of those differences.

So, it is almost a New Year and I always think about the future and change at this time. I hope that if there are things you personally want to work on this year that you will add a comment or response to a post, and I would love to respond.

Marquita